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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - thinking of sending my 12 year old to live elsewhere.

70 replies

JoanneH12 · 19/06/2023 01:04

My daughters (12) behaviour is becoming more and more disruptive. She has diagnosis of ODD and ADHD. She also has epilepsy, chronic lung disease and some problems with her hips which affect mobility.

Her behaviour has always been challenging for as long as I can remember however we are now at a point where she throws things at me (furniture, cups, plates), if I ask her to do the simplest of tasks she will scream along the lines of "go and fucking kill yourself you fat cunt", "jump off a fucking bridge you stupid slag" etc. If I am sat next to her she will say things like "go and brush your fucking teeth", "ew when was the last time you had a bath". She is the same with her older sister (13). She is often apologetic after the events and seems remorseful.

She has had every kind of therapy you can think of, she has had assessments with mental health teams and psychiatrists who all report 'she has very little understanding'. We have done counselling and family therapy. I give her consequences for her behaviour but nothing seems to make a difference. I am being told by friends that I need to consider the impact she is having on the household and on my other children.

I am struggling with my own mental health and feel like I can't take anymore. Home is supposed to be your 'safe space' and it feels anything but. Living with her dad is not an option right now unfortunately. AIBU?

OP posts:
Alex Drake · 19/06/2023 01:14

YANBU in feeling that the current situation is unsustainable but you need to engage with your GP and SS to get a plan in place for your daughter. What help do you currently receive? Is she in mainstream school?
She is 12 yrs old, a child, she has significant needs by the sound of things. She needs you, and her family. You also need support though to be able to be there for her. I hope that you can get that x

UndercoverCop · 19/06/2023 01:24

A family member of mine works in a residential school, some children board weekdays, some term time, some more or less constantly. They all have significant needs. Maybe something like this could work for your family? The provision seems to be excellent which is good for the build and the element of respite for the rest of the family can only be a good thing for time spent together. This is assuming she has an echp?

UndercoverCop · 19/06/2023 01:25

*for the child

francesthebadger · 19/06/2023 02:12

Sorry to hear this Op. Sounds like life is tough for all of you.

With all those diagnoses could she have been traumatised?

If you haven't already looked at PACE that might be worth a go? Kim Golding has an excellent book.

Have you had any therapeutic support yourself?

Yiayi · 19/06/2023 04:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cellotapedispenser · 19/06/2023 04:50

You have all my sympathy. I'm living with similar situation, albeit mine is younger and doesn't have the physical illnesses. I am very worried I'll need to send mine away once he's big enough to overpower me. What you wrote about home is meant to be a safe space really resonates with me. For those that don't live with an explosive aggressive, violent, pda child it's probably veru difficult to imagine just how mentally and physically stressful it is.

OP I would definitely look into week time residency to give you all some respite and your other dc some semblance of normality. If our experience is anything to go by you may struggle to get a place via the local council even with an ehcp so I'd start sooner rather than later.

OhcantthInkofaname · 19/06/2023 05:02

Your home isn't a safe place for anyone right now. She needs to go elsewhere.

GottaGirlcrush · 19/06/2023 05:03

Where though? Where do you send kids like this?

I would think a residential setting would be difficult to access?

Cubsandmiel · 19/06/2023 05:09

Is she medicated?

Does she have an EHCP?

Does she have a social worker?

Have you had a social care assessment in your own right as her carer?

Equalitea · 19/06/2023 07:39

I think that your friends are right, you have to consider the impact on the rest of the household.
is DD at a specialist school? Does she have an ehcp? Any social services involvement?

daisychain01 · 19/06/2023 07:43

Where is your DD picking up that dreadful language from at her age? Shocking. Hopefully she doesn't have an internet enabled mobile or uncontrolled access to the internet via a computer. If she does, do please take it all away from her at the moment, it's really harmful to her with her MH conditions.

Donotshushme · 19/06/2023 09:35

Is she on medication for the ADHD? One of the hallmarks is impulsive behaviour which leads to a flash of anger and then more or less immediate regret. If this is down to her adhd then it's unlikely she actually has much control over it. I've been much better since i started taking adhd meds.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/06/2023 09:39

You have to keep your other children safe. You say dad isn’t an option, does she see him at all?

