I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

SAHM’s should absolutely not be receiving the same exact same household figure from their Husbands today (to buy food and pay bills), that they received in back in 1982. Inflation, Brexit, CoL!

£400 using inflation Cal would be £1800 today so my OH was generous. He didn't hide away his money either. Savings were joint. He was a good dad which is why our sons are now good dads. I wonder if @gogaah partner had a good dad it does make such a difference

@gogaahDespite everything, you are doing an amazing job holding at all together. Please keep that at the forefront of your mind. I really feel for you and I understand exactly how tiring it is holding it all down and feeling like a married single parent, as my DH used to work abroad a lot whilst I was working full-time with two DC (albeit with a bigger age gap), nursery and school runs, and no family help. It can and will get better, if you want it to. Life gets easier as children grow older and become more independent. But you’ll run yourself into the ground continuing like this. Major changes need to take place, and your H needs to be leading on these changes that are fundamental to the future of your marriage. You need couple counselling. Your marriage is doomed if he continues to refuse counselling. Your H has had these misogynistic and selfish views of women working themselves down into the ground like slaves to accommodate lazy men from his upbringing. Your H just wants an easy life and has checked out, leaving you to do all the hard work whilst also financially benefitting from your unpaid and paid labour.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself and take comfort and common sense advice from the wise women of Mumsnet who have been there, are there and are happy to share their valued knowledge and/or experience, in an attempt to ensure that others do not have to go there too.

Whatever you do, never ever give up your financial independence.

I guess it depends on where you live, income and your lifestyle, therefore, figures are relative.

I’m glad that your DH was generous and a good Dad, OP’s H is not. You were and are still are very lucky/fortunate even. Unfortunately, as is clear from MN not all men treat their partners and children well.

I don’t want to gloat or make OP and others feel even worse about their relationships, and this is not a competition to see who has the best partner.

But, I’ll share the following without posting actual figures so OP has examples of generous and caring men who like and want the best for their partners and children:

As the higher earner, my DH paid me the full-time salary that I lost whilst I was on Maternity Leave with our children. He also paid all nursery fees. I contribute greatly in all areas. I would never do 50/50 and DH would not ever dare suggest it. I currently work PT as I know he has my back. He respects me and my invaluable physical, emotional and financial contribution to our relationship/family.

@gogaah do you and your family consider financial success to be more important than anything else?

I don't get why you're saving now. You obviously have money to make your life easier for the few short years while you're in childcare hell. But you want to use the money that could be used to make life easier for you now, to make your future life more financially successful? Who has decided this- you or your DH?

In the meanwhile your DC get a stressed out mum and a dad who is always away and doesbt engage when he is around. They are learning how adults work and you are showing them a pretty poor example. I know that's hard to hear, but it's in your gift to change.

If you just want to moan about how hard life is, that's fine. If you want to be happier, then you need a real think about your priorities. Either chuck money at the situation to make life bearable for you or work towards your DH understanding you need him to step up (though he's unlikely to, imo).

By the way, do not take any of this as saying you should give up work to make life easier for you. Do not give up your job. I have a feeling you'll need the income when you decide you've had enough of your DHs selfish ways.

I should have also added:

And because of the above, including DP doing school runs when he can whilst running multiple businesses. The fact that we still like and love each other after nearly thirty years, I damn ensure that he receives a lovely Father’s Day Lunch out and is spoilt with love and treats by myself and our DC. He does the same for me on Mother’s Day.
Whilst OP and many others have partners who shamelessly ignore the Mother’s
of their children on Mother’s
Day. Disgusting behaviour. Not even a Mother’s Day card arranged on behalf very young kids in some cases!

I totally get where you're coming from.

But how much more money should we throw at it ? I have a cleaner once a week. I get hello fresh. I get take aways a lot too. I order shopping from Deliveroo in emergencies, to save me going to the shop when I need something.

