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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that getting dolled up for a first date is stupid

66 replies

DontBePassiveAggresive · 17/06/2023 19:18

...I'm in the process of separating from my DH. And I'm just pondering about what dating will be like, when I am ready.

I'm thinking that the whole (online) dating process is a bit flawed. What's the point in putting a really nice pic of myself on a dating app and then looking my best on our first date...when the majority of time I'm not going to look like that. What's the point in him falling in love with a version of me that isn't going to last.

Not only how I dress but also how I behave too. I think it's the norm to behave in way that comes from a place of wanting to be liked which again I think is unsustainable.

I feel like it would be a much better test if they saw the worst of me. If they fall in love with me when I look awful and I'm having PMT then the relationship is more likely to last.

Aibu?

OP posts:

Rummikub · 17/06/2023 19:40

I used to go straight after work for this exact reason. Communication style was of more interest to me. The ones that suggested not talking on the app “because we will run out of things to say before meeting” were out immediately!

Apricotflanday · 17/06/2023 19:45

I haven't ever been on a date (met my current partner through his being a friend of a friend and us becoming friends first), but I felt the same as you when my ex and I split up and I was considering online dating.

Also, do men make an effort to wear sexy clothes and make up for a date? If not, no reason for a woman to.

Obviously being clean and not looking like you don't care is probably a basic thing, but I didn't think you meant that anyway! :)

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/06/2023 19:46

Authentic is such a subjective term- authenticity doesn’t mean looking my worst. Everyday life doesn’t lend itself to being glam but if I’m going out it’s nice to look and feel your best in that situation. To treat a date the same as a school run would scream “don’t give a damn”.

sandyhappypeople · 17/06/2023 19:47

YNBU I personally think you should start as you mean to go on, in so much as not dressing up any more than you would on a standard date after you’re together.

I dress up to go out with my DH if we’re going out together, but not a lot, I’ve never been a fancy type person, my routine is probably half an hour more than my normal get ready routine, I use a little extra makeup and wear jewellery etc, and that’s exactly how I dressed on my first date.. my profile pics were very much every day pics, me on the beach with the dog, I didn’t put any pics of me dressed up to the nines as it’s very rare I do that so thought it would be disappointing to give that impression.

good luck op, it’s a jungle out there...

TheMurderousGoose · 17/06/2023 19:48

I think it's important to use realistic images on your profile, get a friend to check them that 'yeah, this is what you actually look like' Not suspiciously flattering or terribly unflattering.

But personally I like getting dolled up, so that will be a true representation of me.

scoobycute · 17/06/2023 19:49

It depends on your standards and how important it is to look and feel attractive and confident to a potential partner and similarly if you'd like them to look and feel attractive and confident.

I don't think there's a HUGE leap from being "dolled up" as you put it and being in your comfies. And I don't think there's a HUGE leap from conversations/chat either from first date to current. But that depends on how much individuals "put on a show".

Generally couples "get dolled up" from time to time anyways during the span of a relationship.

SallyWD · 17/06/2023 19:50

For a first date I wouldn't get dolled up but I would want to look nice. It's the same as if I was going out for dinner with female friends. I'd make more of an effort than if I was popping to the supermarket for example.

anon12345anon · 17/06/2023 19:50

Honestly, I wouldn't bother....I've wasted time and money on on-line dating and actual dates. It's shit .
Enjoy your own company and get a dog - at least they are loyal (& don't stand you up )

Good luck

arethereanyleftatall · 17/06/2023 19:51

To a certain extent I see where you're coming from.
There's a balance though.
When I started OLD I did my nails and my hair all fancy, which just isn't me at all, so I won't do that any more, because I don't want to ever mask who I am. I'd rather be single than pretend to be someone I'm not.
So, given the above, I will take myself and present that to its highest level. Which for me, means brushed hair, lip gloss and mascara. That's it. 5 mins. But 5 mins more than the the shops.

Kazzyhoward · 17/06/2023 19:52

I've never got "dolled up" for anything really (well maybe my own wedding). But I try to dress smartly all the time, i.e. I wear "smart casual" at work, when shopping, even lounging at home, although there are different degrees of "smart casual" and I don't lounge at home in the same clothes I'd go to work in. But definitely dates etc I'd have been smart casual.

The only time I'd consider myself "scruffy" would be when I wear old/damaged clothes for DIY when painting etc. Even when I'm gardening or washing the car, I'd wear something I'd not be embarrassed at wearing if someone came unannounced.

So I suppose I wear the same type of thing all day every day whatever I'm doing. For me, being smart gives me confidence. I like smart casual because it's comfortable. Nothing worse that being uncomfortable in high heels, tight skirts or pants, fussy blouses, etc. I never wore skirts or dresses in my dating days just for the sake of being "dressy" - any skirt I'd wear, I'd wear it for comfort, certainly not for sexiness etc just to please a man!

EBearhug · 17/06/2023 19:52

I don't wear make-up, so neither does my profile pic. OTOH, I wouldn't have used a pic just after I'd swum 1000m in tight goggles, with my eyes looking puffy with red rings like yesterday... So I'm not dolled up, but I'm not looking my worst, either.

SirenSays · 17/06/2023 19:54

I dress for the place, not the person. If the date's at a nice bar I'd always do make up, hair, nice outfit. If it's a hiking date and we take the dogs then it's shorts and a messy bun.

