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Original poster

Angry at ex and his wife?

127 replies

greypixie · 17/06/2023 20:14

So I have no idea if I'm in the wrong here.

I dated a guy for 5 years. I always knew he was married and I knew his wife. He told me that he'd confessed to her that he had feelings for me six months before we even got together, but when we started seeing each other she found out within a week and put a stop to it (this was about five years ago).

So... he started meeting me 'as friends' and I thought it had been okayed at home. We talked every day, hanging out. Sometimes she'd find out the extent of our contact and get upset, but he kept framing it as 'just friends' and she'd forgive him. We were obviously way more than just friends -- from my perspective it was a full-time relationship and I was honestly just waiting all the time for those two to have the difficult conversations he kept promising they were just about to have.

After a year or so he started telling me they'd broken up, were just living together but not sharing a bed. I tried ending it and moving away a couple of times but although he never asked me to stay, he kept hinting that they were going to have big conversations and sort out the future. I contacted her a couple of times (because I believed him), and she acknowledged our 'friendship' but wouldn't talk about the relationship. Like she completely blanked it out.

About six months ago I finally ended the relationship. We spoke to each other after a few months and he said he'd fixed his marriage, they had a wonderful sex life now, were the happiest they'd ever been etc. At the same time he rekindled our affair and I was a mess so I let it happen for a few more months. He was coming over all the time, spent the night twice while she was away, told me he loved me and wanted to marry me etc. I got really depressed and ended up in hospital; he stayed the night with me, slept with me, then went on holiday with her and his kid the next day.

A few weeks ago I kind of flipped and told her everything that had happened. They had a big fight and he cut off contact with me. But I guess he lied his way through it because she blanked out everything and stayed with him.

I was visiting friends in their town and passed them in the street. They looked so happy. Like she had utterly blanked out everything that had happened. As if she didn't even know that her husband had a five year affair until a few weeks ago.

The worst part is that she was the other woman once before too. He'd had a previous marriage when he met her and walked out on a newborn baby.

I know such a long affair was awful and I really regret it. At the same time I'm so angry with them both. I can't believe that they can just skip around and act like they have the happiest marriage in the world so soon after finding out about the affair.

BTW he already has a new girlfriend, she's more than half his age and is younger than his own daughter. I guess his wife just blanked that out too. I am so pissed off that she believes his lies and didn't hear a word I said, probably still believes that me and her husband were 'just friends' for five years. I have 100,000 texts, photos, videos, messages and thousands of hours of call logs proving the opposite.

I'm so angry at them both and at myself. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Screwballs · 17/06/2023 21:26

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:21

I am getting therapy, and dealing with my own role in it so I never get in this situation again. I just don't understand how they can both just blank it out like that. Well, at least I can face reality and stand the chance of having a better relationship one day, when she never will.

You don't need to understand. It's none of your business.

"when she never will" - pathetically spiteful. Get a grip. Play stupid games, get stupid prizes. Move on.

OopsItsAPony · 17/06/2023 21:26

He’s a dick. Clearly. However, you seem disappointed and judgey of both him and his wife, but don’t acknowledge that your behaviour and choices have been fucking awful too? You can’t believe how deeply the wife is blinkered and in denial . . . maybe apply that to yourself and develop some self respect?

Screwballs · 17/06/2023 21:28

God I need to leave this thread, incredibly triggering. The fucking nerve of OP.

Changechangechanging · 17/06/2023 21:28

We tend to get what we deserve in life,

bit seriously, why are you wasting your time thinking about him?

uneffingbelievable · 17/06/2023 21:28

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Bouledeneige · 17/06/2023 21:29

greypixie their relationship is none of your concern. You allowed yourself to be inserted in their relationship where you had no business to be. Move on. Leave them alone. Look ahead. Find your own life and future. You have to do this for your own integrity and to stop the intrusion. Their relationship - whatever happens - never was and never will be, any of your business.

Get in touch with your shame. I wouldn't usually say such a thing to anyone but you don't seem to be accepting what awful things you have done to another woman. Pray that no one ever does that to you. It's ghastly. You have to move on.

tweener · 17/06/2023 21:29

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:21

I am getting therapy, and dealing with my own role in it so I never get in this situation again. I just don't understand how they can both just blank it out like that. Well, at least I can face reality and stand the chance of having a better relationship one day, when she never will.

Bitter Betty over here.

Original poster
greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:31

...but I didn't cause her pain. That's the point. She doesn't believe any affair even happened. I spent five years constantly asking my ex what the two of them had agreed to, and I kept reaching out to her to try to get some clarity on the situation. She kept saying she was fine with our friendship.

I'm angry because she didn't believe we had an affair. That's the part I think is just nuts. I can't wrap my head around why anyone wouldn't want to face reality. She had five years of evidence staring at her in the face and she just blanked it all out. I think you people aren't hearing me. She isn't in pain, she's super happy. Like she's super lucky to be loved so much.

Yes, there was self-deception when I thought he loved me and was going to leave her for me. That was stupid and dumb, I'm 15 years younger than him and I should've known better.

But she's literally pretending a five year affair didn't happen. That's not just naive, it's psychotic.

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 17/06/2023 21:32

You blanked out the fact that he was married and wasn’t going to leave his wife for 5 years and knew he was a liar and a cheat. So why are you angry at her?

It’s not actual anger at her. It’s at yourself and him. But unfortunately I think it’s anger because you feel like you didn’t win. He is with her when you spent so long thinking he would be with you. You are angry because your games didn’t work and you telling her everything didn’t split them up.

