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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to insist my son uses his phone

67 replies

callmeson · 19/06/2023 06:33

My son is going into year 7 and will start taking the bus in Sept so I just got him his first phone for his birthday.

He goes to his dad's a lot too and I like the idea of being able to keep in touch when needed. I rarely contact with him when he's with his dad but maybe once every couple of days to say hi, or if anything comes up that I need to ask him.

I bought the phone and pay the bills. His dad doesn't work so doesn't pay any child support.

My ex and I have an awful relationship (he cheated on me many many times) so it's great not to have to go through him to contact my boy.

The problem is, my son never seems to have his phone with him (or it's on silent) when he's with his dad. I needed to ask him something important his weekend and no reply. I asked his dad on Saturday to ensure he checked his phone and reply to the message, and no reply from either them them the whole weekend.

I try to remind him whenever he heads out, to keep an eye on his phone.

He'll be home this morning and I'm quite angry, honestly. I'm not a shouty parent at all, and I know he's not used to having a phone (he's had it about a month) but I'm really annoyed that he's not checking the phone at all.

I do realise it's his dad's time with him and I don't want to get in the way of that, but the purpose of the phone is to make communication much easier, when I do need something, particularly as he's sometimes gone for a whole week.

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 19/06/2023 06:41

He's about 12 years old if I understand correctly? What could possibly be so important that you need to contact him during a few days away?

Sorry OP, but I think this is quite overbearing. A phone should be for his benefit in case of emergency, not for you to have a means of inserting yourself into his life while he's away from you.

GeriatricMumma · 19/06/2023 06:52

callmeson · 19/06/2023 06:33

My son is going into year 7 and will start taking the bus in Sept so I just got him his first phone for his birthday.

He goes to his dad's a lot too and I like the idea of being able to keep in touch when needed. I rarely contact with him when he's with his dad but maybe once every couple of days to say hi, or if anything comes up that I need to ask him.

I bought the phone and pay the bills. His dad doesn't work so doesn't pay any child support.

My ex and I have an awful relationship (he cheated on me many many times) so it's great not to have to go through him to contact my boy.

The problem is, my son never seems to have his phone with him (or it's on silent) when he's with his dad. I needed to ask him something important his weekend and no reply. I asked his dad on Saturday to ensure he checked his phone and reply to the message, and no reply from either them them the whole weekend.

I try to remind him whenever he heads out, to keep an eye on his phone.

He'll be home this morning and I'm quite angry, honestly. I'm not a shouty parent at all, and I know he's not used to having a phone (he's had it about a month) but I'm really annoyed that he's not checking the phone at all.

I do realise it's his dad's time with him and I don't want to get in the way of that, but the purpose of the phone is to make communication much easier, when I do need something, particularly as he's sometimes gone for a whole week.

He's with his dad - whatever you need to speak about can be done when we returns.

Are you sure this isn't about your ability to track / know where he is?

NumberTheory · 19/06/2023 06:53

I think it’s reasonable to expect him to check his phone from time to time and respond to messages from time to time. The point is to ease communication and make life smoother and that goes both ways. But he’s young and not used to it. It’s a learning curve. So voicing anger towards him wouldn’t be reasonable. You need to remind him. And maybe sit down with him and go through the settings so that you’re a priority number and your messages get flashed on his home screen or whatever.

Original poster
callmeson · 19/06/2023 06:58

HappiestSleeping · 19/06/2023 06:41

He's about 12 years old if I understand correctly? What could possibly be so important that you need to contact him during a few days away?

Sorry OP, but I think this is quite overbearing. A phone should be for his benefit in case of emergency, not for you to have a means of inserting yourself into his life while he's away from you.

The thing is, I’m like the least overbearing parent in the world (honestly). It’s more about being frustrated that he’s kind of discarded it and isn’t getting into the habit of checking it. I feel like it’s a new level of responsibility that he should be learning.

Maybe that’s a good thing. I’m conflicted in it to be honest (precisely because he’s really independent and I’m not generally overbearing in any way, so this is new for both of us), but I felt like he was old enough for me to be able to contact him directly. When his friends come over, they’ve all already got phones and their parents would always contact them, rather than me, about pick up times etc, or just to say hi.

