To be genuinely afraid of my future and spending it alone and dying alone?

[TumbleweedRolling]

I’ve never been in a relationship, I haven’t totally given up, but I’m not exactly imagining a future with a partner anymore.

I’m an only child, parents are pretty okey now, but getting older and it shows and they have become more needy.

And wathing them has made me so scared of my own future, I’ll be totally on my own once they are gone. I’ll have no support, fucking terrifying!

I don’t have much money, I’m not in a place to go and have a child on my own.

For the past year I’ve had horrid nightmares about my life and what will happen to me.

Tbh, I’m not totally sure what I’m looking for, I guess I just had to talk to someone.

It isn't really young though is it. It is almost 40.
Not being rude but just making the point that for both me and OP, we are not young women anymore so that's why we are concerned.

Lots of people who had a good social circle in their youth will end up in a similar circumstance in old age.

Women usually outlive their husbands.

DC move away, can't be bothered visiting, are too busy with their own families or are otherwise unavailable; care homes are full of parents with no visitors.

Maintaining friendships over distances can become harder as you get frailer.

It won't just be you in old age; you'll find many souls in the same situation.

Another endorsement for getting a dog- I wish I'd done that earlier as you get into so many conversations out and about.

And this why DH and I plan to move into an independent retirement community with step care when we get old. I’ve spent my fair of time in one with various old people and it’s great for them.

Community, activities, involvement, and when the time comes care in a familiar place. I’ve seen former a recluse thrive in this environment.

——-

But OP, you’re young and very far off of this option. You say you miss dogs. Go to the park and play with someone else’s dog…strike up a conversation. Trust me those with dogs will not find this odd.

Maybe get a part-time job to get out and meet people.

Volunteer

As an adult after a move to a new city, I used to grab a book or a newspaper (yes I’m a dinosaur) and head to the local bar/pub. Honestly great places to join into chat with an easy way to join a conversation.

Unfortunately the only way to meet people and form those relationships is to put yourself out there. It is scary (and trust me even the most outgoing person among us feels nervous from time to time), but there really isn’t a different way to do it.

No, it's not really young, but to those of us who are in our 60s/70s and facing this it is young. There is plenty of time to sort out the future at that age.

Almost 40... Which is young, and also an ideal time to be motivated to start future-proofing your health to the degree that is possible. There is no reason an average person of 37 or 40, for example, should be looking forward to a frail "old age" at 70, when there are so many lifestyle changes we are now aware of that are preventative of many of what were once considered the inevitable diseases of older age. Most people prefer to remain studiously unaware of such though.

A friend ofy family recently died. She was 97 and had no relatives just my aunt and a neighbour. I think she loved s good life and was looked after and not long. You can have all kinds of relationships in your life. My 80yo mother in law has a relatively new friend (2 years) she met while out walking her dog. The lady is a widow with no children but they've really hit it off and spend a lot of time together. You just don't know what the future might bring

I know what you’re saying, but I think others just mean there’s so much time left. I met my husband at 40. He came complete with step kids so now my life is incomparable to how it was at 37. So much can change.

Hi OP, how about volunteering for an animal charity seeing you like dogs? Volunteering regarding something you enjoy that has a task to it makes meeting people easier. You don't need to make small talk as you're all busy and distracted doing chores and caring for the animals. But you still get to know people

Join one of the "Tinder" sites but for friends, there are loads to choose from. Failing that look at rotary clubs or joining a golf or sailing club, and don't just do the activity, get talking to people, ask them out for coffee.

When I'm old I'm planning on moving to sheltered accom, it will be like student halls all over again!

And even if their kids live nearby they may not want to help. I bumped into a woman who was ill and she told me that her kids couldn't help out because they lived miles away - they actually only lived a mile up the road.

OP, do you work? And if so, from home or in an office? Work can provide social contact and a sense of identity.

But in 30 years time when the OP is my age she will look back at being 37 and wonder what she did with those 30 years. DO SOMETHING before it really is too late.

I feel exactly the same. I turned 40 this week. No prospect of children or a relationship and the future feels scary.

I’m in my 60s and widowed. For various reasons I lost all contact with friends. I have made a new group of friends locally through a Facebook group. We meet at least once a week and they were all in the same position as me. They are the loveliest kindest most genuine friends and I love them all. I’ve been on holiday with a few of them, and when one had to go into hospital unexpectedly we all chipped in to look after her pets, visit, prepare meals etc until she was well again.

