Page 4 | To be pissed off at my friend downplaying my sons autistic traits?

DisgustedOfTidmouth · 2023-06-17T20:11:05+00:00

Bit of a rant tbh. She's a ftm to a two year old, I have a five your old and a six month old. Oldest was formally diagnosed with autism almost a year ago but it was pretty apparent for a long time before this. But every time I mention something as being one of his typical autistic traits she has to jump in with "I think that's normal for kids to be honest", like she's some sort of parenting expert. Some of it may be normal for much younger kids, but not five year olds. (Todays conversation was about eating which she downplayed as him being a picky eater rather than him being highly selective with set parameters which determine whether or not he'll eat something - everything from the colour of the plate to what location he is in) I've had years of comparing my son to both his autistic and non autistic peers (mainstream nursery, specialist support group). I know what is and isn't down to his autism. But she seems determined to downplay every struggle he has as "just kids". AIBU to be getting fed up with it?

Gerrataere · 18/06/2023 10:59

@Maddy70 could I ask how high are your ASD child’s needs? Because you speak like someone who’s child has some level of comprehension…

Original poster

DisgustedOfTidmouth · 18/06/2023 11:18

Can I clarify that I wouldn't give such explanations to strangers or acquaintances but this is someone I've known since uni (about 15 years) and we used to be far closer than we are now (there's a backstory there that I won't get into as it's more her story than mine)

OP posts:

zingally · 18/06/2023 11:39

I suspect it comes from a place of kindness. She's trying to reassure you, but is getting it wrong.

Nimblesandbimbles · 18/06/2023 16:58

Maddy70 · 18/06/2023 10:53

Just don't go on about it. He has quirks etc. That just make him him. No need to say that's because of x etc why do you feel you need to explain?

If he's doing something unacceptable you parent and tell him it's unacceptable as you would with any other child.
Other adults don't need an explanation of why they may have done it. They know!

Asd children need clear boundaries and parenting as non asd kids do.

Don't make excuses or give explanations to others. It sounds as though you are going on about it too much and she's fed up of hearing about it

Show quote history

I suppose the needing to explain is that people seem to have a certain expectation so for example if we visit friends & DC won’t get out of the car. Or a fly lands on DC & she totally freaks out & they say ‘don’t be silly it’s only a fly.’ Also DC can start shouting when she’s overwhelmed & people sometimes try to intervene. It’s a minefield really.
Maybe I’m different but prior to having DC I would have welcomed someone telling me if their child has additional needs so I could adapt. But it seems to annoy people for some reason.

autieawesome · 19/06/2023 05:31

I don't get the badly behaved comments. My asd child is not badly behaved. He needs things to be in a certain order, will talk your ear off about his interests, has a structured routine. He has developmental delays so in some areas he's more like a 4/5 year old than a 7 year old. He struggles with sharing/socialising/losing as a lot of nursery/reception age children do and we are working on it with him. It's not bad behaviour it's just different.

Fraaahnces · 19/06/2023 05:56

Honestly, I think you sound like a wonderful, caring mum who is and will remain the best advocate for what your son needs. I agree that having everything minimised would be infuriating. I would actually ask her why she has such a hard time mconing to terms with your DS’s diagnosis and see what she says.

Fraaahnces · 19/06/2023 05:56

*coming to terms, obs

Limpshade · 19/06/2023 07:11

Used to hear this a lot from family during the preschool years as DD1 had cousins a similar age and any concerns from me about her were met with "all kids are like that". When we finally had a diagnosis and the comments continued, I explained that they did not make me feel reassured but dismissed, and they soon stopped. I'm sure it's frustrating but I think your friend is trying to be helpful. It's just that it's... not helpful. And it's hard for someone who hasn't walked that road to really get that.

OriginalUsername2 · 19/06/2023 07:26

Lougle · 17/06/2023 21:58

"I told her to leave it, it's something he would eat at home but because we weren't at home he'd obviously decided it wasn't a safe food - that he eats certain foods at nursery but won't touch them at home or granny's and vice versa."

Tbh, I think this is where I've come to be at peace with giving bland explanations. E.g. When we were in Spain for a wedding, we had to meet the bride's family. DD2 has ASD and hates meeting new people. I just pushed her past them and said "Hi, I'm Lougle. This is DD1, and this is DD3. DD2 is over there but she's really shy. If you just leave her she'll warm to you as time goes on." I could have explained about her ASD, etc., etc., but it's better sometimes to explain in terms that can't be dissected.