Since I've gone back do work im really struggling keeping the house tidy and keeping on top of feeding my kids good food. I could get the cleaner to come twice a week. But it's more about just keeping things tidy. The kids toys are everywhere. I spend some of my working time tidying and clearing up and it's going to impact my job if I don't perform well because I'm unfocused. It's just so much and when I'm ill or the kids are ill OR the nanny is ill, it really throws everything on its head.

@BelieveThemtheFirstTime I don't actually care that much about Mother's Day. It's just a commercial day so businesses make more money. I don't buy into it tbh.

I think my three year old could have said happy Mother's Day. That would have been enough.

I care more about day to day stuff. He could arrange a surprise for me- even just something simple like - tonight I got you sushi for dinner, because I know you love it. Or, why don't we go to X place with the kids this Saturday. I think they'd really enjoy it. He never does that. It's always me who has do practically beg us all to go out. If I don't think and organise, we would just be at home all the time.

I'm a bit wary now that I'm about to suggest ways to make your life easier, when the underlying problem is that you have a shit husband who isn't supporting you and his children in the way he should.

Why are you tidying when you have a cleaner and a nanny? The nanny should be sorting out dinner for the DC and ensuring toys are put away, DC clothes are washed and put away and that rooms she uses with the DC are left presentable and tidy (I'm assuming you give her a tidy base to start with). Does the nanny take your older one to nursery and back? If not, why not? Have you arranged enough hours for the nanny to properly help you? I think you've saved on a few hours so core daytime care is covered, but not covered all the other bits where a nanny really helps reduce the load on the parents.

If your cleaner comes once a week and you're still stressed about tidying, what else can they do to help you? Are they changing bedsheets, are they ironing clothes? If they are not, the you can ask them to do this for extra pay.

This is what I mean by chuck money at it, if you have it, why haven't you made full use of being lucky enough to afford a nanny and a cleaner?

Your husband is determined to be the star of the show that's why he leaves all the menial tasks to you, if you let him he will grind your time until there's nothing left and you have no resistance to him walking all over you.
If I was in your position I wouldn't confront him I would quietly stop doing things for him, stop facilitating his career focus on yours and privately have a solid plan to make sure that you and the kids come out on top.

You're buying hello fresh, takeaways, ££££

Kids toys everywhere, you've too many toys???

IKEA callax unit with doors and inserts.

I had two big antique chests one per child when the lid wouldn't shut had a declutter. My DILS have callax units and pass onto charities or even leave on the pavement and it vanishes.

Children are overwhelmed by too many toys so rotate.
As a granny I've six plastic boxes. We have the following

Peppa pig box
Fireman Sam box
Train set box
Lego box
Duplo container
Dolls and mini house container
Garage and vehicles

Plus a chest of games, playdoh, crayons, colouring books, paint, glue, general arts and crafts, coloured paper.

One or two boxes comes out at a time, when they get bored boxes packed up and go away. Your NANNY should be doing this. I have to ask what they're doing if they're not tidying up after them?

The nanny should be tidying up the kids' mess as they go and before she leaves. You shouldn't be doing any clearing up on your working days.

What time does she stay until in the evenings? Most people I know who work long hours have their nannies come from 8-6 and the nanny makes a simple tea for the children in the evening so the parents don't have to feed them.

I still think your main issue is an H one but you need to reduce the burden on yourself until you can tackle that.

I've recently reorganised all the toys. But as soon as they start playing, it becomes a mess. The older one does tidy them away, but then they're all over the place in boxes and not very useable. The nanny does leave the toys reasonably tidy at the end of the day. But from 5 pm until 8:30 pm, a lot of toys come back out and it's a mess again.

Add to that, the fact that I just can't do house work when my one year old is around.. I think he absolutely hates it. He just screams and screams. Unless I am literally playing with him and giving him 100 percent attention he's always crying.

Anyway, yes nanny does pick up. But I do drop off every morning.

