To feel resentful of my husband?

[Oscarpapa]

Maybe I’m burnt out and tired but I’m really struggling with division of labour in our house.

Background: Three kids - 15, 13 and 10. My 13 and 10 year old both have significant special needs. 13 year old went through mainstream primary but moved to a specialist secondary. Youngest always attended a specialist as they have significant complex needs. Decided by my DH and I that I would be a sahm as kids couldn’t attend nursery for more than a couple of hours a few days a week,

Why not get a cleaner and also pay her the extra hour for ironing?

Im assuming you have a very tidy income with you working and your husband in a senior role.

Why not ask him to take on the chores for one week only so he can truly understand how much you do?

Also do you have a gym membership? Why not go yourself to get a bit of me time

OP first one, non negotiable you get your ironing outsourced. Tell him that you are no longer doing it and you find a service that can do yours and your children's it's up to him if he does his own.

Cleaner... Get the damn cleaner, you are both working, you're exhausted and this is something that will instantly relieve some pressure.

Rota in his gym and activity with your son. Rota in time for you, do you like to swim? Even just go out for a coffee? Get it on a calendar and that is your time, on those nights husband makes dinner and deals with the evening routine. If your night is impeded because of something he has planned, no problem you get his next gym night.

The nights need splitting too. You can't go on like this. If you are to continue working you need to have sleep at night as presumably you can't catch up during the day.

Be very very clear with your husband that the above needs to happen and needs to work. Does he even notice the toll it's having on you?

Explain that next steps are a complete division of everything most importantly the mental admin you deal with, you both work pretty much full time so that's 50/50 appointments, reviews, household tasks etc. If the stuff that can be outsourced isn't because of him protesting then the other things running through your mind have to be divided out. I'm sure paying for cleaning support will be far less onerous for him than leaving work at midday to attend appointments.

Please try and make sure there's protected time for you, even if you have to force yourself to leave the house for it at first until the routine is embedded.

If your salary is negligible then I suggest you giving up work.

That way you have sufficient time to do the housework etc..., as well as having some time for yourself and can have more energy to tackle the children.

In holidays, get a cleaner. It is irrelevant whether your husband wants one or not. In the holidays you NEED one!

OP hasn't said if she enjoys her work or not. If she does then it would be an absolute shame to give up financial independence for concerns that can be addressed by the H getting over himself and getting some more paid help such as outsourcing ironing and getting a cleaner in.

If she hates it, rather than just doesn't have enough bandwidth to do everything, that's different.

He's only been able to become a Director, because you've supported, and facilitated this, at home. Unless you expressly need a vagina to do some of the duties (and also, if a penis is required), they are not female/male roles.
I think you need to sit down and have a very serious conversation about this - work out what can be outsourced, and what needs to be done by one of you (maybe because some things are better done in person with your SEN children, for example.) Also, decide what you can live with not being done. Can you say that you reduce ironing, or don't wash the car every week.... Honestly, housework slatternly ways are my specialty. 😀

If he works 40 hours a week, and you work 32, then you only have 8 hours difference. I'd suggest you say that there is - for example - 20 hours of 'home' work to be done each week. If you're looking at equal distribution, then you're saying you should do the first 8 hours, which leaves 12 hours of work. Therefore, you do 6 each from that. That would mean you're both doing 46 hours of paid/unpaid work.

Get a cleaner, and either stop ironing altogether, or buy in an ironing service. Decide whether you want to carry on with your job or not and do what makes you feel better.

He is telling you that he does not value your time. This is compounded by the fact that he would split the household labour 50.50 with you, if you earned equally to him. What a delight he is.

This is making me feel so furious on your behalf OP. Neither of you sit down unless you can both sit down. If he goes to the gym three nights a week, you need to take three nights a week to do something you enjoy doing, outside the home. I know you're knackered, but if it's a really low key yoga class where you can lie with a blanket over you for an hour and snore then do that. You need to find some tiny bit of joy and time for yourself and you're going to have to carve that out, he won't facilitate it.

He needs to be in charge of X, Y, Z, ie food shopping, packed lunches, all the washing up, laundry etc etc etc, he won't offer to help you OP, you're literally there doing the things he doesn't want to do and he's got no impetus to change whatsoever. He's quite alright, thankyou very much. Your situation is incredibly challenging and he's not feeling a pinch of it.

