To feel resentful of my husband?

[Oscarpapa]

Maybe I’m burnt out and tired but I’m really struggling with division of labour in our house.

Background: Three kids - 15, 13 and 10. My 13 and 10 year old both have significant special needs. 13 year old went through mainstream primary but moved to a specialist secondary. Youngest always attended a specialist as they have significant complex needs. Decided by my DH and I that I would be a sahm as kids couldn’t attend nursery for more than a couple of hours a few days a week,

Have now been back to work for 6 years in one of the limited term time only jobs as childcare issues remain the same which has meant options are limited. I’m doing all after school and holiday care - youngest needs constant supervision, cooking, washing up, ironing, cleaning, ehcp reviews, therapies etc along with a 32 hour a week job whilst DH has moved to director level in a hybrid role and is home usually by 6.30 ish.

I’m shattered. DH isn’t bothered if I work or not as my salary is minimal. I’m just so tired. DH has continued with a relatively normal life. Trains our eldest son in a sport they both love twice a week, goes to the gym several times a week. I’ve no energy to do anything. I feel like I’ve taken on a job plus retained all the household and kids mental load. Youngest isn’t sleeping and has no transport to school so I’m also having to take him to school everyday which is costing me two hours.

So basically he sees you as the family support human. What conversation do you need to have with him?

I’ve spoken to him before but nothing seems to change. He doesn’t want a cleaner but doesn’t fancy pitching in more. If he thinks stuff needs doing in the morning for getting the kids ready he’ll ask what needs doing. Rather than just going and doing.

What’s funny is he’ll say that our youngest is incredibly challenging - which he is. He’s got complex needs, no speech, behavioural issues and yet doesn’t think extending more support to me would be helpful.

It’s really hard to change roles that have become ingrained.

I’m not saying this to suggest YABU. You aren’t. Just pointing out that it’s going to be a lot of effort to make your situation better. But I think you really need to do it.

It sounds like your DH is quite involved with your DS who doesn’t have special needs but doesn’t get as involved with your DC who do. Is that the case, because I think I’d that a bit distressing tbh and want to change this as much as anything.

What support would you ideally get? Does it need to be DH doing it? It sounds like you need your job for your own emotional health, but money could be used to help solve other problems? Could you pay for more support?

Also, why does your DH’s desire not to have a cleaner trump your desire to have one? Can you not just say “It’s pulling your weight more with cleaning or hiring one. Up to you [DH] but if I come home to a dirty bathroom one more time I’m calling We’ll Make Your Home Sparkle and getting a weekly clean set up.”?

He doesn’t want a cleaner but doesn’t fancy pitching in more.

I think this is actually ‘He doesn’t want me to have a job so doesn’t fancy pitching in more.’

Tell him you want the job for yourself (if you do?) and so a cleaner is non-negotiable.

Give him more evening jobs. He can cook, can’t he?

What would you like him to do - what jobs and responsibilities would benefit you most? Start there.

Completely agree with @NoSquirrels he doesn't want to do any household tasks above what he currently does, this is very common when men have had a sah partner who does it all. That is why he isn't pitching in because he is probably hoping you quit work.

Lay out what you want, on X days he is responsible for making dinner, he is now in charge of X and you are hiring a cleaner, that part is non-negotiable, it falls under what will benefit your well being and surely he doesn't want a completely frazzled, burnt out wife.

I hardly think he can call the shots re help and not do anything! Insist on a cleaner twice a week, time off for you to relax. I would stop working until the children reached adulthood. You are doing two full time jobs op, whilst dh is cherry picking the best bits.

@NumberTheory, I definitely think he got used to me doing anything home and kids related. In previous jobs he’d be less available and home a lot later. DH doesn’t spend much time with the youngest at all. To be fair, youngest doesn’t like interaction at all and would rather be alone, he’s also like this at school. He has no special interests outside of his iPad and has a very limited attention span if you do manage to get them involved in anything.

I’m not sure why his desire to not have a cleaner trumps mine to be honest.

I think he avoids what he doesn’t want to do. He dislikes ironing so leaves it to me. That’s one of the things I find most disrespectful is that I don’t like ironing but I still have to find the time to do it. Same with the bathroom.

I feel it’s like he’s happy with me working but I feel he sees it as just a little job that’s not as important as his (which it isn’t but it’s still a commitment). He uses the example of a friend couple of his who are both in senior jobs and earn relatively similar wages and split home life down the middle. It feels like he’s suggesting my job is a low wage therefore isn’t very important. He currently works 6.5 hours more than me a week yet home seems to be my responsibility.

I see myself still very much as a carer. And I need time to decompress and I’m not getting that. I’m not particularly fussed about working it’s more that I feel I should.

Hmmm OP this is hard. Beucase of course you aren't BU to be fed up. But on the other hand you seem to just accept what your DH says and pick up his slack, and by the sounds of it you've been doing that for a decade. Things are not going to change before you speak up and put your foot down. Carrying on as you are makes you complicit to this arrangement.

