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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be cross at driving instructor probing son’s sexuality?

62 replies

NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 15:57

Name changed because son isn’t out to whole family.

He’s passed now, so doesn’t have to see her again, but he just told me his driving instructor had been asking his friends (who she also teaches) if he’s gay. She asked if he had a partner: “boyfriend, or girlfriend, or boyfriend…?” I’m really cross and tempted to phone her and tell her just how inappropriate this is.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 16:30

If she’d just asked whether he had a partner I wouldn’t be cross.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 16:31

cocksstrideintheevening · 20/06/2023 16:30

@NoseyDI how on earth are they going to find out from an anonymous forum?

I post a lot, and i don’t take any chances. I change name if I’m posting something outing.

OP posts:
Outdamnspot23 · 20/06/2023 16:34

I think you're overreacting I'm afraid. I'd wonder if she thought he was a lovely young man and was seeing if he'd be free to set up with one of her kids.

And I second that it's wise to hedge your bets, I usually ask "a boyfriend or a girlfriend?" but for some reason got the wrong end of the stick about someone recently & asked at a gathering where X's boyfriend was. She then said the other person next to us was her girlfriend. I was really embarrassed!

Justleaveitblankthen · 20/06/2023 16:35

Whatever it is, it isn't classy 🤨
Some people, whatever their age, have no manners and it was inappropriate in the circumstances.

What does it matter to her?

She was an annoying smart arse to repeat the 'boyfriend' bit.
Oh, how clever and astute must she feel to have sussed.

Do you know how his friend responded?

SayHi · 20/06/2023 16:36

I do think it’s weird that someone asks whether someone else has a partner, unless it was part of a bigger conversation.

E.g. was his friend talking about going out on the pull on the weekend with him and she asked whether they both had partners.

But if it wasn’t part of a bigger conversation then I’d think it was inappropriate and I’d wonder if his friend was telling the truth.

Seeline · 20/06/2023 16:37

An instructor should not be discussing one client with other clients!

It's one to ask the individual - although I'm not sure that is entirely appropriate. It's quite another to raise it with someone else.

There are hundreds of other topics she could be discussing.

Outdamnspot23 · 20/06/2023 16:38

It might not be IDEAL but I don't think it's rude or wrong to ask a question that could reveal someone's sexuality - or even (as your son's friend interpreted it) to imply that she thinks it's more likely that he's gay than straight. He's 17 years old, not 12, and he's no longer her student or in fact anything to do with her. If he wasn't out to his friends they probably would just write it off as "Mrs X being weird" and forget it.

(side note: obviously I don't know your son but some teenagers are as camp as Christmas and there's a reason why people coming out to their family or friends sometimes find those friends have just assumed they're gay for years.)

Original poster
NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 16:38

Do you know how his friend responded?

I assume she just said ‘no he doesn’t’ because that is both true and non-informative. This driving instructor is not liked - this isn’t the first time she’s nosied around. The kids see her as ‘problematic’.

OP posts:
Outdamnspot23 · 20/06/2023 16:40

Maybe they should try another one then?

jc12689 · 20/06/2023 16:41

ReaIIyThough · 20/06/2023 16:13

So she just asked if he had a boyfriend or girlfriend and you are being this dramatic? And if she had said has he got a girlfriend that means she's assumed he is straight so can't win either way. It's literally chit chat, I think you need to get a grip.

Still feels kind of an odd thing to ask his friends about though. If she was asking them about their relationships that would be more like idle chatter.

It's odd but I wouldn't overthink it

blueshoes · 20/06/2023 16:41

NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 16:05

She asked his friend if he had a partner and if that partner was male or female.

Show quote history

Inappropriate and unprofessional, whether it is curiosity, gossip or to match make with someone. There is no excuse to ask such a question.

If you have occasion to, I would casually drop into the convo with her that you heard she had been asking around his friends about his dating status, it does not sound right and whether it is true. She will deny it of course but hopefully give her pause next time she thinks this is an appropriate thing to do.

Original poster
NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 16:42

Maybe they should try another one then

It’s not that easy when you’re in the middle of a course of lessons. Driving instructors round here are all booked up.

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Arightoldcarryabag · 20/06/2023 16:43

I think it might be worth reconsidering your rage here.

No legal boundaries have been crossed that I can tell so it's probably not worth getting involved in a load of 17 year olds silliness.

You weren't there when the question was asked, everything is therefore hearsay and even the version you've shared here is beyond tame and not worth anyone's time getting cross about.

If something so mundane and unassuming can get you to so seemingly upset, it may be worth looking inward rather than outward to resolve this particular issue. Good luck with it.

Original poster
NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 16:44

Thanks all for your input. Views seem to be mixed as to whether she was out of line or not, but enough people think she’s fine that I won’t ring and tell her I think it was inappropriate.

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Notamum12345577 · 20/06/2023 16:44

I think she fancied him, so wanted to find out if he was single or not. Sounds like she is a bit of a cougar 😁

Original poster
NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 16:46

I think it might be worth reconsidering your rage here.

Rage is a bit much. I said I was ‘really cross’. I’m not storming around or planning to shout at anyone.

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Outdamnspot23 · 20/06/2023 16:48

NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 16:44

Thanks all for your input. Views seem to be mixed as to whether she was out of line or not, but enough people think she’s fine that I won’t ring and tell her I think it was inappropriate.

Sounds wise. I think in a few months your son will feel less raw about his sexuality and who knows/suspects what. This is all new for him. Unfortunately neither he nor you nor anyone can control people asking or speculating about it. But in time he won't care x

WhichWitchWillBeWhich · 20/06/2023 16:54

Sounds hugely unprofessional, she shouldn't be discussing anyone with anyone else.

MaybeSmaller · 20/06/2023 17:10

Why the fuck would a driving instructor be asking these sorts of questions? Unprofessional as anything.

QuintanaRoo · 20/06/2023 17:16

NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 16:30

If she’d just asked whether he had a partner I wouldn’t be cross.

Well 18yos don’t tend to refer to their boyfriends or girlfriends as partners.

electriclight · 20/06/2023 17:23

I think it's common for people in the service industry to be a bit gossipy about their customers. My hairdresser certainly is. I'm not sure you can do much about it except be relieved he's passed.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 20/06/2023 17:25

Nosey cnut. I know exactly what you mean, was in similar position with my own DS for same reasons. I will never cease to be amazed/mortified at the sheer volume of not very bright people (mostly women, sorry) who screechingly appear titillated at the thought of someone being gay. I'd phone her up and ask if she has any objection to letting you know if she uses a vibrator.

Kingdedede · 20/06/2023 17:29

NoseyDI · 20/06/2023 16:30

If she’d just asked whether he had a partner I wouldn’t be cross.

Really because this is what would annoy me, not whether they are male or female.

pinkginfizz9 · 20/06/2023 17:29

Its all 3rd hand. Context is everything.
'Have you any plans this weekend'
' yes my girlfiend and I are going to a party. 'Young NoseyDi' is going too'
' oh does he have a girlfriend too? or boyfriend?.

Simonjt · 20/06/2023 18:21

Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend is fine, asking other clients about him isn’t acceptable, she may ‘only’ be nosey, however I would be concerned she may have an interest. Plus even though they’re friends, should she really be confirming who other clients are etc to other clients?