For taking my sister along as a baby sitter for a friend‘s wedding

[Maaofatoddler]

I have a wedding to attend. No grandparents to look after my DS. My mum is not particularly happy that I’m asking my almost 30 year old sister to look after her baby nephew for half a day while I get to spend some time and enjoy the wedding with my DH where kids are not allowed.

I have been married for 5 years and this is going to be the first wedding we’ve been invited to as a couple so it means a lot to me!

I am paying all her expenses (hotel, flights) for the destination wedding so she can enjoy her trip and also for just 1 day look after my son.

It sounds like an amazing arrangement. Go and enjoy yourselves.

Your DM sounds like one of those people who begrudges advancement that makes your lives better.

'I had to work 12 hour days down the mine, why can't you?'
'My holidays were North Wales in a tent in December, why do you need to go abroad?'
'I never had any childcare, why should you?'

We all know the sort - just ignore her

OP make sure you have a night on the holiday that baby and dad hang out together and you and your sister go for drinks together!

What has it got to do with your mother? Your sister is 30 and agreed to come and help right?

Unless you coerced or forced her I don’t see how it concerns your mother.

What dribble, ignore her.

I wonder if this is started with grandmothers whose own education was sidelined so they could become part-time (or full time) unpaid babysitters for various siblings, cousins, neices and nephews, etc. There is a big power imbalance between a teenage girl and her parents, or her aunts, or adult cousins. It's very easy for a parent to force a teenage girl to become an unpaid babysitter by saying that "you are selfish if you don't do this little favor" or "I feed and clothe you, I can't believe you won't help your brother with his children, he works so hard to provide for his family and needs this rest" or "Oh, you don't think you should have to take care of your little cousin? Well why should I take care of YOU!!?!" or "You aren't that good in school anyway, what's the big deal with taking a few weeks off school to babysit your tiny siblings so I can go take care of my dying mother you are so selfish." I can well imagine women who have been subjected to this sort of power play, deciding, "it stops with me," and deciding that their daughters and granddaughters would not be asked to put their own social/educational/professional lives on hold to become unpaid babysitters. So if that's how where your mum's idea came from, that's a laudable goal.

But your sister is almost 30. She presumably has her own job. There is no power imbalance between you and her. Her education is most likely not being sidelined by babysitting for you for one weekend, all expenses paid.

I think your mum is being over-the-top.

Did she want to be asked to go instead? I bet that's it.

Bet she was conflicted French Riverea but watch the baby she's probably raging😂

"Find a way to take care of them while you're at a wedding". Well you did so what is she moaning about? I'm sure you didn't hold your sister at gunpoint to make her agree to it. Sister agreed because she liked the idea of a couple of days on the French Riviera for free in exchange for changing a few nappies. That's not taking advantage, that's a great arrangement. Your mum sounds sour and snarky because her adult daughters are going to enjoy themselves on a trip instead of suffering in martyrdom under the crosses that women are supposed to bear 100% of the time.

Wow. That's not old school, that's insane. Old school is where it takes a village to raise a child.

Anyway, you have done exactly that. You have found a way for your child to be taken care of. And your sister is getting a free holiday in return for a few hours with her nephew, which I'm sure she'll enjoy.

It's a win win as far as I can tell. Your mum is allowed to be unhappy with it, but you are allowed to completely ignore her batshit attitude and do it anyway.

Have a great time!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz yes!!! I have booked a hotel with jacuzzi and I’ve got for a sisters night out at the hotel premises. And the next night with my husband to have a nice meal also within the hotel premises. So that I’m available at a short notice.

@Pipsquiggle and @aloris youre probably both right. Only they know what they’ve been through (grandparents generation) - the only 3 times me and my sister were taken care of by my aunt and my Nan was when my mum was delivering my sister, my mum was going through something at the hospital and my dad was with her, and then when my dad was at the hospital going through surgery and my mum was at the hospital. I never understood why my mum/ Nan have these issues.

On the other hand, my SIL (DH’s sister) have been helpful in lending a hand to take care of DS when he was as little as 5 weeks old so that I could take a nap. And my MIL absolutely loves the idea.