In your situation I'd have said, "Oh don't worry, Sarah. I'll save it for later. He'll probably want it when we get home." You know why he's refusing, but she doesn't need to be given information she can pick apart.

This. Stop bringing it up around anyone unqualified unless they ask.

ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff · 19/06/2023 07:39

Just wait for the "but we're all on the spectrum." Comments.
My son has autism, adhd and learning disability and one of my family members compares themselves to my son because get this... they like drinking tea out of the same cup.
YANBU. I would just glaze over the comments and say nothing.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 19/06/2023 07:40

This is a real pain to me too. If it's not other people downplaying then it's my own family. As if they will work the autism out of my child and its something to be ashamed of. I feel your pain.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 19/06/2023 07:43

You'll need to get used to it. I'm autistic and have had this for nearly 50 years.

Lisdeflores · 19/06/2023 07:55

My son has a genetic growth disorder I have proof of that.However friends insist on telling me that he will have a growth spurt,he won't.
it's extremely frustrating so I get your pain @DisgustedOfTidmouth My way to deal with it is to smile politely, fume at their ignorance and carry on doing what is right for my son. Also find your support from people who do understand this may be internet forums or face to face.

Fraaahnces · 19/06/2023 08:55

I do think that it’s their way of trying to tell you that the differences aren’t going to impact their relationship with you. They try to be supportive, but it has the opposite effect. If they could just listen and give you a cup of tea, maybe they’d learn to ask questions about what you need from them or if they can help with the children. Unfortunately it ends up leaving you feeling more isolated.

vipersnest1 · 19/06/2023 23:52

Lisdeflores · 19/06/2023 07:55

My son has a genetic growth disorder I have proof of that.However friends insist on telling me that he will have a growth spurt,he won't.
it's extremely frustrating so I get your pain @DisgustedOfTidmouth My way to deal with it is to smile politely, fume at their ignorance and carry on doing what is right for my son. Also find your support from people who do understand this may be internet forums or face to face.

Absolutely - even my own family (in particular my DM) couldn't get their head around the fact that it would be for life. My DM had an incident involving her vision and suddenly realised what my DC was dealing with. It made her cry at that moment. I wasn't there, but she did apologise and begin to understand what was going on.
Anyone making proclamations about your child and how they will 'outgrow' their condition needs a good kick up the arse.

Eyeofthetigers · 20/06/2023 00:33

I used to do this to.m a friend with asd child. I thoight I was making her feel better but soon realised she was getting defensive and saying other people saw it. I soon learnt to change my response, but I was trying to make her feel ok abs not so isolated

TiredOfCleaning · 20/06/2023 05:38

Eyeofthetigers · 20/06/2023 00:33

I used to do this to.m a friend with asd child. I thoight I was making her feel better but soon realised she was getting defensive and saying other people saw it. I soon learnt to change my response, but I was trying to make her feel ok abs not so isolated

That is really thoughtful of you @Eyeofthetigers . To firstly wanting to make her feel better and then to see the response and to change. I know I would really value you as a friend.

LunaSkully31 · 09/01/2024 23:10

My best friend has been helping me take care of my High Functioning Non-Verbal Autistic daughter since she was a baby. My daughter is now 7 and through a very long and complicated story she now has my daughters 1 1/5 year old half brother.

This morning we were getting ready and my daughter was being a bit of a monster. She was ignoring both of us and trying to push one of her brothers toys around. I can't remember exactly what was said but she popped off with
"Even you're 2 year old brother can do it".

I responded with "That's not fair."

Now, it was a rough morning and I held my tongue, but I'm not finding anywhere that shows why it's not ok to compare a normal child to an autistic one. Not saying my daughter shouldn't listen either because she should be.

However, I do want to explain to her that it's still not fair to compare him being able to listen, focus, and do what "normal" kids do. It took her 5 years to call me mom and her dad dad. It tool us 6 years to get her potty trained. Her son is already trying to communicate for wants and is being set up to be potty trained and he's not even 2 yet.

Quickly might I mention that I'm very proud of my bonus son and trying to help him progress just as much as I do with my own daughter. I just don't find it right to compare the 2.