Your situation is anything but unusual and will be more common as our population ages. Good friends can be made at any age. Go and make some! Good luck to you.

I understand. My husband is 11 years older than me - I am 62 and he will soon be 73. We have no children, not our choice - at least not originally! - and I do get anxious about the future. We are both fit and well at present but that could change so quickly.

I hope you're still following the thread OP.

Im a lot older than you and have experienced a lot of you have in terms of social anxiety and confidence. I have realised though that you only overcome these things if you chip away at them. Avoiding them just makes it worse. I've just become much better at trying to connect with people by just keeping on working at it. For example, I do a couple of fitness classes and just invited myself for coffee with the groups that already go. After a while if you're friendly and interested in others they include you in the group. Also I've done personal development groups which tend to be quite welcoming. And groups like theatre, cinema, walking groups are good bets.

I second volunteering too. Maybe don't worry if people are older or younger than you at first. Just making acquaintances is a really good confidence boost. I've explained to some people that I find social groups challenging and they can't believe it! Often people don't know you're struggling because they're more focused on themselves!!!

The only thing is that when you're in your 30s many people are caught up with family life and careers and don't have much time to make new friends.

That's why it's not a bad idea to broaden the age group at first and maybe make older or younger friends and build up confidence and the habit of connecting with others. Meet up is great for this.

I find that too. Most thirty somethings are busy with their partners or kids.
It's really hard when you feel you don't fit into any particular group. Very lonely.

Hi @TumbleweedRolling

I am in exactly the same position as you, just one year younger. I recently got into my very first relationship, so I definitely wouldn't write off finding a partner if that is what you would like.

I do still worry about the future though. I recently started a similar thread myself and received some helpful replies which you might find useful too: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4837422-growing-old-alone-possibly-seeking-some-advice-please

It is definitely tough being an only child, and although I know having siblings isn't any guarantee that they will be there for you, it does mean you have family and connection. Even just knowing they are out there somewhere must be a comfort!

Something I have been thinking about lately is whether I have any attributes that I have gained through being an only child that I might be able to use to my advantage. For example, I am very creative and artistic, which I think comes from spending a lot of time entertaining myself as a child. I am trying to see if I can think of ways to use my skills to make connections. I've thought of perhaps joining a local amateur theatre group which might be interested in having help with costumes / backdrops made for productions etc.

I have also been reading the following book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Essential-Retirement-Planning-Solo-Agers/dp/1633537684

It is American, so not everything is relevant but it does really go into a lot of useful detail on all the kind of topics which might be worrying you. It also has exercises which could be useful, especially in terms of looking at ways you might expand your social circle and contacts.

Good luck. Also if you would like to chat, do feel free to drop me a DM as I 100% understand where you are coming from and your concerns and worries.

I agree. There’s a coffee shop I go to daily—lots of regulars there.

A few months ago, a regular who’s about 81 stopped coming in. A few people asked around and two of us (we all met and became friends at the cafe; none of us knew about each other before we went there) went over to her house with her usual drink to check on her. Turns out she fell and had some swelling but nothing too serious. She’s back now!

Definitely a nice community (in the loose sense at least) I’d never expect I’d find.

How lovely of you ☺️

Old age is scary for a lot of people. I'm in my late 50's and it scares me to be honest.
However I can see that there are a lot of opportunities to build social groups as you get older and that these can lead to proper support groups. Simple things like the WI or walking groups or art groups. People can be less busy as they get older so are more receptive to new friendships.
I play a couple of sports where there are older people including single people and they seem very supportive of each other.

I'm not religious but maybe you are? Would a church be a good place to start.

Please consider volunteering, something you enjoy doing anyway. I am a volunteer dog walker for The Cinnamon Trust, a wonderful charity that helps elderly/disabled dog owners who are unable to exercise their dogs. You really don't have to commit to more than once a week and you're helping both the dogs and their owners.

I met my DH when I was 37, @TumbleweedRolling, so you're not out of the game yet. We had 25 wonderful years before he died.

I do contemplate a lonely future, fuckit, I'm often lonely now. But I volunteer, walk the dog, and of course see my DD.

The thing that made me catch my breath very soon after he died was that if I lived as long as my mother, I would spend more years without him than I did with him.

Quelle pisser.

Still all of this happened after the age you are now.