I couldn't and wouldn't live like that.

I’m not sure why his desire to not have a cleaner trumps mine to be honest.

It doesn't, so just find one.

I think he avoids what he doesn’t want to do. He dislikes ironing so leaves it to me. That’s one of the things I find most disrespectful is that I don’t like ironing but I still have to find the time to do it. Same with the bathroom.

Just don't do it for him. I wouldn't. He can either wear unironed stuff or iron it himself. This can extend to lots of things, his washing, his food etc.

The stuff with the kids is a bit different, but all the house hold stuff, especially the things relating to yoru "D"H can easily be dropped and then he has a choice of doing it himself or outsourcing it.

what would you like to happen? Dh steps up - what could he do, what works around his schedule?

perhaps him taking on a few tasks and getting a cleaner would improve things? You can’t carry on as you are, it’s way too much and you must be emotionally drained as well as exhausted.

it sounds so difficult working in your situation but I think it’s worth hanging onto your job. You’ve done really well to get back into work after time out.

Get a cleaner and an ironing person.
Don't tell him unless he notices...
Then he can agree having them is an advantage...

Even small things like occasionally doing some ironing, cleaning the bathroom. I don’t want the earth but just a bit more help. To occasionally wash up. I’m just knackered. I’m finding 32 hours of work a lot along with finding the energy to deal with the kids when they get home. I’m not asking him to spend hours scrubbing the floors but just doing a bit so I don’t feel completely taken for granted. He’s likely to be offered an additional role alongside his current director role and I can foresee this will take up his time.

Get a cleaner. Stop washing and ironing his clothes.

He's showing you zero respect so repay the favour.

He doesn’t see the problems you gave because he doesn’t have them.

The only way to let him see how hard your life is.. is to go away for the weekend just yourself and leave him to crack on with it. Leave a list of floors to be mopped and ironing to be done etc and what meals to cook for the kids.

Go to your mums or whatever. He had to be left long enough to really feel the burn. Only then will he see your side of it.

You may find then he’s more understanding.

Well maybe you SHOULD ask for the Earth, you’re working roughly similar hours but he’s spending his non work time on leisure pursuits and you’re spending looking after your dependent children, the house and him. If you ask for a lot you’re more likely to get something. At the moment he probably feels if he graciously condescended to cook and omelette or clean the toilet you’d be in his debt for life.

Tell him it’s going to be 50/50 at home from now on. He’s cooking half the meals, doing half the jobs for the younger kids, washing up when you cook, he’s going to be in charge of cleaning the kitchen/living room while you do bedrooms/bathroom OR you can jointly get a cleaner. If he doesn’t step up you’ll be doing less and less starting with his stuff.

There is no excuse for how he’s been slacking off at home.

If you want to stay married, then consider whether you want to stay in that job. Obviously life would be much easier if you didn't go to work, but if you get really good rewards from going to work such as companionship, using your brain etc, then you do have to think about whether your marriage is compatible with this.

She needs to stay in her job iMO for when she finally gets fed up with him and leaves him

If you’re just working because you think you should, what would it be like if you gave yourself permission not to work? Would it be a relief? What would your DH say?

Get an ironing service straight away - they don't come into the home so there is no reasonable objection.
Push for cleaner for sure.

For a start, if you're 'in charge' of home then you get final say over a cleaner. Get a cleaner. And someone to do the ironing, or just stop ironing completely. With two working parents, ironing is not an essential. Delegate him some jobs that are always his jobs. Eg keeping the living room tidy, cooking 4 nights a week.

I do agree with this, and I think it's good for her to have friendships out of the home etc but she is absolutely exhausted.

Why are you working??
if it’s because you want to retain some sense of ‘self’ then just get a nice job once a week in a garden centre or a clothes shop or something but please don’t burn yourself out in a full time job.
the children should be getting high rate care which would amount to a decent part time wage anyway. If you feel you must work full time then your husband needs to get you some home help before you kill yourself trying to cope.

Book a week's holiday for yourself and explain to him that he gets his breaks away, his gym time and his free time and you now need some time off as you're on the verge of breakdown.

Leave him to do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc for a week (don't batch cook or do all the washing before you go etc) and when you get back you then have a discussion about whether HE found it hard and whether he felt he needed a cleaner/ironing service/more support etc.

Unless he has to do what you are doing, he won't see how hard it is, or the real value of your input.

So make him see it and then divide the load more equally.

Have you ever had to care for a disabled child? No amount of ‘independent women’ vibes are worth the sheer back breaking exhaustion of having to work full time as well as caring for a disabled children. Besides when you have a disabled child it’s unpredictable and majority of your time is taken up by rushing from appointment to appointment, in fact I don’t think there are many jobs out there that will contract you to full time work and let you take off 3 days a week for sickness, hospital appointments, therapy etc etc etc etc