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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting toddler off to sleep - AIBU?

61 replies

mauvish · 20/06/2023 19:05

(Hello DD if you read this!)

I look after DGD one day/week; she's not far off 2 yo. Her mum (my DD) feels that on my day, DGD gets her nap too late in the afternoon - but I don't know how to change this!

Basically DGD is still BF so mum has an easy way to soothe that is unavailable to me. I managed, one time only, to get DGD to sleep in my bed, but usually it has to be in the buggy. That's fine but if I have to take her out for a walk to get her to sleep, that has to fit around other activities (mine more than hers, eg getting lunch ready for us!) It's not exactly ideal if the weather is terrible either. DGD always gets her nap, but it can be a good couple of hours later than DD would have liked me to "organise".

The usual day goes something like - toddler group in the morning, pop to the shops, lunch, out for another walk and then the DGD will fall asleep on the way home from the walk. (Surely, if she were tired, she'd fall asleep on the way there rather than on the way back?)

So, 2 q's:

  1. AIBU to carry on as we are? I'm not deliberately going against mum's wishes, but I can't easily comply with mum's preference - though I would if I knew how.
  2. Where's the button you press on toddlers to get them to sleep at a pre-set time? 😅
OP posts:
MooseBreath · 21/06/2023 07:06

I think you need to find out your DGD's routine at home so that you can replicate it. It's also not unreasonable to ask your DD to make sure your DGD is awake by 7 so that she will nap earlier.

Does she use a sleep bag at home? My DS wouldn't nap without one!

sandrene · 21/06/2023 07:10

mauvish · 20/06/2023 21:09

Sometimes I will try to get her to go to sleep on the way to the afternoon activity rather than afterwards. Into the buggy she goes, she'll lie down without complaint, footrest up, hood up to minimise light and off we'll go - and 20 mins later she will still be lying there, perfectly still and quiet, but still wide awake and staring at me. Hey ho.

If she's only woken up at 8.30 am, as is sometimes the case, then clearly she's not going to go back to sleep before lunch. But having written this out and read responses, it's made me think that perhaps I need to say to DD that if an earlier nap is important, then she needs to wake DGD up earlier to allow for that.

It often does take longer than 20 min - maybe you just need to persist a bit more? It might take you an hour or longer to get her to sleep, that's just how it is. I wouldn't call it quits after just 20 min, especially is she's actually lying there calmly and happily. If it takes very long (eg because she woke late in the morning) then don't let her nap as long as a result - say always wake her by 2.30/3pm at the latest (whatever your DD says).

I voted YABU not so much because you aren't able to magically get DGD to sleep at any time but because you sound a little defensive or as if you want to paint your daughter as in the wrong. Surely if you offered to have DGD, the onus is on you to make it work for your DD as well. Try to try a bit harder to find a solution. Experiment with different methods (walking earlier/for longer, putting her down in a darkened room, singing the same lullaby each time, going for a drive...) and if something works, be very consistent and persistent with it.

BendingSpoons · 21/06/2023 07:26

What time is she sleeping until? Could you agree you won't let her sleep past a certain time? That might mean waking her after a shorter nap. Your DD is being a little bit U by expecting you to work miracles and get her to sleep at a certain time. However it sounds like sleep is a bit of an issue for them, so I understand they desperately want her to sleep at bedtime.

orchidsrock · 21/06/2023 09:08

Can't you just wake her up a bit earlier? So if she would usually have a an hours nap at 12, and she doesn't fall asleep until 2, then only let her have 30 mins and wake her up with a drink/some cartoons. Then she should be tired enough for bedtime. That's what I always did with my toddlers if they didn't nap at the preferred time.

Delatron · 21/06/2023 09:27

I do think the best solution is to just let her have a shorter nap.

Delatron · 21/06/2023 09:27

You can’t control when she sleeps but you can control when she wakes!

museumum · 21/06/2023 09:37

I don't think it's normal for a toddler to sleep after an afternoon activity. Normally they'd be sleeping after a (very) early lunch so around 12-2ish. At nursery that age group are first lunch around 11:30 and then nap. It's not ideal that nap is kept till they're literally dropping off against their will, toddlers can push through and stay awake (like we all can if we're having fun at a wedding or something) but if you introduce a nice routine with snuggles and stories and dark space then in time she should relax into it.

Lcb123 · 21/06/2023 09:38

If your DD wants to dictate anything, she should use professional childcare. You're doing nothing wrong - DD needs to be moving towards child self soothing to sleep.

sandrene · 21/06/2023 16:21

OP's DD is doing nothing wrong by breastfeeding to sleep.

BodyKeepingScore · 21/06/2023 17:45

ApplesInTheSunshine · 20/06/2023 20:23

YABU and if you couldn’t follow the nap when I wanted I would stop unsupervised contact and use childcare if needed.

Jesus. Aren't you a peach. If someone is offering free childcare you don't just give orders that must be followed...

Original poster
mauvish · 21/06/2023 17:58

Update - DD and I have talked about this today, and I tried a different routine which worked (for today, whether it will work next week we'll have to see!).

Thanks to all for suggestions etc.

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