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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to insist my son uses his phone

67 replies

callmeson · 19/06/2023 06:33

My son is going into year 7 and will start taking the bus in Sept so I just got him his first phone for his birthday.

He goes to his dad's a lot too and I like the idea of being able to keep in touch when needed. I rarely contact with him when he's with his dad but maybe once every couple of days to say hi, or if anything comes up that I need to ask him.

I bought the phone and pay the bills. His dad doesn't work so doesn't pay any child support.

My ex and I have an awful relationship (he cheated on me many many times) so it's great not to have to go through him to contact my boy.

The problem is, my son never seems to have his phone with him (or it's on silent) when he's with his dad. I needed to ask him something important his weekend and no reply. I asked his dad on Saturday to ensure he checked his phone and reply to the message, and no reply from either them them the whole weekend.

I try to remind him whenever he heads out, to keep an eye on his phone.

He'll be home this morning and I'm quite angry, honestly. I'm not a shouty parent at all, and I know he's not used to having a phone (he's had it about a month) but I'm really annoyed that he's not checking the phone at all.

I do realise it's his dad's time with him and I don't want to get in the way of that, but the purpose of the phone is to make communication much easier, when I do need something, particularly as he's sometimes gone for a whole week.

OP posts:

CindersAgain · 20/06/2023 11:53

lljkk · 19/06/2023 08:37

I can't get my 80yo father to learn to pick up messages I send him.

I often miss messages on my phone, DC consider me hopeless.

I am baffled at people who pick up every msg quickly. Are you every 5 minutes unlocking your phone & checking every single app (Messenger, texts, Twitter, Insta, Snapchat, personal emails, private emails, WhatsApp, Facebook groups...) to see if someone said something to you?

I dunno, as long as you know he's safe, I am leaning towards YABU. Let him be a kid.

For me:

Unlocking my phone - involves picking it up (most people have face or thumb print unlocking these days?)
And I get a vibration on the apps I care about (texts and phone calls), but I spend quite a lot of time where I’m on my phone organising other stuff where I’ll see a WhatsApp notification as I’m on my phone anyway. I don’t have Instagram notifications on but some people do.

BelindaBears · 20/06/2023 11:53

Why is everyone saying he’s 12 when the OP says he’s going to start Y7 (so is currently in Y6 i.e. primary school and has just had his birthday so is only just 11? I think it’s asking a lot of a just turned 11 year who has for his life so far been used to all communication going through adults to suddenly switch to having his phone with him all the time and checking it regularly.

Seeline · 20/06/2023 12:00

Mine are late teens/20s and rarely detached from their phones. Do they respond to messages from me? No.
Do they use it when they have a problem etc absolutely yes. That's what it is there for. They have always been the same since having first phones.
Yes it can be annoying, but kids are fairly self-centred and don't see things from other peoples perspectives. It's how their brains are wired.

MamaBear4ever · 20/06/2023 15:15

My son is in year 7 and other than watching YouTube videos on it he has no interest in checking for messages. If he wants to message us / call us he knows how to use it. I have the Google link app so can see where he is on the odd occasion he is out without us. Some kids like phones some don't or can't be bothered with them

GoodChat · 20/06/2023 19:31

BelindaBears · 20/06/2023 11:53

Because the first response said 12 so everyone else just followed suit. It happens a lot.

FlapSnacks · 21/06/2023 07:53

Would you be happy for son to be expected to have phone and be contacted by his dad while he’s in your care in the same way?

its his time with his dad and to contact him like this is encroaching. I say this as a parent to children who’s dad moved abroad and only sees them 3 times a year and sometimes during term time and it all goes to hell in terms of if they did hw etc

CM1897 · 21/06/2023 12:43

callmeson · 19/06/2023 06:58

The thing is, I’m like the least overbearing parent in the world (honestly). It’s more about being frustrated that he’s kind of discarded it and isn’t getting into the habit of checking it. I feel like it’s a new level of responsibility that he should be learning.

Maybe that’s a good thing. I’m conflicted in it to be honest (precisely because he’s really independent and I’m not generally overbearing in any way, so this is new for both of us), but I felt like he was old enough for me to be able to contact him directly. When his friends come over, they’ve all already got phones and their parents would always contact them, rather than me, about pick up times etc, or just to say hi.