BadNomad · 17/06/2023 19:58

Not only how I dress but also how I behave too. I think it's the norm to behave in way that comes from a place of wanting to be liked which again I think is unsustainable.

I don't understand this part. Are you saying you put on a fake persona when you're on a date? I don't think that's normal. The point of a date is to see if you are compatible with the other person. The point isn't to win them over. Unless I've been doing dating wrong.

nosyupnorth · 17/06/2023 20:03

I don't think most people have one static real appearance, they modify their appearance for occasions - I look different when chilling at home to out with friends to going to work etc etc. None of those are fake or less part of my appearance. Many date activities are typically dressy occasions so it makes sense that people present themselves in the typical way.

Obviously this depends on how broad your range of looks is. If you're somebody that spends hours on hair and makeup to completely transform yourself for a dressy occasion then I can see why you might feel a disconnect in the first impression you give and your more usual look but I don't think that's deceptive -- most adult men in a position of forming a long term relationship will be aware that women aren't fully made up and in their nicest clothes all the time.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/06/2023 20:08

Lots of men think like you OP! I went on a date with a guy who honestly looked like he'd slept in his clothes, unshaven, hair all unkempt, and vaguely stale smell. It's very common in men who have separated from their wives and don't know how to wash and dry their clothes properly or don't iron at all.

If you want him, I'm sure he's still out there!!!

Missingmyusername · 17/06/2023 20:13

Your version of “dolled up” is different to mine. If it involves wearing hair extensions (plus anything else) then YANBU.

Go clean and tidy, I would still blow dry my hair and use make up. But no extensions or fake lashes and not loads of makeup. I’d still want to look like me, just a more polished me.

SeriouslyStressed57 · 17/06/2023 20:25

Reading between the lines it sounds like you are more thinking about showing up as your authentic self. And not trying to dress yourself up as someone you are not.

I met my DP through the gym. I tend to live in gym clothes and don’t really wear make up. I felt it took a lot of pressure off the whole dating thing…

Ohhmydays · 17/06/2023 20:39

DontBePassiveAggresive · 17/06/2023 19:18

...I'm in the process of separating from my DH. And I'm just pondering about what dating will be like, when I am ready.

Not only how I dress but also how I behave too. I think it's the norm to behave in way that comes from a place of wanting to be liked which again I think is unsustainable.

I feel like it would be a much better test if they saw the worst of me. If they fall in love with me when I look awful and I'm having PMT then the relationship is more likely to last.

Aibu?

When I met my partner(wasn’t looking for anyone at the time) him and his group of friends gradually joined me and my group of friends table in the local pub. Started with general chit chat with us all, how’s you, how’s your week been kinda thing to us all taking the piss out each other having a laugh. But i was always the one sitting pair of joggy bottoms, hair pulled back, no make up or fake tan. What you see is what you get, like it or don’t lol

Original poster

DontBePassiveAggresive · 17/06/2023 21:00

@SeriouslyStressed57 yeah I want to be myself. I don't want to feel like I have to live upto my first date...if that first date was that I put loads of time and energy into it.

I guess I'm also thinking about how contrived online dating is. In an ideal world I wouldn't have to do it, I'd meet someone organically. But if that doesn't happen I would like to exercise some control in making it happen through online dating but I'll have to be careful not to put out this version of me that isn't true. I guess I don't want to be goal driven about it...I feel like if I get to the point of wanting to do online dating I might put too much effort into taking the best pic and being the best me on dates. I think I'm a bit all or nothing.

I think I need to view online dating as a thing to open opportunities to meet guys rather than as a way to find a partner. I know that may seem like the same thing but it changes something for me.

I don't know if I'm making sense!

OP posts:

Rummikub · 17/06/2023 21:03

similar to me- I just used it for socialising mainly. Took the pressure out.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/06/2023 21:10

I think you are being a bit silly if you don't up any reasonably nice photos, though, because people are swiping through possibly 50-100 pictures, they can't be expected to study yours looking not so hot and then imagine what you might look like on a second or third date! Be yourself is bad advice for online dating, which is primarily looks-focused at the first pass. Put it this way- try it out and then see if you swipe on the better-looking or better-dressed men. I bet you do. Most men look truly terrible on online dating, like hideous photos up their double chins in the car. Do I swipe on them thinking how authentic they look. Hell no!

PurplePear7 · 17/06/2023 21:13

I mean.. people generally want to look and feel their best in a first date situation. If that involves make up/a dress/heels then great, if it involves no make up/jeans/trainers then great. If the person is right for you it won’t matter.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/06/2023 21:20

I aim to feel confident but not too try hard. For me that would mean make-up as I wear it on days I go out, and some nice jeans, cami and slouchy jacket. This is what I wear the rest of the time so it's not anything different, except on the odd day off where I don't even get dressed!

BillyNoM8s · 17/06/2023 21:27

I'd be unimpressed if I went on a date and they turned up looking like a scruff. I wouldn't see them again.

It just sort of sets the tone on whether or not you can be bothered to put any effort in for me. If you can't be bothered to attempt making a good first impression then you won't have the opportunity to make a second.

It seems odd to actively want to make no effort. Are you sure you want to date?

Your current thought process will probably only work on someone who already knows you.

cassiatwenty · 17/06/2023 21:32

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/06/2023 19:22

Because everyone knows it’s downhill after the initial dating period, setting the bar even lower won’t help.

This, sorry OP

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