AIBU to be cross at driving instructor probing son’s sexuality?

[NoseyDI]

Name changed because son isn’t out to whole family.

He’s passed now, so doesn’t have to see her again, but he just told me his driving instructor had been asking his friends (who she also teaches) if he’s gay. She asked if he had a partner: “boyfriend, or girlfriend, or boyfriend…?” I’m really cross and tempted to phone her and tell her just how inappropriate this is.

I would

did she ask if he is gay? Or did she ask how he is getting on and in conversation as if he has a boyfriend or girlfriend. Those feel quite different contexts to me.

obviously It would be very odd and inappropriate to simply ask if he is gay. Why does it even matter?

It's just conversation?

Bit creepy

It’s normal for a driving instructor to make mundane conversation if someone’s nervous. This is mundane conversation. If your late teen or older son is offended by someone asking if he has a boyfriend or girlfriend you have bigger problems to face.

It’s creepy because it’s unnecessary. There are so many other subjects if she wants a chat.

has she asked him directly or is she just asking his friends? And presumably she’s quite a bit older than him. If this was a guy making enquiries about a young girl I think the comments would be less equivocal.

She asked his friend if he had a partner and if that partner was male or female.

Mundane conversation is asked 17 year olds about their friend’s sexuality??

It's going to need more info. Using my partner for eg someone asking boyf/ girlfriend is a bit nosey but not massively so and potentially even supportive. Definitely out of order to be gossiping and digging with other friends.
Overall not necessary info for a driving instructor , better to stick to general information!

Agreed. She’s my age, has kids his age. And she’s apparently very gossipy during lessons so the assumption is that she’d want to share any info she gleaned.

She didn't ask about his sexuality she asked if he had a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

It's normal these days to hedge your bets and not assume.

It's a bit gossipy, she doesn't need to know about his private life but not the end of the world beyond some mindless chit chat.

You seem to have taken great offence at the suggestion he might be gay. Your response seems disproportionate.

You can't stop people gossiping or chit chat.

She probably also asks where they're going on holiday and what they're going to do after college etc. She's interested in people.
Aka gossip.

So she just asked if he had a boyfriend or girlfriend and you are being this dramatic? And if she had said has he got a girlfriend that means she's assumed he is straight so can't win either way. It's literally chit chat, I think you need to get a grip.

On the face of it, it's odd. Unless a night out/holiday/celebration etc was being talked about and the person she was talking to mentioned that they were going with their partner and your son was going. It could be the way the friend is framing this. I've worked with younger men who don't get the art of conversation and thought that us (older women) talking to them meant that we had an agenda.

You seem to have taken great offence at the suggestion he might be gay. Your response seems disproportionate.

I’m not offended that she thinks he might be gay, I’m offended that she’s asking his friends whether he is. It’s hugely overstepping from my point of view. He only came out to his friends recently.

Asking if someone has a girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t directly asking ‘is he straight or gay’.
In today’s world you’d get castigated for assuming someone’s partner is the opposite sex. A few years ago, I asked a work colleague I’d known a few months about their wife - something along the lines of ‘so what school does your wife work in?’ Because I knew he was married and his spouse was a teacher called Jo. Turns out Jo was Joe. He laughed, showed me a photo of him and Joe and we moved on.

I don't think it's inappropriate, she's probably just been on an inclusion course.

Changing your name because your son isnt out to your family is a bit odd though.

Massively inappropriate.

Asking if someone has a girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t directly asking ‘is he straight or gay’.
In today’s world you’d get castigated for assuming someone’s partner is the opposite sex.

I think asking “boyfriend or girlfriend, or boyfriend” strongly implies you think he’s gay and would like it confirmed. This came around the time he came out to his friends.

It’s none of her business.

Why is it appropriate for her to be asking her other students whether OP's son is in a relationship. It's not the same as asking "how is OP's son?"

Changing your name because your son isnt out to your family is a bit odd though.

It’s not up to me who finds out he’s gay. It’s up to him who he wants to tell.

Did she actually ask “Is he gay” though?
or did she say something along the lines of….”oh I hope Jo is enjoying driving. He did so well to pass first time. I remember when I passed my test at 18 and I’d drive to the seaside with my friends and boyfriend for chips. Does Jo have a girlfriend or boyfriend”?

the second is still a bit OTT but very different in tone to bluntly asking if he is gay.

Is this third hand information? I guess in your shoes I would find it odd but I’d also be aware that third hand info, without the added context and tone of the conversation is not a good basis in which to take any action.

People are so hetro-normative, it’s quite encouraging that we are moving away from the assumption that everyone is heterosexual as the “norm” . Personally “partner” would have been enough - if I was that interested.
Does it really matter if someone thinks he’s gay or straight … I thought we were behind sexuality being an issue.

@NoseyDI how on earth are they going to find out from an anonymous forum?