I took my parents abroad to look after my baby while I was at a wedding.

Ignore your mum.

Out of interest, how close are you to your uncle and aunts?

That has nothing to do with being "old school", it's someone bitter about her own situation and trying to make everyone martyr themselves the way she martyred herself.

Enjoy the wedding, your mum's attitude is awfully unhealthy, don't follow her "opinion".

I completely get it. My grandparents wouldn’t mind babysitting us but it was never sleepovers as my grandad felt kids should be in their own bed at night.
So my mum is the same, it means one of us always has to take it easy or be designated driver if we go out but tbh sometimes I’d rather not go places if I can’t have a drink, I know that sounds terrible, but there’s nothing worse IMO then being at a concert or a wedding and everyone else is drinking and I’m sober when I’d normally be in the thick of a party.

That's not "old school". That's some weird family tradition someone started and now your mother is resentful you get help, when no-one helped her, because she was following the weird family tradition/learnt irrational behaviour.

It’s none of your mum’s business. Her feelings on whether your 30 year old sister should babysit or not are completely irrelevant.

Go and have a lovely time.

Mum is old school. Her mum ensured that my aunt never had to look after me. I am not even sure how to explain. Maybe the older generation have taken it too seriously.

I'm curious to know how old your Mum is!

If she doesn't want o look after her GS that's up to her.

Trying to say that no one else should is just laughable.

Did she fear that you would take a yard if she gave an inch?

Are your husband's relatives of the same opinion?

As long as your sister is happy then that's all that matters it's got naff all to do with your mum!

I agree that childcare is your responsibility but you have sorted childcare by asking your sister if she would be happy to do it! I don't believe in assuming family will automatically do all childcare unless they offer to do regular childcare but that's not what is happening and one off requests are fine!

There is nothing 'old school' about refusing to help.

I'd be reminding her of her stance when she is elderly. Help goes both ways.

When you say she is old school, it would be interesting to know your mum's age in that thought process.
Based on your sisters age I would assume not in her 70s or 80s, the age of my family, who would ha e no issue in looking after a child in those circumstances.
You, you husband and your sister are all adults. If you are all happy with the arrangement then your mum's opinion doesn't matter.

My mum is in her late 50s. My Nan is in her early 80s. I’m mid 30.

To answer @diddl no like I mentioned above my SIL (husband’s sister) has been very helpful on multiple occasions. Including a day when my DS was 5 weeks old to look after him for half a day and making me nice hot meals as well while I took a nap.
And I didn’t have to ask for it. It was all voluntary.
Even my sister would be very helpful to do work around the house. Helped set up birthday party for when my son was 1. But my mum keeps telling me that she has done it all alone with little help from my dad when we were little. And that it is okay. And that lots of people are managing it alone and that I should be able to as well. And yes, if I give you a finger you’ll hold my hand/arm.

@TheSnowyOwl I am not so close to uncles and aunts. Only wish them on birthdays/ anniversary/ special occasions. Same is reciprocated.

Your mum sounds a martyr don't let her bother you it's not your fault your dad didn't help her out!

Utterly mad! Enjoy. And for the record I thought your “old school” mum would be about 90, but she’s a couple of years older than me. Bon voyage.

Well I'm in early 60s and it was most definitely a thing that my grannies and my aunts (DM's sisters & SILs) looked after their, grandchildren, nieces and nephews - and my DM returned the compliment ! Odd hours here and there, school holidays, babysitting, overnight stays and on a couple of occasions children staying months when families moved houses. My Dsis and I have continued this with our children and our parents too.

Has your Mum never looked after her grandchildren ? That's a bit sad

Maybe your DM is jealous she didn't have anyone to help her. Raising children is hard work - it takes a village and all that.

I think it's totally fine for your children to be cared for by trusted others. It's good for all parties concerned.

"if I give you a finger you’ll hold my hand/arm" - what does this mean ?

If your sister is genuinely willing and in no way has been pressurised into helping, fine I think. Which seems the case.

Learning a few phrases of French meanwhile will go a long way.