KR2023 · 19/06/2023 09:51

daisychain01 · 19/06/2023 07:43

Where is your DD picking up that dreadful language from at her age? Shocking. Hopefully she doesn't have an internet enabled mobile or uncontrolled access to the internet via a computer. If she does, do please take it all away from her at the moment, it's really harmful to her with her MH conditions.

She is 12, probably going to secondary school. Not 5 in primary.

In the school I worked at I would go past boys talking about anal sex in year 7, so aged 11. Her language is not out of the ordinary unfortunately.

Kids talk like that these days. It is dreadful yes, but "normal" sadly.

CwmYoy · 19/06/2023 09:52

You have to safeguard your other children and your mental health.

You've reached the end of the line for now.

wildfirewonder · 19/06/2023 09:54

daisychain01 · 19/06/2023 07:43

Where is your DD picking up that dreadful language from at her age? Shocking. Hopefully she doesn't have an internet enabled mobile or uncontrolled access to the internet via a computer. If she does, do please take it all away from her at the moment, it's really harmful to her with her MH conditions.

What? People talked like this in school when I was a child (I went to both private and state, the language was no different and people were unpleasant at both).

Quitelikeit · 19/06/2023 09:57

Where do you plan to send her?

This sounds awful

She’s not bothered about losing her devices then? Does she have friends?

may I ask how she has chronic lung disease at such a young age?

Mamai90 · 19/06/2023 09:58

daisychain01 · 19/06/2023 07:43

Where is your DD picking up that dreadful language from at her age? Shocking. Hopefully she doesn't have an internet enabled mobile or uncontrolled access to the internet via a computer. If she does, do please take it all away from her at the moment, it's really harmful to her with her MH conditions.

My friends DS is 9 and he uses similar language. Children are exposed to it at school from quite a young age.

x2boys · 19/06/2023 09:59

Where are you thinking of sending her?
Getting a place,in a residential school is not a simple process and can take time and everyone would have to agree it's in her best interests and ,you would need the school.itself o.agree it can meet her needs.

x2boys · 19/06/2023 10:01

GottaGirlcrush · 19/06/2023 05:03

Where though? Where do you send kids like this?

I would think a residential setting would be difficult to access?

They are it's not the simple process posters on here seem to imagine .

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/06/2023 10:01

Quitelikeit · Today 09:57
Where do you plan to send her?

This sounds awful

She’s not bothered about losing her devices then? Does she have friends?

may I ask how she has chronic lung disease at such a young age?”

You don’t seem to understand how extremely challenging OP’s daughter is and how difficult for OP and the rest of her family.

Perhaps read her posts again. Many young people have lung disease.

x2boys · 19/06/2023 10:02

OhcantthInkofaname · 19/06/2023 05:02

Your home isn't a safe place for anyone right now. She needs to go elsewhere.

Where would you suggest?

bellsbuss · 19/06/2023 10:04

If you go down the residential route then ask for a full time place straight away then you can pick and choose how often home visits are. If you ask for term time only or Monday to Friday it's almost impossible to get it changed.

MathsNervous · 19/06/2023 10:08

KR2023 · 19/06/2023 09:51

She is 12, probably going to secondary school. Not 5 in primary.

In the school I worked at I would go past boys talking about anal sex in year 7, so aged 11. Her language is not out of the ordinary unfortunately.

Kids talk like that these days. It is dreadful yes, but "normal" sadly.

Show quote history

I agree, this type of language can regularly be heard in local primary schools from children as young as 5/6. It's really not that uncommon.

OP please consider residential even if only for respite care so your other family members including yourself can get a break.

It's okay to admit it's getting too much and you feel overwhelmed. It's a sign of strength to have awareness of this. 💐

3WildOnes · 19/06/2023 10:09

Where are you planning on sending her? Can you afford to fund a residential placement? Would the LA fund a residential placement?