To be pissed off at my friend downplaying my sons autistic traits?

[DisgustedOfTidmouth]

Bit of a rant tbh.

She's a ftm to a two year old, I have a five your old and a six month old.

Oldest was formally diagnosed with autism almost a year ago but it was pretty apparent for a long time before this.

But every time I mention something as being one of his typical autistic traits she has to jump in with "I think that's normal for kids to be honest", like she's some sort of parenting expert.

Some of it may be normal for much younger kids, but not five year olds.

(Todays conversation was about eating which she downplayed as him being a picky eater rather than him being highly selective with set parameters which determine whether or not he'll eat something - everything from the colour of the plate to what location he is in)

I've had years of comparing my son to both his autistic and non autistic peers (mainstream nursery, specialist support group). I know what is and isn't down to his autism.

But she seems determined to downplay every struggle he has as "just kids".

AIBU to be getting fed up with it?

It's hard.

Who is 'pandering' to anything? DD1's special school didn't 'pander' to her. She ended up with enduring mental health difficulties and was hospitalised with an eating disorder. Now, a year after leaving school, she's in such a state that her college terminated her course and a potential new college will take her if the Local Authority agrees to 1:1 when they're inside and 2:1 when they're outside.

Perhaps if the school had recognised her needs ('pandered to her') in year 7 when things started to go wrong, she wouldn't have been hospitalised in year 10 and would have coped with school and college.

It’s blooming irritating, isn’t it. I’ve heard the lot, ‘boys are just slower’, ‘have you tried just saying no’, ‘do you read/play with them enough? It may be lack of attention (excuse fucking me??)’, ‘my kids eat everything because I always fed them well from birth’, ‘you don’t want to be labelling your kids this young (it’s not a label dear, it’s a disability), ‘he doesn’t seem mentally ill to me’…..

Then you have the ignorant fucknuggets who come out with the most foot in mouth moments. Had one woman tell me ‘well my child talks really well because I spoke non stop to her all the time. In fact, she’s so chatty I wish there was something wrong with her’. That one took a lot of deep breaths I won’t lie.

I actually find it reassuring that I’m not the only one on the receiving end of this but I do also despair that this the common experience!

Your sisters sound akin to Cinderella’s ones

Oops! Wrong thread! So sorry… but now I’ve clunked my way into this conversation, I can say that it was due to people like your friend and my husband who made me second-guess myself. My DD1 was diagnosed at 17. It was an enormous blow to her self-esteem and sense of identity being diagnosed so very late. She has also been extremely reluctant to acknowledge and work on her areas of deficit which will make living with other people rather challenging for her. I am so very disappointed in myself that I let the opinions of others undermine my daughter’s need for help. Hindsight is so painful. There were so many obvious signs and I knew it.

Maybe you do. Some people are willing to just make reasonable adjustments and try not to judge 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Fraaahnces do not beat yourself down. At least you and your daughter have got that recognition now and can still get the right support going forward. I wish my ex’s family had recognised it in him as a child/teen because it’s now as an adult that his traits are really coming to the forefront. I absolutely see him having a full burnout before he’s 40. He’s flagging so badly because he was always told that his ‘differences’ were because he was such a special genius that no one would understand. Rather than someone who was finding it increasingly difficult to function in any real world sense. His family think having extensive knowledge about random things is the most important value in life, and anyone who gets irritated (rightly or wrongly) by a severe lack of executive function skills are just cruel and show a lack of respect for someone so evidently amazing (can you tell I had a few gritted teeth moments with the in laws??).

Best of luck with your daughter. I would advise that she will need a lot of help with the mental health aspect of autism. It’s so badly ignored during and after a diagnosis. The lost of a sense of identity (often due to high masking) is a very common theme, especially with later diagnosis.

Was discussing this with my MIL on the phone this morning. I could almost hear the eye roll 🤣

It's not "picky eating" in the traditional sense. It's only eating it if it's on his yellow plate rather than his green one, refusing to eat pizza in squares but devouring it in triangles, not having good touch (so loves mince and tattooed but won't eat shepherds pie), eating curry at granny's but not at nursery or home, only eating fajitas at home, loves eggs any way except scrambled (it's a texture thing)...

He's actually got a much better range of foods than many autistic children, so long as the "rules" are followed

Yep. Mine was non-verbal until after the age of 4. The number of people who suggested I try 'just talking to him' or 'modelling talaking behaviour' was truly jaw dropping.