Any suggestions to how to approach this subject and any possible references you could leave would be greatly appreciated.

Macramepotholder · 10/01/2024 06:44

DD us autistic and I used to get this a lot when she was younger but as she's grown and the differences have become more apparent we get it less.

But- I don't think your friend is trying to be difficult, I think it probably comes from a good place where she's trying to be reassuring.

I also try and remember that NT kids can have difficulties too- or health problems, or behaviours that are challenging. It is possible of course for NT kids to have very picky eating, or sensory challenges and for that to make life difficult for a while.

People do tend to try and reassure parents because they don't want them to worry- especially when they're friends. I think it's a pretty strong learned behaviour.

Newsenmum · 10/01/2024 07:08

I get this and it really, really pisses me off. It’s downright insulting and downplays absolutely everything you have to go through in life and what your child struggles with. I had someone do this and I just stopped being as close to her. Ideally I’d say something but haven’t the energy.

Newsenmum · 10/01/2024 07:10

DisgustedOfTidmouth · 17/06/2023 21:24

To give a more in-depth explanation of today.
We were at a friends house for a barbecue.

I had brought a packed lunch for DS because of his food issues but he was refusing to eat a certain thing.

She was trying to encourage him.

I told her to leave it, it's something he would eat at home but because we weren't at home he'd obviously decided it wasn't a safe food - that he eats certain foods at nursery but won't touch them at home or granny's and vice versa.

The response "all kids are picky eaters".

She has no reason to try to be reassuring - as I said she's not a parenting expert in a professional capacity. Nor does she have any experience of autism, Her child is 2 and is clearly not autistic.

This is something I have years of experience of at this point. It's definitely not your standard picky eating.

Ugh! I would be tempted to say “no, it’s because he’s autistic.” And leave it at that. Would piss me off so much.

Newsenmum · 10/01/2024 07:12

Blueskysunflower · 17/06/2023 22:26

Similar is sometimes said to me in a weird attempt to be reassuring or supportive I think. As if my child’s autism is some kind of awful thing we need to pretend isn’t happening or that needs to be downplayed. Actually, for the most part, it’s just who they are - I don’t need reassurance, it doesn’t need minimising, it’s fine. I couldn’t care less at this point that DC only eats a dozen foods, it’s just not worth the upset, but I’m not stupid enough to buy the notion it’s typical of a ten year old to only eat the same two dinners or to rule out eating an entire meal because the fish finger and the chip on the plate touched.

I don’t let people do things like “encourage” my child to eat because it has completely the opposite effect, and in fact I try and shut down all conversations about my child’s differences in front of them - I’d have just said “please leave him be to eat what he chooses from his lunch box, it’s up to him” and not even brought up his autism. Constantly explaining behaviour to people who don’t need to know and who aren’t open to learning about autism just invites comment.

I’ve had people say “oh no I’m sure he’s not because…. Xyz”

Yeah, because I’m just an idiot and struggling for years means nothing to you.

dawnofthenugget · 10/01/2024 07:22

@LunaSkully31 probably best you start your own thread on this one as people will be referring to the original poster

VeganNugsNotDrugs · 10/01/2024 07:30

"Leave him Jane, he'll eat it later if he's hungry"

No need to go into the minutiae of his diagnosis every time.

ElvenDreamer · 10/01/2024 07:41

Pre the diagnosis of my 2nd child I might even have said similar things to your friend @DisgustedOfTidmouth. I've discovered it's horribly difficult to explain asd as so much of it DOES just sound like things loads of people do/struggle with. Only that lived experience makes the scales fall from your eyes. Hand on heart I'd tried to understand autism previously, ironically as a private tutor I'm very well versed in tailoring occasions exactly to an individual's needs, which probably made me understand things even less because I automatically see the individual quirks and roll with them so a name isn't necessary in that respect. When DS came along and then I was living with it, only then did I truly understand, and the only family members who come close to understanding really are the Grandparents who do a lot of childcare help, and even they don't really get it. (Still believe it's something he'll grow out of etc ) I suspect your friend is genuinely trying to say supportive things, but she can't understand fully, how could she possibly. Just try and steer the conversation away from dangerous waters and save the empathetic chats you will definitely need with other parents fully in the know. Big hugs!