Show quote history

Not everyone wants to have a phone or likes to have a phone. Be happy he isn’t sat staring at it all day like other kids are. He has plenty of time for that in the future. If it’s an emergency message his dad, if it’s not an emergency wait til he’s back.

my 12 year old has 50/50 shared care with me and her father and I barely hear from her while she is with him and he barely hears from her when she is at mine. She’s just too busy living life, out with friends etc. I just think it’s because she’s secure enough with us to know we don’t need to have constant contact

SStarlet · 21/06/2023 14:01

Sounds to me like it's a new thing and your expectations and his expectations are different. It's probably a good idea to have a chat about it and see what he's thinking and share what you're thinking.

If you're trying to make plans for the following week, I can understand why it's frustrating because if he's at home you'd just ask him, but now he's got his phone you're thinking you can still ask him, but it's easy to feel ignored if he doesn't respond. Before the phone you'd not have asked and not felt ignored, you'd have just accepted the situation or made your best judgement without asking.

Maybe you've got to accept the phone isn't going to solve this for you and you'll have to carry on as you were before - I know that might be a bit hard to hear.

Cooperpops · 21/06/2023 20:19

Just a thought, but is it possible he’s not on the phone because Dad is giving him bother about it? My ex is a horrible person (very controlling and speaks awfully about me to my daughter) and she doesn’t get her phone out when she’s at her dads as he always feels the need to comment which upsets her. ‘Oh mum checking up on us again is she’ ‘what does she want now’ ‘turn your phone off so she only sees one tick on the message delivery, that’ll wind her up’ ‘tell mum you’re with your blood family’ (he’s an absolute d*ck and will say all sorts knowing full well the effect it can have on her but doesn’t care, as long as he’s making a comment) it makes my daughter extremely uncomfortable. In the end I decided not to try and communicate with her when she was at dads to avoid her being upset x

2jacqi · 22/06/2023 08:36

for goodness sake.!! stop hounding the poor lad! I dont check my phone continuously. I dont get notifications and if people are that determined to contact me they can phone!!!! Not message!! It isnt an emergency if you only send a message!!

Nussbaum · 22/06/2023 08:45

You sound domineering. Why do you want to harass him when he's with his dad?
If I were your son, I would be making sure that phone was lost.

Lifecanbebeautiful12 · 22/06/2023 11:53

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Your son is only in year 7, I actually think it’s odd that you wouldn’t speak to him everyday whilst he’s at his dad’s. Is the mum/dad not allowed to speak to their child on days when they’re with their other parent?! I also think it’s strange that his Dad wouldn’t reply to your messages the whole weekend either, it’s perfectly reasonable for a mother to want some contact with her young child and it doesn’t sound like you’re being overbearing in wanting constant contact etc.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 22/06/2023 12:42

Just to throw another in there, have you asked if dad is removing the phone from him given you messaged him and no response from either?

Libra24 · 22/06/2023 18:32

The reason you like the idea of phone at dad's might be the reason dc doesn't.
Dad might not like it or maybe dc already has a sense that this will be something that is disruptive to either relationship. He doesn't want dad asking what you are talking about etc. Dc might like the degree of separation if your relationship is strained.
If it makes you feel less like you're being ignored keep the phone at home when he goes. Then you aren't going to get your knickers in a twist over your son not texting you back.

Copasetic · 23/06/2023 07:46

You won’t get this to change at all until he wants to communicate with friends. My son (now year 7) started out with no interest in his phone. It was bought prior to year 7 because he trains every night and we wanted him to be able to ring us if there was a problem. Once he started year 7 he has lots of friends contacting him via many different social medias and contacting him isn’t an issue. If I had told him to check his phone regularly I’m sure it would have made no impact, in the same way as many other things I might ask him to do (but don’t follow up on) might get forgotten. I’d just leave it personally because I would imagine during year 7 things will change.

Copasetic · 23/06/2023 07:49

BelindaBears · 20/06/2023 11:53

I was a little confused how he could be 12 too and I totally agree with you. I think most kids are like this when they first get a mobile phone but unfortunately they get more and more hooked (as I am!) as time goes on.

Singlemumtoboy · 23/06/2023 14:32

Im sorry but for the people saying, he is with his dad, leave him alone??? We don’t stop being parents when our kids aren’t with us. When my son goes to his dads, we always text each other the odd message during the day/ night to say hey, and also to say our normal “night love you have a good sleep” and then a good morning text. He does same with his dad when with me. It’s not seen as “overbearing” for any of us, to me is normal communication for parents of children. As he gets older this may reduce but he is 12 and has a good relationship with us both.

If I text and wasn’t getting any responses I would be annoyed at him. There has been the odd instance but next time we talked he would explain he was busy and that’s fine. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a wee chat with your son and explain. You aren’t asking him to be glued to his phone but just a wee check in!

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