Like it never occurred to me to talk to my own child or he had never had anyone talk to him FFS

Oh just read this post. Your last para..... I am very impressed you did not rip her to shreds.

@TiredOfCleaning We were at a parenting group, otherwise there would have been a lot of ripping a new one.

Some people want to ram their opinions down your throat. I would back off from her a bit. My mum calls my 12 year old son manipulative because he tolerates some loud noises (fun things) and not others recent trip to the farm tractor event kids continually honking the horns and he got so upset and wanted his phone then wanted to leave. But loved the busy/noisy trampoline park told me he’s clever he knows what he’s doing. I give up with it if that’s how she feels I just keep him away from her tbh.
no devices at table rules and trying to force him to ‘join in’ he’s in an unfamiliar place and needs time to work up to stuff.

Even more impressed.

I stopped going to parenting groups as it demoralised me so much.

Anyway- I will say something i always try and say to people when discussing this issue. It is something that DS1's psychiatrist who diagnosed him with ADHD told me (to go along with his other diagnsoses as if they were not enough) ...parents who have children with ASD and ADHD are often criticised for their parenting when in fact they tend to be much more accomplished and skillful parents. They have had to parent instinctively and organically and develop resilience that other parents of NT children will simply never have to deal with.

parenting is never easy no matter if your child is ND or NT but her words have served to encourage and comfort me many a time.

@shopper727 DD is the same loves going to the theatre and loud noises where loud noises are supposed to be are a-okay. But as soon as its the interval and its a cacophony of sound the noise cancelling headphones have to go on.

Same with DD & I think this is one of the hardest things for other people to understand. To be honest it confuses me sometimes! It’s so hard to explain to other people.

I am incredibly impressed that you are able to work out which of your son's behaviours and ways of being are down to his autism and which are not. My eldest is 14 now, he was diagnosed when he was little, and I still do not know.

I have two dc with ASD and ADHD among other things! When my eldest dc was diagnosed 20 years ago i had never heard of ASD, now it seems like every other child has it! I think the problem is that it has become an excuse for bad or lazy parents to use instead of accepting that their children are just badly behaved because of a lack of consistent parenting! This then has the affect that people just roll their eyes and think here we go again when you try and explain why your dc is behaving in a certain way or refusing to eat something. I actually cringe when I have to tell someone that my younger dc has ASD because I know exactly what they are thinking " oh here's another lazy parent using it as an excuse for their naughty child".

I have one mum group that actually is very understanding of SEN kids. In fact it’s where I met another mum whose child has additional needs and honestly, having each other to talk to has been an absolute lifesaver. The parents there are generally understanding but we’ve become close enough that if one of them does cross the line I can confidently tell them to sod off 😂.

My brother showed massive impulsive adhd traits and my mother was threatened with SS when she tried to get help for his needs. Apparently she was talking too negatively about him and obviously wasn’t parenting right. Shockingly (not), it seems I also have adhd, so far one of my sons has been diagnosed and the other most certainly will be when he’s a bit older (he’s looking at getting his autism diagnosis tomorrow, this is the longest 24 hours of my life). At this point it just may well be adhd and not terribly terrible parenting (I’d hope).

I think many people believe it’s being over diagnosed

not that parents are seeking out support more and and there is a better understanding

it’s similar with ADHD

Lots of traits are normal child behaviour. She probably thinks you are going on too much about it it can get very boring maybe you are making too many excuses for his behaviour.
Disclaimer I have an asd child

I definitely don't make excuses. I said it purely to make her leave him alone.

To me it's akin to telling a wheelchair walker "why don't you just try walking".

I don't go on about it but I don't hide it either (and she's been well aware of his diagnosis for years. It's come up a bit more recently as we've recently had to fight to get him into the right school environment for him but it's not the sole topic of conversation).

*wheelchair USER, not walker.

Can I ask how you deal with this as I am new to this & maybe I do end up over explaining/ making excuses. Though like you OP it’s usually to get people to back off. I find sometimes people try parenting approaches that won’t work with DC.

Just don't go on about it. He has quirks etc. That just make him him. No need to say that's because of x etc why do you feel you need to explain?

If he's doing something unacceptable you parent and tell him it's unacceptable as you would with any other child.
Other adults don't need an explanation of why they may have done it. They know!

Asd children need clear boundaries and parenting as non asd kids do.

Don't make excuses or give explanations to others. It sounds as though you are going on about it too much and she's fed up of hearing about it