How you can claim to love someone and watch them struggle like this I do not know. I would be doing what others have suggested and kicking off the new regime with a bang, and booking a few days away. Don't leave lists. Don't fill the fridge. Tell him he will have to take this and that date off work as holiday as you will be going away, and leave him to it for a few nights. Nothing will set on fire, make sure you've got a couple of appointments in there too. Your kids need to see you as a person, a human, with feelings and needs and a life, not a domestic appliance that's about to blow a fuse.

Get a cleaner and find someone who will do your ironing. Don't tell him. Home is your responsibility so just do it. See if that helps the load. If you still need him to do more then you need to give him his areas of responsibility. That's not an ask, it's a directive. As a Director he should grasp the concept. Stop doing anything that's his responsibility. If that doesn't work then I think you need to think hard about your future with this man.

OP I'm a lone parent, I work full time and have a DD14 with SEN. I have a cleaner.

Just make the decision. The best part about being a lone parent is not having to negotiate.

Seeing as he is leaving everything to you, treat it as you are running your family life on your own.

Make some decisions.

I totally get what you mean about the disrespect inherent in not doing ironing because he doesn’t like it but that meaning you have to do even though you feel the same way. That’s the sort of thing that kills a marriage.

you say you think of yourself as a carer but that you feel like you ought to work. Do you like being a carer? Do you like your paid job? What would you be doing now if you’d had the freedom over those sorts of choices that DH has had?

I think you have a lot to think about about what you want from life. Maybe mulling it over yourself or on here will do it. But maybe some counseling would help. You also need a talk with DH where you spell out very clearly that you know your getting the short end of the stick here and you are not happy and not prepared for things to keep going this way.

in the meantime, what would happen if you just went ahead and hired a cleaner?

Thanks to everyone who has posted. Sorry for not coming back sooner, I just wanted to think things through. In terms of having a job, I feel I should. My DH nor anyone else has said anything I suppose I would feel lazy not working when the kids are at school. I’ve not had any choice in jobs since the kids have come along, the criteria has always just been remote working and term time only. I did a year of a job that was throughout the year and working when the kids were at home was too stressful. I left a toxic work place earlier in the year and everyone at my new place is really nice, I just feel burnt out. Juggling all the demands of work, home and kids.
And as much as I adore my kids it has been very very hard raising them. I still feel a lot of sadness and to an extent grief. It’s all sort of mixed in and I go through periods when they’re hard work of feeling very low.

I think my DH has to a degree become entrenched in the role of breadwinner and me handling most of the stuff at home with him chipping in bits here and there. His previous jobs have always required travel and long hours.

I do feel a bit disrespected and that he doesn’t listen to me when I’m asking him to help meal plan for example. I feel like he thinks as the kids are all settled at school (except for the one I have to spend two hours of my day getting to school) that everything is all okay and we’re just a normal family and I should be alright but as pathetic as it sounds, I feel completely bruised from the effect of being their parent/carer. I’m still kicked and hit, in the past we’ve had to take legal action against the local authority, small things are such a battle. It feels like a trauma of some kind (I hope no one feels that’s disrespectful).

I don’t have any sense of self linked to my job - I do like getting a pay check though.

Hi OP, I have just the one child and I hear you about the SEN. I don't find people get it at all. EHCPs suck. You are battling with services that actually aim to deny you help while going through things others aren't. Meanwhile your husband skips off to work and then kindly takes the neurotypical child to train in a sport he also plays. Of course you feel bruised and hard done by.

Firstly, the 10 hours of driving means you and DH have the same work hours. It's hardly a fun activity. And I you didn't do it DC would have no education. It's a huge contribution!

The disturbed nights need to be split. Lack of sleep is a killer.

The rest of the work needs to be split or outsourced.

Have you been to couple's counselling? If he's basically thoughtless, it could be a good reset.

Do things that make your life easier. Prioritise that in every decision.

