43 with unplanned pregnancy termination dilemma

[Jaystarlight]

Hi, I need to reach out for some advice/life experiences/support. Am 6w pregnant already have 17 & 6 yo. They barely spend any time together. 6 year old craves sibling relationship.
I suffer with MH mainly anxiety and depression.
I found it so hard raising children mentally and can’t imagine going back to newborn and toddler stage although I do fantasise about another child how it will look and be with my youngest etc.
I have termination pills being sent to the house.
I am just thinking I will be 44 (just) once baby here. 50 with a 6 year old.
I am as confused as I sound. Tried talking to family/peri natal Mh team but all anyone says it’s your choice. I’m feeling nausea 24/7 which is making it worse.
Anyone been in my shoes or similar …?

i would say having a termination doesn’t always impact your mental health as another PP said. I had a termination 10 years ago and I don’t think about it often or feel sad.

I would say if you’ve ordered the pills you must be considering it fairly seriously and that’s something to bear in mind - might be your gut decision?

@Hollyppp Hi, I ordered the pills due to panicking when I first found out and as I say I’m still not sure. I never knew my gut could be so changeable. It’s crazy it’s like I’m two people. The mum that can see herself having this baby and all rainbows and unicorns then I snap back to reality where I am so sick and can only imagine how hard I found it before. It’s like I’m two people in this :
Peri natal Mh team are not helpful they just listen and say that sounds tough. Not sure what else I was expecting from them.
I really appreciate all of your comments and feel humbled that you would take your time to even answer esp when I’m such a messed up confused woman.
Like I’m going around in bloody circles. I feel so pathetic

Sending you tons of caring thoughts making your decision.

You’ve got time, don’t rush, make sure you’re sure. Sometimes counselling is helpful to mirror back your own thoughts to you but if your own thoughts are a jumble and constantly changing I can see how that’s frustrating.

I have to say I think the fact I was sure (I had a termination within 24 hours of a positive test) certainly helped that I’ve never felt any doubt it was the right decision (it was with an old bf and I’m now married with a toddler and pregnant)z

@Hollyppp sending love and kind regards to you all all here. Barley any words as too sick to type but can’t say thank you to everyone xx

I’m 45, if I fell pregnant now, I’d have an abortion. I don’t have the patience or finances to support another child. I couldn’t cope if they had issues due to my age. No one can make the decision for you but both options are a valid choice.

My DC are mid 30’s and mid 20’s, they are incredibly close and it’s a comfort to know they’ll have each other when I’m gone.

Hi op so sorry you’re struggling right now it’s a horrible thing to go through. Have you spoken to your partner about this? Does he want more children? Does he know you’re struggling with a decision?

try not to think about everyone else for a minute, I know you said your youngest craves a sibling but ultimately it’s you who’s going to have to go through everything and what you can cope with. Really try to think about your mental health, would a newborn baby be too much to handle with existing kids mentally and financially? Or would you have lots of support and help from your partner and other family members/ friends where actually you can manage and it’s what you would want?

maybe write a list of pros and cons to help you see it more clearly and discuss with a good support system.

please go to your gp and tell them you’ve ordered the pills but you’re struggling with a decision and your mh is not in a good place. You don’t want peri natal as it’s not helping you want counselling asap. I struggled with making a decision and counselling really helped me so I understand your head going round in circles. Do try to speak to someone close to you for support too. Whatever you decide will be ok x

in Your present mood I do not think you should be making any choices not least one as important as this. Once you take the pills there is no going back so you need to be sure it is the right choice for you. I would try and have a chat to a midwife if you can or a doctor. Your MH is very important and whatever choice you make it will affect this. Making one choice will not make it suddenly better.
I really hope you can come to the right choice for you. I wish you well

Maybe try to get the sickness under control with the GP first? Then you can make a decision when you are feeling less poorly

Morning all, just to say my lo is not really fussed about a sibling he would prob say no if questioned. It was me thinking he would have someone that msg want more if a relationship that his older brother almost 11 years apart.
Why do our brains forget how hard young babies are and all the tough bits. I’m trying to remember it all but all I see is positive memories like my head is leading me into a false pretence.
Ultimately it’s my choice my oh doesn’t mind either way but he’s worried about my Mh. Still so undecided obviously.

Exactly! Someone has to be the oldest. I was 40 when I had my youngest and I think the oldest mother in the class is probably my friend who was 45 when she had her (unplanned) baby. Some of the fathers are probably older. And there are also lots of grandparents at the school gates.

