To think that getting dolled up for a first date is stupid

[DontBePassiveAggresive]

...I'm in the process of separating from my DH. And I'm just pondering about what dating will be like, when I am ready.

I'm thinking that the whole (online) dating process is a bit flawed. What's the point in putting a really nice pic of myself on a dating app and then looking my best on our first date...when the majority of time I'm not going to look like that. What's the point in him falling in love with a version of me that isn't going to last.

Not only how I dress but also how I behave too. I think it's the norm to behave in way that comes from a place of wanting to be liked which again I think is unsustainable.

I feel like it would be a much better test if they saw the worst of me. If they fall in love with me when I look awful and I'm having PMT then the relationship is more likely to last.

Aibu?

Surely there is a happy medium. I wouldn't be impressed if a man turned up on a first date wearing scruffy old clothes and unshowered, for example.

Because everyone knows it’s downhill after the initial dating period, setting the bar even lower won’t help.

I’d extend this to job interviews. What’s the point in me dressing smartly and being enthusiastic when as soon as my feet are under the table, I’ll be taking the piss out of WFH and working in my pyjamas, and when I do turn up in the office I’ll have spent 30 seconds on my make up and be wearing a cardigan I found at the bottom of the washing basket?

The human brain works very quickly to judge and make decisions about another person within 30 seconds of meeting them. This is on an entirely subconscious level. These first impressions can take years to unpick.

I don’t think my dh has ever really looked at me properly since our first date. Which is just as well.

Why can’t people just do what they want without being labelled stupid?

Jesus 😬 I try and look 'dolled up' as you put it most of the time, certainly if I'm going to work in the office or meeting someone. A trip to Waitrose might be slightly different but I consider it a courtesy if I'm spending time with people I respect to not look like a tramp. Same with behaving in a way that is acceptable to most civilised human beings. But hey, I guess it's horses for courses and we're not all the same. Don't be surprised if you're single for quite a while though!

I can see where you're coming from OP. When I started dating after my marriage broke down, I didn't wear make up- I wanted to give an honest representation of who I am. But equally I didn't wear joggers and I did wash my hair etc! I guess what you mean is, being yourself rather than pretending to be something different (or generic attractive woman) is important when establishing your new dating identity/independent self?
My new boyfriend fell for me without make up and we are very happy by the way!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers but would it go down hill if you both were yourself from the beginning? I feel like it only goes downhill because it's too hard to maintain the image and behaviour you started with.

@BlueKaftan yeah sorry...I shamelessly wrote that to grab peoples attention. If I put a title like "to think I'm not going to make as much effort on a first date" I don't think I'd get as many replies.

YABU. While you might not make an effort day to day, I don't think many men would be impressed if you make no effort on your first date with them. It just seems rude and like you can't be arsed.

Also, imagine if you got there and really fancied him...wouldn't you feel awkward that you'd made no effort with your appearance?

As well as this, if the man youre dating are over 35, id assume hes seen women when they've woken up, are straight out of the shower, or making no effort. But it doesn't mean that knowing what a "natural woman" looks like translates into him being happy with no effort on a first date.

Because you are making an effort? I would be annoyed if a man showed up unshowred looking scruffy. It would seem like they didnt respect me enough to bother. First impressions are important, it's fair to expect someone to love you warts and all but you need to give them your best side first to get to that point

@TheYear2000 yes exactly. That's lovely that it worked for you!! 💕😍

I'm not saying I'm planning on being scruffy, I just don't want to put so much effort in when I know I'm only ever going to put that much energy in for a very short time.

First impressions are still based on looks. So in most cases, you try to make a good first impression and then let your personality start to build the relationship. As you connect on a deeper level, it matters less about your appearance. If you don’t want to wear makeup for a first date though, you don’t have to. I don’t think I’ve ever worn makeup on a first date. I’ve just tried to put the jumpers on that don’t have holes in them or food stains on them.

I also view it as a bit of armour sometimes. I don’t wear makeup but I will put it on for an interview because it just feels like a layer to hide my nerves, which I know it doesn’t work that way. Or a bit like war paint. It’s psyching yourself up for something that could potentially change your life.

I feel like it would be a much better test if they saw the worst of me. If they fall in love with me when I look awful and I'm having PMT then the relationship is more likely to last

I think that's just wishful thinking.

Surely it’s because humans have an innate tendency for visual stimulation so making an effort early on means your partner will stay interested long enough to uncover some of the more intriguing depths of your personality.

@OnlyFannys @Sapphire387 yeah...when I think about it I am just talking about myself. I would still expect the guy to make an effort. I just want to lower my standards for myself.

Generally men don't make as much effort with their looks as women so I guess I'm just lowering my effort to theirs.

A lot of people enjoy getting dressed up for an 'occasion', that doesn't make it fake or stupid. It's still them, just a dressed up them. They want to make a good impression, and makeup and clothes give them confidence.

I'm not one of them, I'm a wellies and grubby nails kind of person. But I definitely don't regard those with a different aesthetic as being less authentic.

It's normal to put your best foot forward at the start. Relaxing into a less formal appearance over time is also natural.

I must admit this new thing of filters and false eyelashes and fake this and that is a bit worrying in terms of attraction. If someone is attracted to big boobs but then actually that woman only had chicken fillets and a push up bra… does that then matter? What if a guy had on a hairpiece and false teeth? Where is the line between fake and real drawn? And if attraction is quite an instant or quick thing… is it fair that modern day life involves so much fakeness?

@CheekyHobson hmmm 🤔🤔🤔 thats a positive spin on it but I'm not quite buying into it yet.

It's not about getting told off, it's about making an effort to look nice and presentable for someone you hope to make a connection with.

I wouldn't be very impressed if a potential date turned up looking like a scruff so I think it's only polite to make an effort myself, iyswim.

@TappingTed exactly!! Generally when I go out for a meal I put hair extensions in. I'm thinking ahead about the inevitable disappointment that would happen when they realise that I don't go to bed or wake up like that! I would rather avoid that disappointment!!

Not told off, dolled up! Not sure what happened there

For a first date I'd make as much effort as I do to go anywhere else. So clean,teeth brushed, hair brushed. Clothes clean and presentable. I might put some makeup on if I felt like it, I might not.

This 😂