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Original poster

Angry at ex and his wife?

127 replies

greypixie · 17/06/2023 20:14

So I have no idea if I'm in the wrong here.

I dated a guy for 5 years. I always knew he was married and I knew his wife. He told me that he'd confessed to her that he had feelings for me six months before we even got together, but when we started seeing each other she found out within a week and put a stop to it (this was about five years ago).

So... he started meeting me 'as friends' and I thought it had been okayed at home. We talked every day, hanging out. Sometimes she'd find out the extent of our contact and get upset, but he kept framing it as 'just friends' and she'd forgive him. We were obviously way more than just friends -- from my perspective it was a full-time relationship and I was honestly just waiting all the time for those two to have the difficult conversations he kept promising they were just about to have.

After a year or so he started telling me they'd broken up, were just living together but not sharing a bed. I tried ending it and moving away a couple of times but although he never asked me to stay, he kept hinting that they were going to have big conversations and sort out the future. I contacted her a couple of times (because I believed him), and she acknowledged our 'friendship' but wouldn't talk about the relationship. Like she completely blanked it out.

About six months ago I finally ended the relationship. We spoke to each other after a few months and he said he'd fixed his marriage, they had a wonderful sex life now, were the happiest they'd ever been etc. At the same time he rekindled our affair and I was a mess so I let it happen for a few more months. He was coming over all the time, spent the night twice while she was away, told me he loved me and wanted to marry me etc. I got really depressed and ended up in hospital; he stayed the night with me, slept with me, then went on holiday with her and his kid the next day.

A few weeks ago I kind of flipped and told her everything that had happened. They had a big fight and he cut off contact with me. But I guess he lied his way through it because she blanked out everything and stayed with him.

I was visiting friends in their town and passed them in the street. They looked so happy. Like she had utterly blanked out everything that had happened. As if she didn't even know that her husband had a five year affair until a few weeks ago.

The worst part is that she was the other woman once before too. He'd had a previous marriage when he met her and walked out on a newborn baby.

I know such a long affair was awful and I really regret it. At the same time I'm so angry with them both. I can't believe that they can just skip around and act like they have the happiest marriage in the world so soon after finding out about the affair.

BTW he already has a new girlfriend, she's more than half his age and is younger than his own daughter. I guess his wife just blanked that out too. I am so pissed off that she believes his lies and didn't hear a word I said, probably still believes that me and her husband were 'just friends' for five years. I have 100,000 texts, photos, videos, messages and thousands of hours of call logs proving the opposite.

I'm so angry at them both and at myself. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 17/06/2023 21:42

She isn't in pain, she's super happy. Like she's super lucky to be loved so much.

You are delusional if you genuinely think you know how this woman is feeling based on what she has been prepared to tell you, or the image she puts out on social media or however it is that you think you are getting some profound insight into her ACTUAL feelings.

Stop fixating on how “terrible” the person who’s life you fucked with for five years is and take a long hard look at yourself and all the ways you’re in denial. You don’t even need to go to a therapist, just read this thread and take note of the ways your denial is apparent even to internet strangers.

hattyhathat · 17/06/2023 21:43

So I have no idea if I'm in the wrong here. you are hth

Original poster
greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:43

I didn't spend 5 years rubbing her face in it. I spent 5 years trying to reconcile the contradictory stuff they were both saying. He said she was fine with an open marriage, she said she was fine with our friendship. I was trying to make sense of what they were both telling me.

Clearly there's a lot of cheated-on wives on this thread who haven't processed their husband's affairs. Most of you need way more therapy than I do.

OP posts:
JRHartleysmum · 17/06/2023 21:45

You did the pick me dance for 5 years and didn’t get picked, you’re bitter. Get some self respect and dignity

Screwballs · 17/06/2023 21:45

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:43

I didn't spend 5 years rubbing her face in it. I spent 5 years trying to reconcile the contradictory stuff they were both saying. He said she was fine with an open marriage, she said she was fine with our friendship. I was trying to make sense of what they were both telling me.

Clearly there's a lot of cheated-on wives on this thread who haven't processed their husband's affairs. Most of you need way more therapy than I do.

Yep, sure do, owing to cheating scumbags with absolutely no morals. Live with your shame and go away, I'm glad you're so upset by their pretences, upi deserve it.

Isthisexpected · 17/06/2023 21:46

greypixie · 17/06/2023 20:29

Because she pretended he didn't cheat on her for five years??? Jeez, I don't care if they stay together, get therapy or whatever. But just pretending like it didn't happen is nuts.

I don't believe she was the OW unless you actually knew his first wife? I think he's a liar and you can't trust anything he has ever told you, and anything he's ever told you he's told his current wife.

Whatthefuck3456 · 17/06/2023 21:46

You was the other woman.

Grumpusaurus · 17/06/2023 21:47

greypixie · 17/06/2023 20:26

I was angry at how he was treating her too and thought she deserved to know. I figured she'd have some self-respect and leave, but I don't think she even believes he cheated on her.

This is utter bollocks! Your hypocrisy is staggering. At least have the decency to admit that are mainly angry and bitter that you did not get an upgrade from side chick. You brought this on yourself.

CheekyHobson · 17/06/2023 21:47

Most of you need way more therapy than I do.