OP, I’m absolutely pro choice so this isn’t about that but do give it some serious thought if you’re not sure about this. Don’t rush into termination. I don’t know what the support options are where you live but a midwife or GP, as a PP suggested, could be a good start. I’ve had absolutely unbearable pregnancy sickness before and really feel for you 💐

I am sorry this is so hard for you at the moment and agree with others that you need to seek some help with the nausea - no-one can think straight when you feel sick.

I understand your panic, and also that you realise that you need to try and subdue that a bit in order to make a reasoned decision - one that is right for you all and one that will not cause regret with the potential for deterioration in your already precarious mental health.

It is not relevant what others might do in this situation - those saying they would definitely abort might feel differently if in the same situation - none of us know exactly how we might react. You can only do you.

This was a field I worked in many years ago and one of my strongest observations was that many of the women I saw who went ahead with an abortion turned up pregnant at the hospital a few months later. They were mostly unable to fully articulate their reasoning or feelings. They just felt they had to do it. Clearly there are many women to whom this does not apply, but it was surprisingly common.

You need objective professional input from a counsellor who can help you sort your head out at this confusing time. Are you able to afford a couple of sessions privately?

I hope you can find a way forward with this dilemma.

Thank you ☺️for more supportive comments.
I feel so useless because still I’m so unsure. A large part of me wants to take the abortion pills tomorrow to feel human again. I’m 24/7 in bed nauseas as no medicine is working. I had HG last time and think have it again.
If I am completely torn then surely I should not bring a child into this world? Most people when pregnant are so happy and excited.
I know it will play on my mind the unknown but at least I know how to barely manage the known is that makes sense.
The sickness is def driving my choice but I feel a sense to freedom by ending this whereas with a child I am tied for ever.
Right now I am leaning towards termination

If you haven’t taken the tablets by tomorrow, get in touch with the pre natal mental health team and ask about your medication and pregnancy. Some medications are not suitable during pregnancy and if you’re thinking of continuing the pregnancy you may need to swap to something else.

I really think you need to access some counselling. Can you call BPAS as I think they offer free counselling. I think you need to speak to your GP tomorrow tell them how you feel and how it’s impacting your mh. If you keep the pregnancy your mh should be closely monitored. I was the same and undecided many years ago. Had abortion all booked and then cancelled it. I had DD and love her dearly but I did have really bad PND. Hope you feel better soon x

Hi everyone I HAVE DECIDED to TERMINATE the pregnancy tomorrow
I am feeling too unwell
mh too bad
feel too old
so much more to write but too sick
happy I’m decided
will destroy me I’m sure but it’s my decision I will live with

Fwiw I think you're doing the right thing. Your life sounds tough already and babies almost always make life much tougher. It's important for your existing children to have a mum who's able to function and look after them as well as they can ❤

I honestly you should speak to a therapist first. I think you are desperate to feel better and you may regret your decision when you do feel more yourself.

FWIW I am 60 with a teenager, 3rd and youngest. However he was very much planned so the situation is different. If you think your partner wouldn’t be much support then this is also a factor.

I think you should talk through all the pros and cons with someone impartial. Then you can rationalise your decision and hopefully feel you won’t regret whichever option you choose.

It’s a hell of a dilemma. I feel for you, and wish you strength to decide which option would be best for you xx

I have made my mind up it’s clear and simple I don’t want to start again with my poor Mh history.
thanks for all comments and support x

Hi OP, I think you have made the right choice honestly.

I'm 43 now, have a 6 and a 2 year old. They are the best things in my life, I love them fiercely, but being a mum to small kids is the hardest. I'm just finally crawling out of the "little baby" tunnel and don't know myself, my MH is hanging by a thread, DH is amazing in so many ways but doesn't understand...

If I had an accidental pregnancy tomorrow I'd terminate without a 2nd thought, I'm DONE with babies it's just TOO hard! :)

Also thank god mine are healthy but the risks of disability/SEN at out age are so much higher and would make it all so much harder.

Wish you all the best and hope that you will feel very calm and peaceful about it very soon.

That’s what worries me too! I have one with adhd and possible the other too. Very hard work. X

Sunnydaysareuponus · Yesterday 20:49
Having an abortion will affect mh also I imagine..”

Just stop it.

Sending love OP. You've made the right decision for you. And to reassure you, having a termination does not destroy everyone's mental health, or haunt them for years etc. My MH was saved by a termination 2 years ago when i found myself with an unexpected pregnancy at 40. Ignore the anti choice brigade and look forward to getting back to feeling well and focusing on the life and kids you already have xx

@Evaka this is the kind of support I need now my mind is made up 🥰

Agree with PP, you have made the right choice for you. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself. You are one strong woman even if you don't feel very strong at the moment 💐