AIBU - thinking of sending my 12 year old to live elsewhere.

[JoanneH12]

My daughters (12) behaviour is becoming more and more disruptive. She has diagnosis of ODD and ADHD. She also has epilepsy, chronic lung disease and some problems with her hips which affect mobility.

Her behaviour has always been challenging for as long as I can remember however we are now at a point where she throws things at me (furniture, cups, plates), if I ask her to do the simplest of tasks she will scream along the lines of "go and fucking kill yourself you fat cunt", "jump off a fucking bridge you stupid slag" etc. If I am sat next to her she will say things like "go and brush your fucking teeth", "ew when was the last time you had a bath". She is the same with her older sister (13). She is often apologetic after the events and seems remorseful.

She has had every kind of therapy you can think of, she has had assessments with mental health teams and psychiatrists who all report 'she has very little understanding'. We have done counselling and family therapy. I give her consequences for her behaviour but nothing seems to make a difference. I am being told by friends that I need to consider the impact she is having on the household and on my other children.

I am struggling with my own mental health and feel like I can't take anymore. Home is supposed to be your 'safe space' and it feels anything but. Living with her dad is not an option right now unfortunately. AIBU?

You have my sympathy OP. I'm the parent of an ASD, ADHD, PDA teen and life is extremely difficult.

Barnardos do run parent support sessions for those with ADHD. They might not have any real solutions but being able to talk to people who really do understand and meet parents experiencing the same difficulties, can be helpful.

You could also contact your GP so the behaviour is officially recorded. Early Help through your County Council may also be able to offer some support.

Unfortunately, finding a residential school or respite through finding foster care or something similar, is pretty much impossible. The comments on here suggesting you can just ask for help like that and actually receive it are so far off the mark I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

If a parent is abusive towards their child then they may well be removed from their care. However, a child can abuse their parents and siblings and there is very little done. When the abusive relationship is child to parent no one bothers to help.

This is a good example of why posting in AIBU has its limitations.

If tech helps her with her emotional regulation, as it does for may neurodiverse young people, obviously do not remove it.

She has had every kind of therapy you can think of, she has had assessments with mental health teams and psychiatrists who all report 'she has very little understanding'

What does the last bit mean, OP? Understanding of what?

Residential school could be a good option, cheaper than specialist fostering, so speak to your gp, social services etc and explain you are at the end of your tether and unless they do something eg placement during term time you are close to wanting to leave her at social services offices, you may need to really pile it on as they will resist

Maybe op can't afford it?

I assume they aren't free

And social services definitely can't afford it!

@x2boys

They can arrange it but it takes a huge amount of pushing from the parent(s) they will try everything to dissuade you. I know two young people who went to residential school for very similar diagnosis, took a lot including taking child to a&e and refusing to take home in one case and the police were involved i the other due to the autistic child hurting their siblings

If the opthat then the child would e placed where There is a place ,foster ,care ,children's homes ect ,it's not a simple matter of asking for a residential school,there needs I assessment,s it has to be agreed by everyone omits in the child's rainforests and most of al! the LEA HAVE to.agree to fund it all of which takes time
there are thousands of struggling families all over the UK and very limited resources

Child's best interests*

@daisychain01 can you imagine that where your child picked up the choice swears aren't your focus when there are pieces of furniture flying towards you? For some people this situation is not shocking to hear about, because they are living with it every day with no end in sight and if turning off the wifi was the simple answer I'm sure OP would be all over it.

Asthma

Allergies

M friends son is in one I think she said £19,000 a week ,so yeah,to get a place there needs to be extremely high needs

I know they can but it's not a simple matter of just asking for one and the LEA HAVE to agree tio.ffund it.
I also know if a young man in one and even when it got to crisis point and it was agreed he could have a residential school place it took nearly a year to find a suitable school,.

They learn it in school. Like COVID or nits it's "contagious" you only need one of the little darlings to have learned it and it gets passed round and down the year groups.

It's also very common to be sworn at by neurodivergent kids as they have greater difficulties with impulse control and their emotions are very strong without the emotional maturity to handle them.

My friend teaches in private school and was not at all shocked by dc's language in meltdowns. Pretty similar to op's kid's language.

Yes we are working on it but it takes time. Strategies used for NT kids don't always work on Nd kids.

Managing their emotions, keeping them hydrated and well fed, not too hot or cold, and managing the demands put on them goes some way towards reducing meltdowns. Learning their particular triggers also helps. As does regular OT to calm them down. Still going to get meltdowns though.

I've had stuff chucked at me and been pushed about. Luckily not furniture but threatened with it.

I find wrestling, trying to tickle
sometimes diffuses the anger if they are not too far gone.

Sending upstairs to calm down with phone works too.

sanctions that can be earned back by good behaviour. (Going upstairs and using phone usually)

A 12 year old will have learnt pretty well every swear word there is and probably known most of them since they were 7. They pick them up pretty well everywhere and pass them around at school. My DC learnt most of them in the vestry of the cathedral where they were choristers as the older children used them pretty freely when there were no adults in earshot.

OP I'm so sorry your having such a rough time - definately see if you have a Barnardos group or similar nearby as a bit of emotional support for you. It won't make home life any easier but being able to talk to sympathetic people who understand - not necessarily in evidence on AIBU - is important.

School was always full.of bad language. In my father's day it was bad language and violence, same when I was at school.

Hi OP, I had similar from my daughter at that age. Different diagnosis though: ASD and OCD, PDA... there was violence and verbal abuse daily. She didn't dog to school for 18 months. It was horrific.

Social services were worse than useless, even though DDs younger sibling was suffering, too.
What eventually helped was being referred to specialist child psychiatrist who prescribed anti-psychotic medication (Risperidone) as well as upping her dose of ADs (Sertraline). Antipsychotics are often prescribed for non NT youngsters who are behaving badly. The difference was amazing, and quick. She went back to school, too (eventually... after COVID!)

Is your DD on any medication, or under CAMHS? Ask them about this. If not ask your GP.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's a nightmare... there will be better days ahead though.

That sounds really tough op and I think it's ok for you to say you can't manage this all on your own. I don't have enough experience of what support/help might be available for you but please do seek some help.

@GottaGirlcrush · Today 13:17

Beautiful3 · Today 12:42

"Ask social services about funding for a residential school. My niece and nephew goes to one, and it gives their parents a break."

"Maybe op can't afford it?

I assume they aren't free"

The councils funded it, in both cases. But you have to discuss with a social worker, and the school before applying for a grant.

You have to.do.rather more than that
It's not a simple case of asking social services for a residential school place and them,magically finding a suitable place
It has to be deemed by all to be in the best interest of the child ,and funding has to be agreed by the LEA(sometimes social.care too) funding is ££££_s so many LEA,s are understandably reluctant to agree to it
Then a suitable school has to be found which can be many miles from a child's home
All of this can take a long time