Oh look, more denial.

TheSnowyOwl · 17/06/2023 21:47

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:43

I didn't spend 5 years rubbing her face in it. I spent 5 years trying to reconcile the contradictory stuff they were both saying. He said she was fine with an open marriage, she said she was fine with our friendship. I was trying to make sense of what they were both telling me.

Clearly there's a lot of cheated-on wives on this thread who haven't processed their husband's affairs. Most of you need way more therapy than I do.

I’ve never (knowingly) been cheated on but can still feel disgust at your actions. Don’t try to excuse the responses you are getting on here on the pretence people are bitter.

You knew they were saying opposing things and even though his actions and lifestyle backed up what she said, you ignored it to be a bit of entertainment for a man who even told you he was getting better sex elsewhere.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 17/06/2023 21:47

OP - your projection is next level.

Everything you accuse her - believing his lies, delusion, ‘blanking’ - you are far, far more guilty of.

Cop on to yourself.

He’s chosen her, now move on and learn a little something.

FastBlueHedgehog · 17/06/2023 21:48

She doesn't believe any affair even happened

How do you know this? All you have is what a serial liar has told you. Even if this is what she thinks why do you give a fuck? What do you want? Will you only be happy when she appears before you distraught and broken? It sounds like you need her to acknowledge you to validate what happened. Hopefully your therapist will help you see you have no control over what anyone else does. Focus on yourself.

TooJoy · 17/06/2023 21:49

I figured she'd have some self-respect and leave

It sounds as though you were hoping she’d leave him and he’d come running back to you.

I don’t understand why you’re mad at her.
She’s not the one who was lying to you and treating you like shit and messing you around wasting 5 years of your life.

You sound delusional and didn’t acknowledge that he had a wife at home when you were having an affair with him, so how can you be mad at her for doing the same as you.
Its worse in your situation as you were just a bit of entertainment on the side but he obviously doesn’t want to leave his wife else he would have done ages ago.

TheSnowyOwl · 17/06/2023 21:49

Ultimately it doesn’t matter what she thinks because he still does not want you and never will regardless of you being younger, willing, desperate, available and in love with him.

NeverThatSerious · 17/06/2023 21:50

You’re not coming across well at all here OP. If you were daft enough to keep seeing someone for five years knowing absolutely full well he was married (seriously, come on now) then you are in no position to be judging and slagging off his wife, let alone being angry with her. Be angry with yourself for not doing better, and being a better person.

ProfessorXtra · 17/06/2023 21:50

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:43

I didn't spend 5 years rubbing her face in it. I spent 5 years trying to reconcile the contradictory stuff they were both saying. He said she was fine with an open marriage, she said she was fine with our friendship. I was trying to make sense of what they were both telling me.

Clearly there's a lot of cheated-on wives on this thread who haven't processed their husband's affairs. Most of you need way more therapy than I do.

I am not married so no husband to cheat on me.

Bit therapy isn’t working for you yet. Lashing out, bitterness etc. it’s really speaking volumes about how you are simply angry that they are still together and you didn’t win.

Top tip, unless you speak to a man’s wife face to face and she says ‘yes we have an open marriage and I am happy for you to have sex and a relationship with my husband’ , then don’t sleep with him.

It’s really easy to not have sex someone. Especially someone as rank as him.

booboo82 · 17/06/2023 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TooJoy · 17/06/2023 21:50

She may also be fully aware of everything he has done and allowed him to have an open marriage.

standardduck · 17/06/2023 21:52

OP, why are you still invested in their relationship? He chose to stay with his wife, she chose to ignore the affair. That's their problem. You seem to be the only one unhappy in this equation. Forget about them and continue with your therapy - you sound really angry and unhappy.

CheekyHobson · 17/06/2023 21:53

I’ve never (knowingly) been cheated on but can still feel disgust at your actions. Don’t try to excuse the responses you are getting on here on the pretence people are bitter.

I’ve never knowingly been cheated on either. I’m just disgusted by your choices and unsympathetic to the character assassination you’re doing to the wife as a way to assuage your own guilt. Suggesting that makes me more of a candidate for therapy than you would be laughable if it wasn’t so tragic.

Lucyccfc68 · 17/06/2023 21:55

You shagged her husband for 5 years and you are angry with her???

FFS get some self respect. He used you for 5 years, has decided to stay with his wife, so it’s time you realised you had a lucky escape from a complete wanker.

flimsywhimsy · 17/06/2023 21:56

When you make stupid choices, you must live with the consequences.

They're not happy, not deep down, but it has nothing to do with you, anyway. Time to truly move on with your life!

arcticmnkey · 17/06/2023 21:57

Op, get over it. You're not coming off well at all, you sound obsessed, he did you both wrong, but his wife is the victim here

sHREDDIES19 · 17/06/2023 21:57

People like you make me so frustrated. Not quite as much as the slimy husbands who cheat of course, but the pathetic, needy, mistresses who kid themselves they’re the one they truly love. Get some self respect and leave married roaches alone in the future.

MammaTo · 17/06/2023 21:59

Oh give over OP - trying to take the moral high ground on this one. You’re all as bad as each other.

What business is it of yours if they’re still together, you was the OW.

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