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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at my friend downplaying my sons autistic traits?

100 replies

DisgustedOfTidmouth · 17/06/2023 21:11

Bit of a rant tbh.

She's a ftm to a two year old, I have a five your old and a six month old.

Oldest was formally diagnosed with autism almost a year ago but it was pretty apparent for a long time before this.

But every time I mention something as being one of his typical autistic traits she has to jump in with "I think that's normal for kids to be honest", like she's some sort of parenting expert.

Some of it may be normal for much younger kids, but not five year olds.

(Todays conversation was about eating which she downplayed as him being a picky eater rather than him being highly selective with set parameters which determine whether or not he'll eat something - everything from the colour of the plate to what location he is in)

I've had years of comparing my son to both his autistic and non autistic peers (mainstream nursery, specialist support group). I know what is and isn't down to his autism.

But she seems determined to downplay every struggle he has as "just kids".

AIBU to be getting fed up with it?

OP posts:

Arched · 17/06/2023 21:12

I think you’re reasonable.

Is there any chance she’s trying to be reassuring but going about it the wrong way?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 17/06/2023 21:15

She’s probably trying to be reassuring but is getting it wrong. I’d let it go as long as it’s done with good intentions.

but yeah, I get it could be annoying.

Original poster

DisgustedOfTidmouth · 17/06/2023 21:24

To give a more in-depth explanation of today.
We were at a friends house for a barbecue.

I had brought a packed lunch for DS because of his food issues but he was refusing to eat a certain thing.

She was trying to encourage him.

I told her to leave it, it's something he would eat at home but because we weren't at home he'd obviously decided it wasn't a safe food - that he eats certain foods at nursery but won't touch them at home or granny's and vice versa.

The response "all kids are picky eaters".

She has no reason to try to be reassuring - as I said she's not a parenting expert in a professional capacity. Nor does she have any experience of autism, Her child is 2 and is clearly not autistic.

This is something I have years of experience of at this point. It's definitely not your standard picky eating.

OP posts:

JimnJoyce · 17/06/2023 21:24

I have a friend and a parent that do this. My DD is older than your child and recently diagnosed 4 months ago.
They think she has me 'wrapped around her little finger' and my parent makes me feel like a bad mum.
I honestly think they dont believe the diagnosis and there's no such thing as autism.

Newuser75 · 17/06/2023 21:24

Hmm, that would irritate me. Have you tried talking to her about it? I'm not very good with the comebacks but hopefully someone will suggest something!

Original poster

DisgustedOfTidmouth · 17/06/2023 21:29

Newuser75 · 17/06/2023 21:24

Hmm, that would irritate me. Have you tried talking to her about it? I'm not very good with the comebacks but hopefully someone will suggest something!

"Nope, definitely his autism. It was one of diagnostic criteria used by his paediatrician.

"ARFID and other food issues are common with kids on the spectrum".

OP posts:

Cracklecrack · 17/06/2023 21:43

YANBU. It may be well meaning but yeah it’s annoying and tone deaf.

my sons autistic and a good friend has said quite a few times “o you wouldn’t really know” . We meet up with kids every couple of months so she doesn’t spend looooads of time with him. Every time she says it it irks me. I just don’t think people get it and they don’t know what to say sometimes x

Hollyppp · 17/06/2023 21:48

This sounds mega annoying. She’s either unaware how irritating her ‘parenting expertise’ is or she’s trying to be reassuring and getting the tone wrong

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 17/06/2023 21:48

Winds me up too so I totally understand your frustration.

"Oh no the fact she has meltdowns where she rips her hair from her scalp if she wears it tied up is totally normal"

"Well she's playing in the playground totally fine" (yeah, on her own and she literally runs away if a kid approaches her)

"She's just shy"

"Well Johnny used to be just like that and look at him now"

"We never had autism in my day"

God, I could write a book!

Jibo · 17/06/2023 21:52

She may just think you're making too big a deal of your DS' condition, and/or unreasonably using it as an excuse.

jajajajaja · 17/06/2023 21:54

Just tell her that it's very annoying and somewhat weird that she keeps invalidating your DSs diagnosed autism. It's making her look ignorant and you'd really rather she stopped

Pointypointything · 17/06/2023 21:54

I definitely know what you mean and it is annoying. I think often people are well meaning in the sense that I've had several friends/family say 'oh yes, my D's did similar last week! They all have their moments'. What they fail to understand is that yes, all kids DO have moments, but with ND kids it's not occasional, it's all.the.bloody.time. On the flip side though now mine is older (8) I'm sometimes surprised at the behaviour of other kids their age - in the sense that if it was mine I'd have put it down th their ASD but it would appear that their peers aren't quite as well behaved as I might imagine 🤔

Lougle · 17/06/2023 21:58

"I told her to leave it, it's something he would eat at home but because we weren't at home he'd obviously decided it wasn't a safe food - that he eats certain foods at nursery but won't touch them at home or granny's and vice versa."

Tbh, I think this is where I've come to be at peace with giving bland explanations. E.g. When we were in Spain for a wedding, we had to meet the bride's family. DD2 has ASD and hates meeting new people. I just pushed her past them and said "Hi, I'm Lougle. This is DD1, and this is DD3. DD2 is over there but she's really shy. If you just leave her she'll warm to you as time goes on." I could have explained about her ASD, etc., etc., but it's better sometimes to explain in terms that can't be dissected.