@Phineyj, I’m not sure he’d agree to couples counselling. In his head he knows life is tough but it doesn’t seem to spur into action. I just don’t think he really feels the impact. Whereas I’m at the point now where I feel I’m falling apart. Every little thing feels like it’s too much from putting some ironing away to just washing up. I just feel like the constant demands are choking me. The kids are just entering early teens and I think is this my life now? Is this all there is? An endless future involving caring. I just feel completely and utterly empty.

Well then maybe go and talk to a counsellor by yourself? You sound quite depressed.

Another take on this is that your children will gradually become older and get more independent. You will get your life back. Worth thinking about what you'd like it to look like.

Also, have you checked out physical causes - thyroid, anaemia, low vitamin D, menopause? Those can all make you feel awful.

Another take on this is that your children will gradually become older and get more independent. You will get your life back. Worth thinking about what you'd like it to look like.
Depending on what exactly "significant complex needs" means, this may not be entirely true - that's what makes OP's position especially difficult. I agree individual counselling might well help, on the way to either renegotiation within the marriage, or divorce, but there isn't likely to be an easy answer here.

He doesn’t feel the impact because you cushion him from it! I know it’s tough to confront people but he is taking the piss.

If I were in your shoes it would be ultimatum time, but you have to really mean it.

If he wants his clothes ironed he can do it. Same with washing gym clothes and anything he needs to be off doing hobbies with your eldest.

How are your finances set up? Do you pool all family income? Just hire a cleaner and tell him it’s happening. If he doesn’t like it he can get off of his arse and do it. Make sure you are saving some money for yourself as well.

Have you been paying into a pension? If not, get that set up and make sure you are putting in as much as he is no doubt putting into his.

Honestly, long term I don’t see how your relationship can survive. Your husband is cruel, he sees you struggling and does nothing because he’s alright. That’s not a bloody marriage. That’s not even a friendship.

OP write a wish list, what do you really want? What is non negotiable…

Do you want to work? Would a reduction in hours or leaving work help you feel less burnt out?

Do you have a hobby you’d like to pursue? When my older kids were small i went to costa with my book to avoid bedtime once a week.

Would having a weekly block of time help you?

And are there any corners you can cut? I don’t iron anything, I get my food shop delivered and when I go back to work (mat leave) I will cost out a cleaner. In my experience my friends with the happiest relationships have cleaners

You sound like you are burning out.

It can be really hard in that situation as if other people don't see it, then the sorting out a cleaner /an ironing service and the dealing with the fact that your husband doesn't want one just becomes another thing on your to do list which contributes to your burnt out feeling.

If you can, take a bit of time now and look immediately at your next week. Is there anything you can drop just to give yourself a couple of hours of time to yourself? If so, drop it. If you feel responsible and worried about dropping it then say to yourself - I'm getting burnt out because I'm doing so much, I need some time for me.

Create some time to meet your needs, as if you don't eventually you will burn out totally and you won't be able to meet anyone else's.

Been there done that got the t-shirt.

That’s it, I feel utterly burnt out. With our 13 year old dc they may be able to live in supported living but will need quite a bit of help and it’s unlikely they’ll be able to work ft.

Youngest dc unless they live in residential care, they will never be independent. If anyone has watched there she goes with David Tennant, my dc is very much like Rosie. They can’t speak more than the odd word, significant comprehension issues, can’t read or write and has severe behavioural issues such as biting or hitting. They need 1:1 even at home. We have to keep our windows locked at all times if they’re home and bedrooms (except theirs) have locks on so when the other kids leave them DC3 doesn’t go in and break things. There’s virtually no chance of being independent unless we can find them a residential home anywhere.

I have considered counselling for myself. I would say I’m not brilliant at expressing my feelings to anyone. I have a very complicated relationship with my mother and was pushed into doing things when I was uncomfortable and then I’d have my discomfort thrown back at me.

I do feel very depressed, I cry at least once a day which I know isn’t healthy. Part of me wonders if working is worth it (though I know mumsnet says you should never ever financially rely on a man). There isn’t a chance of reducing hours as it was originally a full time role and I work four days and don’t work in school holidays.

I think part of it is my husband has become so used to me dealing with the kids that he’s been feel to get on with his life. When I’ve bought up needing a bit more help he always circles back to his friend and friend’s wife who are both senior and earn the same so split duties depending on whose busy and whose not. And to me it feels a bit like because I don’t earn a lot, I’m not remotely senior that I’m not an equal so we shouldn’t have to equally split the home load.

