to insist my son uses his phone

[callmeson]

My son is going into year 7 and will start taking the bus in Sept so I just got him his first phone for his birthday.

He goes to his dad's a lot too and I like the idea of being able to keep in touch when needed. I rarely contact with him when he's with his dad but maybe once every couple of days to say hi, or if anything comes up that I need to ask him.

I bought the phone and pay the bills. His dad doesn't work so doesn't pay any child support.

My ex and I have an awful relationship (he cheated on me many many times) so it's great not to have to go through him to contact my boy.

The problem is, my son never seems to have his phone with him (or it's on silent) when he's with his dad. I needed to ask him something important his weekend and no reply. I asked his dad on Saturday to ensure he checked his phone and reply to the message, and no reply from either them them the whole weekend.

I try to remind him whenever he heads out, to keep an eye on his phone.

He'll be home this morning and I'm quite angry, honestly. I'm not a shouty parent at all, and I know he's not used to having a phone (he's had it about a month) but I'm really annoyed that he's not checking the phone at all.

I do realise it's his dad's time with him and I don't want to get in the way of that, but the purpose of the phone is to make communication much easier, when I do need something, particularly as he's sometimes gone for a whole week.

Firstly, despite your protests, this come across as really overbearing. Secondly, if you want him to learn it just let him learn it rather than forcing it on him.

I completely get this as well and don't see why you're having such a hard time here.

Just because my DC is with their dad, doesn't mean they stop being my DC and I don't want to contact them for days on end. Like your example above, arranging play dates and sleepovers. Or checking to make sure they have house keys, school stuff they need etc.

This level of communication is not putting pressure on your DC and doesn't need his father as a go between. Having bought him a phone, I would expect him to check it periodically, maybe once or twice throughout the day.

My DC has a phone as of recently too and I love being able to drop a text and ask how their day has been, tell them I love them etc.

I'm really sorry but our 13 is the exact same they don't watch there phones. If he at grandparents he will rarely reply because he is always busy doing something fun with his grandad or cousins. I dont bother him if I don't need to tbh

people managed ok when kids went to dads before phones.

Anything urgent phone dad.

Before next visit to dad's, have a conversation with your son about the phone. Assure him you will only contact him for genuine emergencies - and you must keep to this. While your son is with his father you need to leave him alone, completely. Any friend or homework arrangements can wait until his return. Do not use things as an excuse to attempt to contact him, it's his and his dad's time, not your's. You need to train yourself to enjoy your time while your son is away, in the knowledge that his father is in charge and has full responsibility.

Surely in a genuine emergency if you call and he doesn’t answer you’d just call the dad?

I wouldn't be angry with him, but if you bought it so he could stay in touch with you and he is not doing so then I think it would be reasonable to withdraw it and try again in September.

Oh no, I see it was a birthday present so you can't take it back.

Couldn't disagree with this more. Since when does a child's time with their father mean they're no longer your child and you can only contact them in an emergency? What utter tripe, apologies @Murdoch1949 but this is total bull. My DC is my DC 24/7 and I will contact them when I like, whether it's a simple 'I love you' call or an actual emergency.

And some things are time sensitive... if a Mum wants to arrange a sleepover with me, but I can't confirm for 2 days because DC is at their fathers, and that's too late for the Mum to make plans then and my DC miss out... who looses there? And don't just say go through their father... there are incredibly valid reasons why at 12, you would hope not to have to go through and abusive father for these 'non emergencies'. Wise up a bit

A teenager that doesn’t need surgically removing from their phone sounds like a dream

That does not mean a child wants to be in contact with you (in a general sense sense you) at 12 or older

@WandaWonder in my own case, my DC do want to be in contact with me thankfully. Maybe not the case for everyone, but my DC love being able to contact me directly.

Does he have a device he does use regularly? I chat with DC on kid messenger on their tablets.

It does sound like you're trying to use the phone to one-up his dad and invade their contact time.

How many emergencies do you have that you need to contact your 11 year old for?

