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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To fight 5050 custody?

168 replies

TrucksTrains · 19/06/2023 08:18

I am planning to leave DH. I have been reading threads about divorce etc.

Is 5050 really the starting point these days? I do most of everything for the kids but he's a fairly responsible type who loves his kids (albeit he's a grumpy dad type who ducks the hard stuff but guess that's because I step up).

Kids are young (pre school and early primary).

Is it fair to fight 5050 as its just for fair on the kids? I just dont agree with 5050. I would hate to live in 2 homes. They say its what best for the kids but isn't 5050 to keep the parents happy really?

My close family tell me 5050 is rare but not according to MN.

I want to fight 5050 but is that unfair? Is there even any point? I don't know if I can go through with it if that us the reality of the situation

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 19/06/2023 08:22

What does he want ? How will he cope with work and childcare ?

Gymmum82 · 19/06/2023 08:24

50/50 is best for the children. Equal time with both parents and in terms of what I see in my separated friends it’s what the majority have in place. The only one who doesn’t is with a child with a medical condition that means it’s not in their best interest.
I think it would be unfair to try and fight it. Since you’ve stated your husband is a good father.
Anecdotally one friend did try and fight 50/50 purely because she couldn’t survive alone with no maintenance payments and she was unsuccessful

Buyyouflowers · 19/06/2023 08:24

Does he want 50/50?

50/50 isn’t rare if it’s what the bloke wants.

Orangetang · 19/06/2023 08:24

Without knowing the whole back story, in principle I agree that parents should get 50/50. That can be worked out in multiple ways. Do you think you love them more?

mummabubs · 19/06/2023 08:26

Does your DH know that you're planning to file for divorce OP? I think unless you've had conversations and know what his request re childcare is going to be then it's wasted energy on your part to worry about it at this point.

h3ll0o · 19/06/2023 08:27

My husband saw his dad EOW and believes it wasn’t enough to form a strong bond. What does their dad want?

GoodChat · 19/06/2023 08:29

You need to find out what he wants and you need to know where you'll both be living.

duododuo · 19/06/2023 08:30

I think 50/50 works best when both sides have peaceful separation on friendly terms, are on the same page when it comes to parenting and are ok to live near each other where you have no plans in the near future to move further away.

gogohmm · 19/06/2023 08:32

Yes 50/50 is the starting point. Obviously sometimes there's mitigating factors that mean this isn't possible, some men (too many men) walk away but where the father wants it and the court believes he can make it happen they are unlikely to refuse on the grounds you don't want it. Far better than fighting in court is to come to an amicable compromise that works for you all eg I know families with 60/40

SchoolShenanigans · 19/06/2023 08:33

5050 isn't necessarily fair on the kids. But neither is not seeing one parent much. It totally depends on the situation and both parents situations.

If your husband is responsible, loves his kids and they love him, of course your kids would benefit from spending a good portion of their childhood with him.

It's very easy to talk about divorce and LTB threads make it sound so easy. But having a family is a huge responsibility and part of that is realising that splitting it won't be easy on anyone.

Have you tried improving the relationship? Therapy? Is it really the end of the road for you?

If so, I think you'll have to sit down, once the dust has settled, and discuss an agreed approach to the children.

Lavendersparkles22 · 19/06/2023 08:33

My ex wants 50/50. He currently has 30/70 and I have fought him every step as he isn't brilliant at day to day parenting even though he loves them. It's not standard, and you're not a bad parent to want one main base for them. I also suspect ex doesn't want to pay any maintenance as hes brought this up several times. Speak to your ex and a solicitor ASAP.

QueefQueen80s · 19/06/2023 08:36

I don't understand the ones who don't want 50/50 unless abuse or bad dad. It works perfectly for us and has made ex into an even better dad now he's doing the grunt work. They have a closer bond than they did. Both parents deserve time to themselves, the kids deserve equal time with both parents and vice versa.
Having any less than that means the mum is trying herself in knots working and being majority carer while the dad gets loads of time off for his hobbies and to date new women. Fuck that

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/06/2023 08:36

Personally I don’t think 50:50 tends to work for very young kids. It works better for teens I think (although my teen Dd has stopped doing it now)

I think little kids generally need a main home for stability.

