Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

43 with unplanned pregnancy termination dilemma

51 replies

Jaystarlight · 17/06/2023 19:32

Hi, I need to reach out for some advice/life experiences/support. Am 6w pregnant already have 17 & 6 yo. They barely spend any time together. 6 year old craves sibling relationship.
I suffer with MH mainly anxiety and depression.
I found it so hard raising children mentally and can’t imagine going back to newborn and toddler stage although I do fantasise about another child how it will look and be with my youngest etc.
I have termination pills being sent to the house.
I am just thinking I will be 44 (just) once baby here. 50 with a 6 year old.
I am as confused as I sound. Tried talking to family/peri natal Mh team but all anyone says it’s your choice. I’m feeling nausea 24/7 which is making it worse.
Anyone been in my shoes or similar …?

OP posts:

Original poster

Jaystarlight · 17/06/2023 19:32

I can’t stop crying

OP posts:

Babdoc · 17/06/2023 19:48

I’m sorry you are facing such a hard decision, OP. Obviously it does have to be your own choice - I would not try to influence you - but I just wanted to look at the point you made about your 6 year old wanting a sibling.
My sister was 6 when I was born. She and I were too far apart in development to have anything in common as children. She was leaving junior school as I started infants, and she left high school as I arrived there. We each had our own friends in our own age group. As a teenager, she resented having to babysit me.
I think you have already missed the boat for a sibling, and your 6 year old will probably either find her sibling boring or treat it as a doll. She may also resent the amount of time you have to spend with the baby, feeling that you are neglecting her.
As you already have mental health problems, adding the risk of postnatal depression to the mix, and the fatigue and strains of another 18 years of motherhood, needs careful consideration.
I think the fact you have arranged for the tablets to be delivered suggests that you have already made your decision, but are just having some last minute “what ifs”.

Sunnydaysareuponus · 17/06/2023 19:53

I had a dc at 43. Ds was just about 6. I also had older dc. Planned but took me by surprise I got pregnant at all! Ds is 8 and an utter delight. His siblings adore him. I am the oldest dm at the school gate but so what? There is a young dm, a fat one, a Goth one.,, a category for all I reckon! Who cares? We all love our dc I am sure. That's what counts anyway right?

Itsmyshadow · 17/06/2023 19:57

Agree with PP that it has to be your decision and there is no right or wrong answer. My eight year old however absolutely dotes on her 15 month old brother. She’s planning to teach him to play football as soon as he can walk and this morning they were sitting cuddling each other whilst she played FIFA. I’m aware that there’s a big age gap and that will make it more difficult to be close during childhood. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him right now and think he her “favourite family member” (preferred to her sibling who is 3 years younger).

Oscarpapa · 17/06/2023 19:58

Have you got a partner offering support? Personally from what you’ve written about your mental health, I think I would have a termination. Although your 6 year old may want a sibling this may change considerably in the coming months/years plus as well the gap between them might be difficult.

I think your first priority needs to be your mental health and if you’re struggling this will be impacting upon your existing kids without throwing an additional person into the mix.

Clarinet1 · 17/06/2023 19:59

It does have to be your decision but, particularly with regard to your 6 year old, you can’t have a baby because she likes the idea of one. You will be the one caring for the baby, supporting it for
many years….. and with the MH background you mention that is not to be undertaken lightly. I hope you find a way forward that you can live with in peace.

johnnydeppsslipper · 17/06/2023 20:01

Op this sounds a really hard situation to be in.

Do you have a partner at home with you for support?

Mischance · 17/06/2023 20:02

My eldest DDs were 6 and 8 when their little sister was born. It has all worked out brilliantly - she had 3 "mothers" - and now that they are all grown up they are inseparable.

Original poster

Jaystarlight · 17/06/2023 20:05

Thanks everyone yes I do have a partner but he’s 9 years younger and not the most supportive when things get tough he works hard so it’s me taking care of the home and kids.
I do feel that the gap between them is big my son is almost 7 and has not even said he wants a sibling. He will be 7.6 by time baby arrives.

OP posts:

Sunnydaysareuponus · 17/06/2023 20:07

My dh is 10 years younger and ds is his only dc... He shaped up to be a fantastic df.. Despite previously living in a manky house and loving his boys nights out! Quickly adjusted wholeheartedly.

RoseBucket · 17/06/2023 20:12

I think you need to take the sibling aspect out of it and do what is best for you. Does your partner know?

Papernotplastic · 17/06/2023 20:17

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

You said that you’ve found raising children hard on you mentally and you can’t imagine going back to newborn and toddler stage. That sounds like a very solid reason not to have another child. Be honest with yourself. How would you cope with the sleep loss and the emotional and practical burden of a newborn? Could you carry on being the mother you are to your 6 year old?