We had this for years with my nephew's dad! He's take all our number out his phone and prank call or send nasty messages. Hed take the phone off him or turn it off so we couldn't contact him. The purpose was a court order I'd he wanted to come home early. Judge went mad at this so then he started diverting the calls and text from nephew's phone to his own. So nephew couldn't answer ect. Just accept that if you ex is toxic contact won't happen with your son. It horrible for the kids. Nephew was so embarrassed and got a hard time if we contacted in the end so he just ignored it to save getting hassle. Xx

It’s not his fault you and his father can’t co-parent. Leave the kid be.

Be glad he’s not bullying people on Tick tock to be honest, I’d rather have a technophobe child than an 11 year old who’d watched horrific porn (according to our school newsletter it’s happening).

Honestly, when he is in Y7 he will start becoming glued to his phone. This is not a problem that will continue.

If my DD16 is out I ask her to send her dad and me and occasional yes I'm still alive WhatsApp but because her phone has to be on silent at school she quite often forgets to put notifications back on and the thing goes unanswered. So frustrating.

I think you need to let your son figure it out for himself. For your play date example, if he doesn’t get back to you then tell the other Mum that he can’t come this time. If your son asks why, then explain that it’s a consequence of not answering on time.

But if he doesn’t check his phone, how is OP going to get hold of him when & if she really needs to when he’s travelling home from school on his own and needs to tell him something important or to tell him to meet her somewhere because something has changed etc. OP is trying to get him used to checking his phone! This pile on is totally unnecessary

What an unnecessarily nasty thing to say! Reported

I don't know if it's just a boy thing when they're that age. Daughter is 12 and constantly keeps in contact sending texts and little gifs etc. Son is 11 and completely ignores my messages. He was away camping with dad and uncles this weekend I sent a text each day saying hey, hope youre having fun! Love you - ignored. But he did forward me a funny tiktok 🙃 they pick and choose when they want to use it. He will use it to ask me if he can stay out later or get more money.. But can't answer a text I send. Pick your battles. If there was an emergency him or his dad would contact you, and if you had a genuine emergency at home you would contact them in whatever way you needed to.

I have a 10yo who now has a phone, he travels independently to school and back as well as to his dads, and after school activities.

Honestly, he never has it with him unless he's travelling to and from school, even then he sometimes forgets to charge it.

In some ways I'm happy that it's not glued to him,

I think you need to just continue life as though he doesn't have a phone until it becomes a part of his life fully.

The only time he ever uses it is if he thinks of something he needs or has a question. He hasn't yet made the connection of it being a two way communication.

Dear lord some of these comments!! It's not the OP that comes across as overbearing, it's majority of the people on this post! Typical 'let's pick at a corpse' bunch of scavengers, who get off by berating people on the internet who come on this forum to vent, look for support, or seek advice. If you don't like something someone is posting and can't be constructive, move on! Scroll onto something else.

OP I don't think YABU to expect a 12 y/o to check his phone a couple of times a day, especially given the reason behind it. If you state the communication between yourself and your ex is unpleasant, there is no harm in contacting your son directly. He is old enough to get in the habit of checking a couple of times a day, or at least keeping it on loud. It will also teach him the responsibility of looking after such an accessory.

Unfortunately, people do have feelings, you don't become dead inside or as a person once you have children, and you are entitled to be upset as an individual. It's probably best all round that you're able to contact your son and not your ex, as it sounds the relationship between you both is very strained. That can't be pleasant for any of you.

I can understand your frustration and upset, we ALL get frustrated with our children! Especially when we have to repeatedly ask them the same thing over and over again. I'm sure now you've vented a bit, you'll come up with a way to speak to him and handle things less hot headed. God knows my boys drive me to distraction when I constantly have to ask them the same things over again. Maybe it's a boy thing. Don't be hard on yourself for your frustrations, it's a normal, human reaction.

The fact you're concerned about this topic, not just assuming you're correct, tells many a lot about your parenting.