You judge her for being the other woman. So you knew this man had cheated before. And what? Hoped he would leave this wife for you this time?

It makes absolutely no sense to be mad at her.

Original poster
greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:32

Better than a Delusional Dora.

OP posts:
HawdMeBack · 17/06/2023 21:33

Why does it matter to you whether she believes it or not? What difference does it make? He's made his choice and she's made herself. It's nothing to do with you and doesn't impact you in any way.

Screwballs · 17/06/2023 21:33

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:31

...but I didn't cause her pain. That's the point. She doesn't believe any affair even happened. I spent five years constantly asking my ex what the two of them had agreed to, and I kept reaching out to her to try to get some clarity on the situation. She kept saying she was fine with our friendship.

I'm angry because she didn't believe we had an affair. That's the part I think is just nuts. I can't wrap my head around why anyone wouldn't want to face reality. She had five years of evidence staring at her in the face and she just blanked it all out. I think you people aren't hearing me. She isn't in pain, she's super happy. Like she's super lucky to be loved so much.

Yes, there was self-deception when I thought he loved me and was going to leave her for me. That was stupid and dumb, I'm 15 years younger than him and I should've known better.

But she's literally pretending a five year affair didn't happen. That's not just naive, it's psychotic.

You spent 5 years rubbing this in her face. She spent 5 years trying to keep her fucking sanity. Get a grip woman. Get your therapy somewhere else.

15 years younger says it all, finish school and then reconsider your life choices.

TimesRwo · 17/06/2023 21:34

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:32

Better than a Delusional Dora.

You’re clearly the delusional Dora here, believing all the crap he told you.

What do you want from this thread?

ProfessorXtra · 17/06/2023 21:34

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:32

Better than a Delusional Dora.

You were delusional when it came to him too.

and you are Delusional now, thinking that any of this is her fault.

Bouledeneige · 17/06/2023 21:34

Leave her alone OP. You're being nasty now. You fucked her over and now you want to see her pain.

Screwballs · 17/06/2023 21:34

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hattyhathat · 17/06/2023 21:35

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:21

I am getting therapy, and dealing with my own role in it so I never get in this situation again. I just don't understand how they can both just blank it out like that. Well, at least I can face reality and stand the chance of having a better relationship one day, when she never will.

Well, at least I can face reality and stand the chance of having a better relationship one day, when she never will. look. There is absolutely no need to compare her realtionship. It's none of your business what she does with her life. You are picking on a target that doesn't deserve it.

hattyhathat · 17/06/2023 21:36

That's not just naive, it's psychotic. low blow

hattyhathat · 17/06/2023 21:37

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:32

Better than a Delusional Dora.

No its not better. That's the point. She is no one to you so I think you should just back off insulting her.

TimesRwo · 17/06/2023 21:37

hattyhathat · 17/06/2023 21:36

That's not just naive, it's psychotic. low blow

OP has clearly fallen for the “nasty wife, poor man” story he fed her.

CheekyHobson · 17/06/2023 21:37

I just don't understand how they can both just blank it out like that.

And if he had left her for you, you’d both be happily “blanking out” the fact that he had a relationship with both you and her for five years, and that he’d done the same thing to his previous partner.

Don’t kid yourself. The only reason you’re not living in denial any more is that you didn’t “win”. I mean, all “wins” in this completely fucked situation are actually losses, but not recognising that is yet another form of denial.

TheSnowyOwl · 17/06/2023 21:39

greypixie · 17/06/2023 21:31

...but I didn't cause her pain. That's the point. She doesn't believe any affair even happened. I spent five years constantly asking my ex what the two of them had agreed to, and I kept reaching out to her to try to get some clarity on the situation. She kept saying she was fine with our friendship.

I'm angry because she didn't believe we had an affair. That's the part I think is just nuts. I can't wrap my head around why anyone wouldn't want to face reality. She had five years of evidence staring at her in the face and she just blanked it all out. I think you people aren't hearing me. She isn't in pain, she's super happy. Like she's super lucky to be loved so much.

Yes, there was self-deception when I thought he loved me and was going to leave her for me. That was stupid and dumb, I'm 15 years younger than him and I should've known better.

But she's literally pretending a five year affair didn't happen. That's not just naive, it's psychotic.

Good, I’m glad she is super happy because that’s very rarely the reality when someone’s spouse and another person decide to have sex. Perhaps he likes happy women? After all, no matter what you have tried he has never ever chosen you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/06/2023 21:40

Who are these men?! I assume he looks like Chris Hemsworth, earns millions and has the brain of an astrophysicist and a solid gold cock to have so many women dropping their pants for him.

Completely mind blowing.

Sundelight · 17/06/2023 21:40

@greypixie I feel sorry for you, it seems like you were manipulated at this man, and you are frustrated cause of years and years of being lied to. They still together and happy is a reminder of that betrayal of what you faced, you don't know their marriage. And it doesn't seem like a happy one if anything it's front. You don't know what trauma that lady went through to be in this toxic relationship, but you are out. You can heal, and you can find happiness. I really hope you do, we all learnt through our mistakes we grow and we become stronger. This man will never change and he will continue to destroy lives, and he would have to continue to waste more of years if you left. Kudos ti you for getting put and the wife will too in her own time. Don't think he will be ever happy karma is a bitch

JRHartleysmum · 17/06/2023 21:41

Jesus Christ op, the fucking nerve of you

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