I’m sorry, OP, it sounds so tough for you. I think you’re amazing for coping.

When I’ve bought up needing a bit more help he always circles back to his friend and friend’s wife who are both senior and earn the same so split duties depending on whose busy and whose not. And to me it feels a bit like because I don’t earn a lot, I’m not remotely senior that I’m not an equal so we shouldn’t have to equally split the home load.

It ‘feels a bit like’ that because that’s EXACTLY what he means. And that’s awful of him.

Have you told him you’re burning out?

Honestly (and I’m usually part of the MN. ‘You must have a job!’ brigade), I think you might be better not working, for a while at least. You don’t sound like the job is giving you any pleasure outside of home life, only the ‘fairly minimal’ pay check.

You can’t fight battles on every front. And if you can’t make your DH step up (because it’s a battle you don’t have the resources for right now) then you should step back from earning. You’re married, you’ve DC with complex needs. Take a break while they’re at school, rest and recover - use the time for counselling for yourself? - and make a medium-term plan for the next phase of life.

Sweetheart I have some idea of why you are doing. There's a way- but you need to take it.

Stop. Tell him that he can have Sundays off, you're having Saturdays, and simply be out.

Do no housework unless you are both there, both working.
Do no ironing. I haven't ironed except for weddings in years. I buy easy clothes for the DC.

Order in take aways. Let the house stuff pile up. Go to bed when he comes in from work.

Tell him your ill/tired/depressed and have to go to bed.

At the moment he thinks it's ok because you are coping. Some people don't hear what you say, they have to see you not coping, not doing it.

Your mum has taught you to put your own needs last. Your DH has allowed it to carry on.
Only you can stop it.

I agree with @NoSquirrels. If you're getting that much disrespect and you're working, it's going to be little different if you stop - but you would have time for some self care.

Are you claiming all the benefits you're entitled to? DLA etc.

You have done amazingly to work till now. Most mums of DC with severe SEN end up stopping in my experience. All the paperwork and meetings don't just do themselves!

I bet those friends of your husband don't have two DC with complex needs. He has no idea, does he? Sad.

If your DH isn't bothered whether you work or not and you are burning out then maybe it's worth considering a career break/sabbatical.

I'm on a sabbatical after a similar situation, and I've planned to take a year off work and then review.

You don't have to make permanent decisions about work. But if you are burning out, and are in a position to take a break, then it's worth exploring.

I found my gp quite helpful as well - if you are crying every day then you may be depressed and it's worth trying to get an appointment.

I agree with above - do less
go out more

I don’t iron dh stuff anymore - I got fed up and felt it was sexist so I pile his stuff and he irons on a Sunday (he was a bit shocked at first) but one day he made a comment the collar wasn’t perfect so I quietly stopped

deffo go out early on a Saturday and go to bed a bit more

your dh is really selfish

Aside from DLA we aren’t entitled to any other benefits. I think the biggest thing I’m finding is that I’m not coping with the knocks that come with parenting children with Sen. One is doing well thankfully but the youngest, things are getting harder. We had a hospital appointment last week and dc just couldn’t cope, he screamed, hit me, tried to run in the road. The hospital knew he had significant needs but still expected him to come to his appointment early and sit around for several hours.

My DH takes most of it in his stride. For me after 13 years of caring, 13 years of being complained to about my child by nursery/school by transport companies. Being told we’d have to leave a nursery as my son took his trousers off as he wanted to go to the toilet, to being asked not to come to a toddler group as my son wanted to dance not sit on my lap to going to court against a school. The older I get, each knock just seems to push me down and I’m starting to think it’s not the chores but emotionally I’m finding the balance of kids and work too much. At home I am letting more stuff go, but at work, I can’t do that. Because I’m so tired, it feels like it is taking me longer to get myself back to a state to care for the kids. I feel like I need more time to destress and I can’t fit 32 hours of work into doing that.

For a start, he doesn’t get to decide you can’t have a cleaner. Get one!

You speak more of him as a boss than a partner.

And he needs to take on half the load of eveythimg, including the mental load.