I have seen it done well with parents locally but the parents are BOTH very co operative with one another and both on the same page with parenting. They live very near to each other and crucially were equal parents when they lived together.

You can’t have a parent whose done very little until the split suddenly stepping into 50:50.

Courts don’t start from a 50:50 starting point - there is no starting point save for “what is in the best interests of the children”. People here will tell you it’s the starting point but there isn’t one.

Salvadoral · 19/06/2023 08:37

50/50 is best for the children.

It isn’t always best at all. Of the (many) families I know who share custody, there is a minority for whom this works well; for many children it’s deeply unsettling and destabilizing. For 50/50 to work, both parents need to be on friendly/respectful terms and be mature enough to put the children’s interests first at all times, which all too often isn’t the case. Family courts are deeply misogynistic and it’s naive to think custody arrangements are always made with the children’s best interests at heart.

OP, if he wants 50/50 (and presuming there’s no history of abuse, addiction, etc) he will very likely get it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/06/2023 08:37

But yes it totally depends on the circumstances

OhBanana · 19/06/2023 08:38

As a child of divorce I think 5050 is fairer on the kids if he’s a good dad. I was an every other weekend kid and it was awful. Especially once my dad remarried and spend ten more days a fortnight with someone else’s kids.

Elieza · 19/06/2023 08:40

It’s just a starting point. He my not want it anyway. One of you may have to move to a cheaper area that’s not practical for the preferred school so 50/50 may not be best for the kids.

Ot can also be difficult for an main carer to get a break if it’s 70/30 or whatever.

Id plan on 50/50 and see what happens. You’re in the early stages. Lots is up in the air. Presumably.

Tinkerbyebye · 19/06/2023 08:40

How would you feel if he asked to be the resident parent and you had less than 50/50?

why shouldn’t the kids have the same time with both of you? As adults you make it work

Curtains70 · 19/06/2023 08:40

Does he know you're planning on leaving? Have you spoken about custody arrangements?

I'm not sure why you'd fight to keep the kids from their Dad unless there's a back story here.

bibbityboppityboo · 19/06/2023 08:41

My parents did the same and argued against 50/50 - as a result the bond isn't there with our dad.

In my eyes it would be perfect looking back on what we had instead, equal time with both parents would have been much more settled for us. Being shuttled about isn't always the best, but neither is spending 80% of your time with one parent and not getting to see the other one. It's worse in my experience uprooting your life for just EOW vs actually getting to feel settled in both places.

I don't think fighting it just because you don't agree with it is a good starting point tbh, you've mentioned he's a responsible dad who loves his kids - why shouldn't they get to spend just as much time with him as you? They'll be living in two homes anyway even if it's 80/20, 60/40 or 50/50.

You guys are the ones breaking up the family unit - I think as adults you'll need to remain friendly and close enough to make shared custody work, children pick up on vibes from parents so much more than some people realise.

Original poster

TrucksTrains · 19/06/2023 08:42

It's nothing to do with money or maintenance. I may end up paying him spousal support but the money isn't a factor in my thinking

Just my kids are v dependent on me. Co sleeping sometimes still. And DH isn't v good at day to day parenting and gets irritable with them and also does NO admin for them...

Its just a funny thing to say they're prioritising what is best for the kids and yet I'm told that unless there is abuse its 5050 as standard despite him ducking out of so much up to now.

OP posts:

cushioncovers · 19/06/2023 08:43

Depends. My children would have hated 50/50, they were far more comfortable with me in their own home. Their dad was a lazy parent who was unpredictable in his moods and he would have only ever asked for 50/50 to avoid paying CM but then would have done the absolute bare minimum in caring for them. So no not every divorce settlement is looking to award 50/50.

MaxwellCat · 19/06/2023 08:45

It’s not as common as people make out I don’t think, I don’t know any single mums irl who have 50/50 however I would have LOVED it if my ex wanted 50/50

QueefQueen80s · 19/06/2023 08:45

Salvadoral · 19/06/2023 08:37

50/50 is best for the children.

OP, if he wants 50/50 (and presuming there’s no history of abuse, addiction, etc) he will very likely get it.

And of the many families I know who don't share 50:50, the mum is wrung out and resentful and the kids don't have a bond with their dad. Different experiences.
I can't IMAGINE not being able to see my kids an equal amount of time.

QueefQueen80s · 19/06/2023 08:46