I think the issue at the moment is that I've been ill and the nanny has been off too. Everything seems way worse when we are out of our routine and I've been really so tired and not been keeping up with my / H laundry. The nanny has been off, so kids laundry also needs to be done.

The other issue I'm finding, when I'm unwell especially, I go up with the kids and fall asleep when they're asleep. So some dinner stuff will still be out, toys will be out. Then H gets home, eats and goes to bed. So I hey up to a mess. I get the kids ready and to nursery for the older one. By the time I come back it's 9 am and the nanny is here ( house is a mess ). But thankfully she's here, so watches the baby while I clean up for up to an hour. This is the issue on bad days, when there's illness and long nights etc.

My health is up and down, so sometimes I manage well. Other times I just don't manage and it's as described.

On the days I spend the mornings cleaning, I can't have a lunch break. I also often work a bit whilst I'm up in the night anyway, to make up for it. But it's tough.

Like I said, I do manage ok some of the time.

OP, I don't think the problem is just that you have a shit husband. When I read your earlier posts about you commonly doubting yourself, my immediate thought was that you probably come from an invalidating/narcissistic/ emotionally abusive family background. And then you wrote about your mother 'bigging herself up' and putting you down.

It sounds like you grew up believing you weren't worth much, that you were imperfect and not good enough, and this will be from the messages you were given as a child and the overall family dynamic, which in your case sounds very misogynistic. No wonder then you unconsciously chose a husband who 'fits' with that. We always unconsciously veer to the familiar, even if it is bad for us. The only way to stop doing that is to become conscious of these patterns and the hold they have over us, usually through therapy.

Yes, this awful imbalance and lack of love and concern for you in your marriage needs to change, but first of all you need to see why it's happening to you.

Everything you said @MsRosley 👏
Particularly this:
We always unconsciously veer to the familiar, even if it is bad for us. The only way to stop doing that is to become conscious of these patterns and the hold they have over us, usually through therapy.

Why are you accepting any crumbs he deigns to drop for you?

Start pretending that you are going a bit mad, e.g. when you're chopping something stare at the blade and mutter to yourself (loud enough that he can hear) - 'if only i could chop his dick off'. Or he can find you wondering to yourself in the bathroom 'I wonder how much bleach it would take to kill him' whilst staring into the middle distance. Print out an article about Lorena Bobbitt and put it on the fridge. That kind of thing When he challenges you pretend you had no idea you said/did anything - you must be so tired you don't even know what you are saying/doing etc. It will psych him out and he will start getting nervous around you. Which will be good for getting your requests for help met, plus he won't be so keen on pestering you for sex for a while.

I'm very sorry, but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him

On top of everything else he isn't fair or transparent with money (I'd want to see evidence of savings)

He gets worse...

If what you’ve said here is true then it is just absolutely bonkers to me that you can’t see how awful your DH is.

Why on earth are you accepting not only the fact he does nothing to support you whatsoever and that you have to do it all even when ill, but that he also criticises you and expects sex when you’re exhausted from running around after him and the kids?

At first I thought it must be a financial thing (not that this would make it ok) but you’ve said you earn good money too and don’t even have joint savings, so I just don’t understand it.

You really do deserve better than this OP.

What does your nanny do? Surely part of the point in having one is she keeps on top of the children's stuff?

She does to a certain extent and tidies their stuff away ( albeit disorganised ). She does their laundry and puts that away. But from when she leaves until they go to bed, they've made a mess again.

She also cooks lunch for them some days.

The nanny watches the baby? I'm not sure she does as much as she should.

And don't get all the toys out after 5.30

Surely the kids are having tea, bath and bed? If they need toys just have a couple available that will take a moment to put away

your nanny needs a kick up the arse. she only has 1 kid to look after, she should be cooking their lunch and prepping their dinner!
Your dh is taking the right piss out of you too.
are you sure he's away woking when he says he is?