In the end only you can decide what’s the right thing for you. Whatever decision you make, be kind to yourself. Once you’ve committed one way or the other, don’t second guess the choice you made. Nothing good comes from that.

MammaTo · 17/06/2023 20:20

Clarinet1 · 17/06/2023 19:59

I second this massively - will a baby put further strain on your MH and in turn impact your 6 year old.

Original poster

Jaystarlight · 17/06/2023 20:48

These are all very valid points. Sitting here feeling nauseas 24/7 all the time is not helping me

OP posts:

Sunnydaysareuponus · 17/06/2023 20:49

Having an abortion will affect mh also I imagine..

Original poster

Jaystarlight · 17/06/2023 20:53

@Sunnydaysareuponus exactly I feel I am in a complete no win situation! I’m so distressed and falling into a deeper darker hole by the second. The easier option feels like ending it. Relief from 24/7 sickness and then no worries about caring for another but i mental images I have created of the baby and scenarios in my head will torture me for the rest of my life.

OP posts:

Papernotplastic · 17/06/2023 20:55

Can you get a prescription for the nausea? That could make things a little bit easier for you day to day.

Have you talked to the peri natal mental health team about your medication? Would that have to be changed if you continued the pregnancy?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 17/06/2023 20:58

The most important thing OP is do you want to raise another child to adulthood? Especially as you have a much older DC, so it’s not as if you started your family late. Do you still want a teenager at home doing GCSEs when you’re 60? To some people that would be great, others not so much. Only you know which type of person you are.

I will say though that my favourite sister is the one who’s 7.5 years younger than me and we are very close even as adults.

it’s not much help, but it really is your decision and yours alone. All you can do it what you think is best for you and your family at this moment.

Rumplestrumpet · 17/06/2023 21:01

I'm your age with similarly-aged kids. The thought if another child now would give me nightmares - I didn't have any particular mental health problems, but the early years were so utterly exhausting I know I couldn't go through it again.

It's totally normal that your head is all over the place right now Get some help with dealing with them from a trustworthy source - i.e. not the internet. Only you can make this decision

TruJay · 17/06/2023 21:03

I think saying op has ‘missed the boat’ for a sibling because her youngest is 6 is a bit harsh. People actively choose that age gap and some people don’t get to choose what gap they have at all for various reasons, my gap between my two older children was bigger than it was going to be initially due to pregnancy loss, people have difficulty ttc, requiring genetic testing etc. there are so many reasons people don’t have a two year gap between babies.

There’s 5 years between my sister and I and we are very close.

We have been on a huge genetic testing journey ourselves with our 3rd which has resulted in a 9 year age gap for us. My elder two are 13 and almost 10, they adore the new baby. It’s honestly been wonderful to watch them all together.

OP make whatever decision is correct for you and whether you can manage a newborn with the concerns you have mentioned but honestly age gap doesn’t matter all that much, I know siblings very close in age who barely speak and one’s with a 17 (yes 17) year age gap who spend lots of time together.

Papernotplastic · 17/06/2023 21:03

One of the shittiest aspects of mental health issues is that they can impact your ability to cope with certain things or situations and then send you on a spiral of self hatred because you can’t cope and you feel like you’re a failure as a person. That’s why I said be kind to yourself. There isn’t an ‘easy’ option here and beating yourself up about what you can or can’t do helps no one.

WaterfallF · 17/06/2023 21:05

There's no right or wrong OP. FWIW I had a termination four years ago and I don't think I'll ever get over it. For other people it can be the 'better' option.

Sorry you're facing this decision

AriesCantYouTell · 17/06/2023 21:08

I'm so sorry you're faced with this decision. It's certainly not an easy one 😣

I feel quite nervous posting on such a sensitive topic for fear of judgement myself

My opinion is I think you should go ahead with the pregnancy.

I can somewhat relate to you (I had my DC very young, baby's dad wasn't around, I had no money) to be honest I had more reasons not to go ahead with the pregnancy than I had to go ahead if that makes sense. But when i look at my DC I feel SICK at the thought I was even considering abortion. I love my baby so much i can't even put into words.

Especially with current MH problems, 'ending it' as you put it, is absolutely FAR from being the easier option.

I can't imagine how women cope with abortion it takes SERIOUS mental & emotional strength IMO.

To put it bluntly, I think you'd seriously regret the abortion if you decided to do it.

fghj149 · 17/06/2023 21:08

I’m so sorry you’re going through this ❤️ don’t have any useful advice but hope you are able to come to a decision that’s best for you and sending love xxx

YoucancallmeKAREN · 17/06/2023 21:24

You will be 60 years old with a teenager, i couldn't do it but if you feel you can go for it but not just to keep your youngest happy.

Flip

1 2 3