AIBU - thinking of sending my 12 year old to live elsewhere.

[JoanneH12]

My daughters (12) behaviour is becoming more and more disruptive. She has diagnosis of ODD and ADHD. She also has epilepsy, chronic lung disease and some problems with her hips which affect mobility.

Her behaviour has always been challenging for as long as I can remember however we are now at a point where she throws things at me (furniture, cups, plates), if I ask her to do the simplest of tasks she will scream along the lines of "go and fucking kill yourself you fat cunt", "jump off a fucking bridge you stupid slag" etc. If I am sat next to her she will say things like "go and brush your fucking teeth", "ew when was the last time you had a bath". She is the same with her older sister (13). She is often apologetic after the events and seems remorseful.

She has had every kind of therapy you can think of, she has had assessments with mental health teams and psychiatrists who all report 'she has very little understanding'. We have done counselling and family therapy. I give her consequences for her behaviour but nothing seems to make a difference. I am being told by friends that I need to consider the impact she is having on the household and on my other children.

I am struggling with my own mental health and feel like I can't take anymore. Home is supposed to be your 'safe space' and it feels anything but. Living with her dad is not an option right now unfortunately. AIBU?

Residential would be a good start.

It's not as simple as just considering a residential option ,it would have to be agreed by all concerned that it's in the Op,s daughters best interest ,the LEA ,would then have o agree to fund,it and then a suitable school would then have to be found and agree it could meet 'her needs .

Because of course it's just that simple?

It sounds very difficult. I'm no expert but I'd very surprised if a local authority would provide residential care. To be really honest I've heard of children whose behaviour is far more challenging than this getting no help. I don't think it's quite as simple as booking her into a lovely residential home.

Is she physically violent op or is it just verbal?

It isn't ,which is why there types of threads infuriate me ,there are residential school,s but it can often be a lengthy costly process
You can't just rock up to them and book your child in.

We have ocd and adhd in our family - did you know Tourette’s is on the same spectrum? Could she have Tourette’s?
I am sorry you are going through this. You have to do what you think is best for your family.

Oh sorry, just re read...she throws things at you.

Do you actually have anywhere to send her? A relative?

Where do you intend to send her?

She's TWELVE. The vast majority of 12yos know this language - most however are able to control outbursts.

OP you have my sympathies. I have a 12yo DD with ASD and am regularly called a cunt, hit and kicked etc. Like your DD she is usually remorseful afterwards. Nobody would believe it tbh as she travels independently to school, is academic, has friends etc etc...it just goes to show how extreme behaviour can be at home. Luckily we have no other children to consider.

I don't really know what the answer is but just wanted to let you know you're not alone

Where will she go?

I would definitely be approaching SS regarding respite services. Not easy to come by in many areas I know. This must be horrific for you all and I completely empathise with your current situation. To be a parent to AN children is the toughest job in the world. You're right, home should be your safe space.

Insensitive naive comment. Obviously you don’t have any children the same age or if you do you keep them locked up inside and don’t send them to school.
seems like you’re trying to guilt and blame OP for this awful situation she’s in. Glad your life and your children are perfect In every way. Give yourself a medal 🏅

Oh dont be so handwringy, It isn't insensitive or naive to point out that at 12 yo that child is using language that must have come from somewhere and needs to be stopped - stating that if it's coming from exposure to uncontrolled Internet access it needs to be taken away for that child's sake and the sake of the siblings. That's my opinion, its what I would do and surely the OP is posting their scenario warts and all to get different input not some echo chamber. If this case ends up being handled by SS, they won't hold back in asking all the salient questions including exposure to inappropriate Internet access to have the complete picture of the child's life.

And I'd love to know where in my post I said the OP was being a bad parent or pointed the finger. Nowhere. But my opinion is that a 12yo child is picking up bad language and hurling it at her mother which is shocking and sad.

I highly doubt social services will be shocked that a 12 year old has said the f word. I also highly doubt they will go through their internet history to discover where they learnt the word!

It isn't just the f word though is it. How ridiculous. Its that child's behaviour. But clearly a child of 12 calling their mother an f'ing cU next Tuesday isn't that bad so it's not worth me bothering to say any more.

The child has been diagnosed with ODD and ADHD...that is the reason for their behaviour...not the internet. Your view is very old fashioned to be honest.

@daisychain01

Where is your DD picking up that dreadful language from at her age?

It will be school - it is brutal now.

My dc regularly hear language like that at school. They don't repeat it at home but that's because they don't have the difficulties & challenges the OP's daughter has. The internet isn't to blame for everything,and neither are parents.

She's 12! My DS is the same age and knows this language too - and worse. All from school unfortunately. I doubt the op is walking round the house shouting language like this, her DD will have got it from school.

Sorry op this sounds so, so hard.

No, please do say more. As I posted, my 12yo DD with ASD also calls me a cunt. Obviously I would prefer that she didn't. Can you impart your wisdom on how to deal with it? (taking into account of course that her brain doesn't work like a neurotypical child's brain)

@JoanneH12
sorry to hear of your difficulties,
I wonder if you might get more appropriate guidance on the Special Needs board for example SN children?
Obviously you can post wherever you wish and you may be well aware that AIBU can attract some quite firm opinions on both sides as it were.
just thought I’d mention it in case you aren’t aware.

Absolutely@Peacepudding .

MY DS (12) knows this language. And worse. The key thing is that he is NT and therefore gets (most of the time) that he cannot use it at his parents. That said, he still called his dad a moronic dickhead the other day, so . . . .

Things are different for the ND kids and teens. Honestly, it's not just a case of her being horrible for the sake of it or a sake of it, of if only someone gave her a stern talking to then she'd stop it.

Ask social services about funding for a residential school. My niece and nephew goes to one, and it gives their parents a break.

There's not how it works and it's not up.to social services to agree funding for a residential school ,that.can cost £££££,s