In your situation I'd have said, "Oh don't worry, Sarah. I'll save it for later. He'll probably want it when we get home." You know why he's refusing, but she doesn't need to be given information she can pick apart.

ButtofaMonkey · 17/06/2023 22:00

You're not being unreasonable but speaking as the mum of 2 autistic teens, you probably need to figure out how you'll respond to ignorance and preachiness in the future. It won't ever go away, unfortunately.

greysockmissing · 17/06/2023 22:02

I have this. If I ever mention something my son struggles with or an adjustment we've made I get a lot of 'I think that's normal', 'mine does that too'. I've also had 'do you think you are just hyper aware?' In response to me saying my youngest was struggling.
Often said by parents with slightly quirky kids!
It's tiring. My children have EHCPs, 1:1s etc but somehow they seem to question the validity of their difficulties.

buckeyetree · 17/06/2023 22:07

People always think they can encourage 'picky eaters', as though the parents just haven't tried hard enough. Our child never ate fruit, though she ate plenty of veg. So, so many people were convinced they could get her to try a strawberry or whatever as a toddler. As if we'd nowvee thought to try all their very run-of-the-mill ideas, which of course consistently failed. Your friend sounds unsupportive.

AmeliaEarhart · 17/06/2023 22:11

Yes, I can see how that would be very annoying. I can sort of understand how a lot of things may seem normal to a parent of a 2 year old, but become a sign of a deeper issue when an older child doesn’t grow out of them. DS was diagnosed at 7, and the fact that the “tantrums” (which we now know were meltdowns), food issues, irrational and all-consuming fears etc continued long after his peers had outgrown them was a definite indicator that he was not NT. He’s 12 now and despite being very bright and quite mature in some ways, is also years behind his peers in others.

I think all you can do is keep answering firmly that no, it isn’t “normal” for a child of your son’s age, and that his autism means you need to take a different approach. Hopefully as your friend’s child passes the toddler stage she’ll start to be more aware and sensitive about the differences.

Ninkinpopodopolis · 17/06/2023 22:19

I can see both sides here and have probably been like your friend in the past. Unfortunately people just don't understand if they haven't lived with a neurodivirgent child. You're friend is probably trying to be supporting but in reality it just isn't helpful. I have friends who are like this. I take a deep breath and gently explain our reality. In the meantime try and find a group for parents with children with send/disabilities. These parents will 'get it' and it will be really helpful to be able to talk to people who are living your life.

DelurkingAJ · 17/06/2023 22:23

Yep. I think my immediate family thought we were exaggerating until DS1 spent three days with DM aged 8. She was genuinely shocked, I think, not by his behaviour per se, but that her very standard gentle parenting had no effect at all on a overstimulation meltdown. To be fair she’s had him back willingly but it felt like the scales fell from her eyes. DSis also…DH has had to gently say to me that I’ll never make her understand.

roughtyping · 17/06/2023 22:24

Yes, this happens often with us. Has happened my son's whole life. He was diagnosed with a genetic condition (and later autism), which was via a blood test and I wanted to scream from the rooftops I was right! They couldn't possibly refute a blood test. Bizarre feeling. I'm still never sure how to reply. I don't bother a lot of the time. People will not understand unless they've gone through it.

Blueskysunflower · 17/06/2023 22:26

Similar is sometimes said to me in a weird attempt to be reassuring or supportive I think. As if my child’s autism is some kind of awful thing we need to pretend isn’t happening or that needs to be downplayed. Actually, for the most part, it’s just who they are - I don’t need reassurance, it doesn’t need minimising, it’s fine. I couldn’t care less at this point that DC only eats a dozen foods, it’s just not worth the upset, but I’m not stupid enough to buy the notion it’s typical of a ten year old to only eat the same two dinners or to rule out eating an entire meal because the fish finger and the chip on the plate touched.

I don’t let people do things like “encourage” my child to eat because it has completely the opposite effect, and in fact I try and shut down all conversations about my child’s differences in front of them - I’d have just said “please leave him be to eat what he chooses from his lunch box, it’s up to him” and not even brought up his autism. Constantly explaining behaviour to people who don’t need to know and who aren’t open to learning about autism just invites comment.

Begonne · 17/06/2023 22:28

My ds’s presentation of autism is quite subtle and I’m selective about who I speak to about it. Some people see everything through the lens of autism and kind of side eye him. It’s quite dehumanising.
And then the others like your friend dispute anything I share. It can get really lonely.

I’ve found it invaluable to attend support groups for parents just to have those brief moments of shared understanding.

SparklingMarkling · 17/06/2023 22:29

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Lougle · 17/06/2023 22:29

The thing is that this is how it's going to be forever. Even now at 17, I have had a situation where I was warning the college that DD1 is a flight risk before she even started, been ignored, made to feel I was neurotic. Then she ran away from college and they were all of a sudden "If we'd known she was a flight risk we wouldn't have accepted her...." They were told. Repeatedly.

You can tell people until you're blue in the face but they won't accept it until their methods, techniques, etc., haven't worked.

EvilElsa · 17/06/2023 22:31

I had this with my (former) friend group and it used to drive me mad! DS (now late teen) was diagnosed at 4. I was friends with a small group who would always tell me that he didn't seem autistic (he did) and I don't have to listen to the doctors etc. It was so insulting. Like I didn't know my own child and they knew better than qualified doctors and psychologists.
DS goes to a specialist school now and is great. I ditched the "friend" group about 6 years ago and haven't regretted it for a moment (it was toxic in other ways too but that always sticks in my mind)

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