For taking my sister along as a baby sitter for a friend‘s wedding

[Maaofatoddler]

I have a wedding to attend. No grandparents to look after my DS. My mum is not particularly happy that I’m asking my almost 30 year old sister to look after her baby nephew for half a day while I get to spend some time and enjoy the wedding with my DH where kids are not allowed.

I have been married for 5 years and this is going to be the first wedding we’ve been invited to as a couple so it means a lot to me!

I am paying all her expenses (hotel, flights) for the destination wedding so she can enjoy her trip and also for just 1 day look after my son.

But my mum keeps telling me that she has done it all alone with little help from my dad when we were little

"And our ancestors used to take their loincloth to the river and beat it with a rock to clean it but you have a Whirlpool 360 for your laundry Sandra. Times change"

I took it mean "give an inch and they'll take a mile" so mum won't help even once in case she is asked again. Her choice of course but to insist no one else should help her either is crazy.

I'd think most sisters would babysit as part of trip to the Riviera!

Well I also did everything alone with little help from my husband and it was cr@p. So I give you full permission to get help from whoever is willing to give it to you for free, on one condition. When they need help, you give them free help too. So if your SIL babysits for you and makes you nice hot meals while you take a nap, then when she has kids, whether it's a year from now or ten or fifteen years from now, you do the same for her. Or, something equivalent. She needs to go for chemo, you take her. Just make sure you reciprocate in a fair way.

I don't know the OP, but I am happy to do it!

A few weeks ago I spent a day babysitting baby nephews/helping out whilst they packed up to move house. I got a few cups of tea and a sandwich out of it, I need to negotiate better 😆
Would never occur to me to discuss it with mum, not her business and wouldn't care anyway. But being there is how I get to know them and be part of their lives. Can't just ignore them and expect there to be relationship anyway.

I am in my early 60s and this attitude was not obvious when I was growing up. My sister is quite a bit older than me and we used to have her first DD most Saturdays to let DS get on with shopping/housework and generally spend a bit of time with her DH.

The only people this concerns is you, your DH, your sister and your DC. If none of you 4 have any issues with it, then enjoy the time away together.

My Dsis is absolutely thrilled. She has been actively a part of managing our trip itinerary. Although the trip is in September, she has been already planning her outfits, helping with mine, where to eat, etc. I am blessed to have her.

Thank you all for giving me the confidence that what I am doing is normal. ❤️

I’d be absolutely delighted if someone took me to the French Riviera in exchange for one day’s babysitting!

Ignore your Mum, she’s being daft.

I wish I was your sister, I'd be over the moon. Enjoy the wedding @Maaofatoddler

I'm glad your mum's weirdness hasn't rubbed off on you both, I hope you have a lovely time.

My mum is in her late 50s. My Nan is in her early 80s.

Well, my mum is the same age as your Nan and isn’t like this at all! It’s not an ‘old school’ thing that everyone did, it’s a weird thing!

Tell your mum you are starting a new tradition

As long as your sister is happy then it’s got nothing to do with your mum. Your mum sounds odd, don’t families help each other out?

if it weren’t for my aunts when I was younger my mum wouldn’t have been able to work as she was left a single parent when I was 4 after my dad died. Families stick together and help others out.

Tell your mum to stop with her mum martyr nonsense. I doubt what she says about the past is 100% accurate it’s just a boomer thing (sorry to generalise I know not everyone of that generation is like that but I’ve noticed it’s very prominent in the boomer generation)

I’m sure your sister isn’t gutted at getting a free holiday & 1-1 time with her nephew. you guys have found a solution that works for everyone, your mum is likely just jealous/bitter. I hope you all have a bloody fabulous time in the French Riviera & don’t give your mum a 2nd thought

It's not a "boomer thing". It's a your-family-has-weird-rules thing.

Sure what your mum says is odd but why does it matter what she says?

It is not going stop anything so just get on with it

I can’t help wondering about the wider picture in that your mum’s strange attitude has influenced you to a point where you don’t know what is normal in family dynamics and child rearing. Your mum’s attitude is very sad and unhelpful and dripping with resentment. She had no help and so she not going to help you. She is clearly damaged by her experiences but that is not a normal attitude to have and you need to try to ignore her opinion on this matter if possible.

Your mums being a bit of an arse really. The "I didn't have it so you shouldn't" kind of arse. I'd be having words.

I don't get it. You ARE doing it on your own, you're subsidising your sister in exchange for babysitting. Quite apart from which, it's normal for aunts, uncles and grandparents to want time with their relatives. Your mum just had some weird hang-ups. I wouldn't entertain it by being polite to be honest, just be clear "Mum, it isn't up to you what we do, and I'm not discussing this."

Her mum isn't a "boomer" what agiest nonsense 🙄

Your mum sounds ridiculous, I am considerably older than her so it's really not an 'old school' thing ... back in the 1950s my own DM had considerable help from family whilst raising me.

Your mother has some very odd ideas. Most people would see it as a wonderful opportunity for a holiday abroad with just a day/evening of babysitting thrown in.

It's 2023, how can you not know that your mothers attitude is ridiculous?

I'm not a dissimilar after to her and have never come across anyone who thinks like that. Is there a cultural element to the way she thinks?

Your Mum is probably quite resentful deep down that she had to do it all alone, because it definitely wasn't normal when she had you, or at any time in the past really.

She doesn't want to help? That's fine. But there's no reason to feel guilty about ending the weirdness that was inflicted on her by your Dad and her mother.

It sounds like your sister loves being a normal Aunt, and you'll all have a blast!

Your mum's ideas about babysitting are not old school, but very unusual! Now I don't expect grandparents to be a regular childcare option, but the odd babysitting/sleepover is perfectly normal. Your mum has an odd attitude.