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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that getting dolled up for a first date is stupid

66 replies

DontBePassiveAggresive · 17/06/2023 19:18

...I'm in the process of separating from my DH. And I'm just pondering about what dating will be like, when I am ready.

I'm thinking that the whole (online) dating process is a bit flawed. What's the point in putting a really nice pic of myself on a dating app and then looking my best on our first date...when the majority of time I'm not going to look like that. What's the point in him falling in love with a version of me that isn't going to last.

Not only how I dress but also how I behave too. I think it's the norm to behave in way that comes from a place of wanting to be liked which again I think is unsustainable.

I feel like it would be a much better test if they saw the worst of me. If they fall in love with me when I look awful and I'm having PMT then the relationship is more likely to last.

Aibu?

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 17/06/2023 21:37

My dolled up look is not far off my normal look.. I don’t wear makeup or self tan or stick on eyelashes or high heals or hair extensions ever. The difference would be having put mousse in my curly hair to control the frizz and spraying on a bit of perfume! I’d also wear my smarter clothes and leave the dog walk joggers at home. I’d do the same for date 1 as date 101.

cassiatwenty · 17/06/2023 21:39

I suppose it's you getting dressed up because you take care of yourself in general. Skin care, fashion, hair, I suppose it's something you do for you anyhow. Do you feel better in pajamas or when you dress well?

If I went on a date with a guy at Canary Wharf and his nails were untidy, he'd have BO and was vulgar and/or spent the evening watching footy, I'd be all like thank u next 💅💫

Jk987 · 17/06/2023 22:03

How would you feel confident and flirtatious if you turn up looking shabby?

Original poster
DontBePassiveAggresive · 17/06/2023 22:15

@Jk987 why do I need to be confident and flirtatious?

Besides I think I would feel more confident if I could see that a man is attracted to me with minimal effort.

OP posts:
Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/06/2023 22:18

Nothing is stopping you engaging in this experiment and reporting back! It would be interesting to run two profiles with very different photos and seeing what happened. I think you haven't quite understood the nature of online dating though, unless you are a stunner with no effort, you may simply never get on that date, because IMO both men and women look at the pics first, make an initial decision, and then read the rest afterwards (sometimes not even bothering). Could be worth trying out!

Avondale89 · 17/06/2023 22:20

I think you’re over thinking it. Just do what you feel comfortable with, but I wouldn’t bet on finding a “better” mate because you’ve made less effort.

rabbithearted · 17/06/2023 22:28

I mean the dating pool is so skewed in online dating towards women if you're just looking for a compatible man it seems like a good way to go about it to be honest, it's not like you have to try super hard to get matches so might as well try to get the people who like you when you're "normal"

If you're looking for the top percentage of men though it could be worth it to put the effort in

Original poster
DontBePassiveAggresive · 17/06/2023 22:30

@rabbithearted top percentage of shallow men? 🤔🙃

OP posts:
Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/06/2023 23:31

@DontBePassiveAggresive the stats show that there are far more men on dating sites than women, but women tend to be looking at the top 20% of contenders and so are all chasing the same ones, meaning they can find it hard to find a date that's acceptable to them. If you want authentic men who are not lookers, you will be spoiled for choice!

cassiatwenty · 17/06/2023 23:32

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/06/2023 23:31

@DontBePassiveAggresive the stats show that there are far more men on dating sites than women, but women tend to be looking at the top 20% of contenders and so are all chasing the same ones, meaning they can find it hard to find a date that's acceptable to them. If you want authentic men who are not lookers, you will be spoiled for choice!

How about authentic men who are lookers?

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/06/2023 23:34

No, you won't get many of them as they are spoiled for choice, that's the whole point. Good-looking, authentic, kind, nice men who aren't weird or inappropriate or angry or hate their ex-wives are not in plentiful supply on dating sites, so unless you are a looker and have some amazing other qualities, in general why would they date you when they have a lot of choice. Most people go for the person with the qualities they want and the looks, very few people are not visually driven on a website full of photos and you can't get to know someone's personality as in real-life.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 17/06/2023 23:39

You're being silly.

Of course you try and make a good impression on a first date. That doesn't necessarily mean getting 'dolled up'.

Blossomtoes · 17/06/2023 23:42

I’m perpetually “dolled up”. My makeup goes on when I get dressed, every single day of my life. I don’t think most of my friends would recognise me without it.

cassiatwenty · 17/06/2023 23:50

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/06/2023 20:08

Lots of men think like you OP! I went on a date with a guy who honestly looked like he'd slept in his clothes, unshaven, hair all unkempt, and vaguely stale smell. It's very common in men who have separated from their wives and don't know how to wash and dry their clothes properly or don't iron at all.

If you want him, I'm sure he's still out there!!!

But why is it so hard for them to put in a little effort? Get some jeans that fit, a black t-shirt, an interesting watch bling bling

If a man doesn't know how to take care of himself, is he looking for Mumsy 2.0 or a girlfriend/partner?

It's not hard! Just habits and thinking about your health, really.

Rummikub · 18/06/2023 00:10

The men’s pics are hilarious tho. Fast cars, guitars, once I saw a helicopter 😂

DojaPhat · 18/06/2023 00:17

If this is your general attitude to life then so be it. Having said that, at work I do have down days, indeed even down weeks - but it would be very bizarre to have turned up to my job interview as my 'real' self. I'm often amazed by people who are their 'true' selves in every single setting and circumstance.

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