OP posts:
Original poster
callmeson · 19/06/2023 06:59

GeriatricMumma · 19/06/2023 06:52

He's with his dad - whatever you need to speak about can be done when we returns.

Are you sure this isn't about your ability to track / know where he is?

Show quote history

This couldn’t be further from the type of person I am!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 19/06/2023 07:02

When he goes to school make sure it’s in the bottom of his bag switch off for emergencies. But beyond that I would be pleased that he isn’t going straight to being permanently attached to his phone!

WandaWonder · 19/06/2023 07:05

My son hates his phone and only uses it for playing games, he uses it to contact me if he has to for any reason that is all I need as long as he knows it is there

SparklingLime · 19/06/2023 07:06

It’s more about being frustrated that he’s kind of discarded it and isn’t getting into the habit of checking it. I feel like it’s a new level of responsibility that he should be learning.

Why on earth would checking a phone (for emergencies and important communications from his mum?) be a desirable responsibility for a 12-year-old?

ASimpleLobsterHat · 19/06/2023 07:14

My DS (13) still only uses his phone for games and doesn't take it to school. I'm quite happy that he's not glued to his phone and will not be encouraging him to take it everywhere with him and check it continuously. I think you just have to carry on as you were before he got the phone and be thankful that he's not yet obsessed with his phone! It's certainly not something I'd be getting angry about or encouraging him to change. He has the rest of his life to be glued to his phone like the rest of us; why would you push him to be like that at 11?

GeriatricMumma · 19/06/2023 07:18

Then why do you need to contact him when he is with his dad?

This isn't about him getting ready to answer 'emergency' calls at all.

He's 12, if there is a genuine emergency, he wound get his phone out and use it - he's not there to respond to emergencies?

There is also a reason you mentioned his dad being a prolific cheat. How long have you been separated?

BelindaBears · 19/06/2023 07:20

He’s 11 and still in primary school right now. It’s perfectly reasonable for communication to still go through an adult. Being angry at him would be so unreasonable.

Theunamedcat · 19/06/2023 07:25

I get it, my son does this I text him to ask if he had his keys as I wasn't going to be home no reply I rang WhatsApp voice called messaged still no reply I waved at him from a bus stop to say get off early im not home he didn't see me THEN he gets home and remembered he has a phone when he couldn't get in the house

He checks it now (occasionally)

Original poster
callmeson · 19/06/2023 07:33

GeriatricMumma · 19/06/2023 07:18

Then why do you need to contact him when he is with his dad?

This isn't about him getting ready to answer 'emergency' calls at all.

He's 12, if there is a genuine emergency, he wound get his phone out and use it - he's not there to respond to emergencies?

There is also a reason you mentioned his dad being a prolific cheat. How long have you been separated?

I’ve been divorced 10 years. I mentioned it to give context to why I have absolutely no time for him and therefore don’t like contacting him directly (I do, of course, it’s just never a pleasant interaction).

OP posts:
Original poster
callmeson · 19/06/2023 07:35

Theunamedcat · 19/06/2023 07:25

I get it, my son does this I text him to ask if he had his keys as I wasn't going to be home no reply I rang WhatsApp voice called messaged still no reply I waved at him from a bus stop to say get off early im not home he didn't see me THEN he gets home and remembered he has a phone when he couldn't get in the house

He checks it now (occasionally)

This is exactly the kind of thing I mean. Like “James wants to come for a play date later, but did you get all your homework finished at dad’s house, otherwise you’ll need to do that instead”…..

That kind of communication. (That’s just an example).

OP posts:
Icedlatteplease · 19/06/2023 07:46

callmeson · 19/06/2023 07:35

This is exactly the kind of thing I mean. Like “James wants to come for a play date later, but did you get all your homework finished at dad’s house, otherwise you’ll need to do that instead”…..

That kind of communication. (That’s just an example).

Show quote history

Kids from split homes where the parents don't get on do what they need to do to survive.

If dad doesn't like the phone being out the phone will go away. Don't make his life harder than it is be insisting otherwise. Your house your rules, dad's house dad's rules. He needs to choose himself which rules he carries across to the other home.

At 12 and old enought for his own phone, he is old enough arrange his own "playdates". And homework

Everyone should have a lockable key box (you never know when you might need it) so that example isn't really valid either. If kid is locked out for a good few hours it's a good learning moment.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 19/06/2023 07:50

callmeson · 19/06/2023 07:35

This is exactly the kind of thing I mean. Like “James wants to come for a play date later, but did you get all your homework finished at dad’s house, otherwise you’ll need to do that instead”…..

That kind of communication. (That’s just an example).

Show quote history

@callmeson

I really don’t think your example above about the play date is urgent.

You do sound overbearing, sorry.

HappiestSleeping · 19/06/2023 07:55

callmeson · 19/06/2023 06:58

The thing is, I’m like the least overbearing parent in the world (honestly). It’s more about being frustrated that he’s kind of discarded it and isn’t getting into the habit of checking it. I feel like it’s a new level of responsibility that he should be learning.

Maybe that’s a good thing. I’m conflicted in it to be honest (precisely because he’s really independent and I’m not generally overbearing in any way, so this is new for both of us), but I felt like he was old enough for me to be able to contact him directly. When his friends come over, they’ve all already got phones and their parents would always contact them, rather than me, about pick up times etc, or just to say hi.

Show quote history

Still sounds like something you want rather than something that benefits him.

As others have said, I'd be pleased he isn't glued to it. I remember being 12 (just) and the thought of my mum pinging me whenever she felt like it would be dreadful.

Also, there will come a time when he is hanging on for a message from someone he fancies, then it will be front and centre in his mind. Until then, just let him be 12 and let it unroll in whatever way it does.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 19/06/2023 08:00

A mum wanting to contact her son occasionally while he's away for a week?

How awful 🙄

You are defo not being unreasonable, a phone for this is a great idea. Of course you want/ need to contact him sometimes!

Getting angry with him for not checking his phone, maybe a tad unreasonable. Just remind him, he's not used to having one. Check his dad didn't stop him using it too.

Original poster
callmeson · 19/06/2023 08:04

HelpMeUnpickThis · 19/06/2023 07:50

@callmeson

I really don’t think your example above about the play date is urgent.

You do sound overbearing, sorry.

Show quote history

I don’t remember saying it was urgent? I’m saying that’s the kind of thing I might message him about, that’s not urgent but would be useful if he responds.

OP posts:
Chachachachachachacha · 19/06/2023 08:28

Maybe his dad is doing stuff with him rather than letting him sit around on his phone like most kids his age. I’d be glad of that tbh.
If there’s anything you desperately need to tell him while he’s away surely you can just call his dad? Otherwise let them have their time together. Does his dad contact him when he’s with you?
Unless he’s asking to call you and his dad is refusing (which doesn’t sound like the case from what you’ve posted), I think yabu.

Nomorenonbinary · 19/06/2023 08:34

What do you think used to happen before kids had their own mobiles?

Original poster
callmeson · 19/06/2023 08:35

Thanks all for your feedback. I think it's just a habit thing. There's nothing remotely entertaining on the phone - it's only for texts to family, so I guess there's no reason he's drawn to checking it.

It would be good if he remembered to glance at it, maybe once a day, when we're away from each other for long blocks of time. But I agree I don't want him glued to it.

OP posts:
lljkk · 19/06/2023 08:37

I can't get my 80yo father to learn to pick up messages I send him.

I often miss messages on my phone, DC consider me hopeless.

I am baffled at people who pick up every msg quickly. Are you every 5 minutes unlocking your phone & checking every single app (Messenger, texts, Twitter, Insta, Snapchat, personal emails, private emails, WhatsApp, Facebook groups...) to see if someone said something to you?

I dunno, as long as you know he's safe, I am leaning towards YABU. Let him be a kid.

Rachie1973 · 19/06/2023 08:41

What could be so urgent for a 12 year old that he needs to know whilst with his Dad?

Marblessolveeverything · 19/06/2023 08:49

I wouldn't contact my DC for a query of this kind it isn't urgent. You are placing a burden on him he obviously doesn't want.

Eldest here is 15 only brings his phone to school. When they are with their dad I contact their dad if urgent otherwise it waits.

I'm delighted my children aren't attached to phones , I take that as the win.