I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

Is the him working away and you building up savings mainly his plan/idea or yours?

From what you’ve said, I wonder how much you are both building for your future together or whether this is this mainly you building up his future?

It sounds like you are doing almost all the sacrificing and he’s getting the vast majority of the benefit. Is he going to come out of this with far more earning power and potential than you?

Because at the moment he works away (which is v. risky for a marriage anyway) while you work full time and do all the childcare and housework. and when he comes home you’re still doing all the childcare and housework and he’s expecting you to also concentrate on him. He isn’t concentrating on you or your children. He sounds disassociated from family life and ripe for looking elsewhere and thinking the grass is greener. Because he seems to be clearly voicing his utter disdain for your contribution to family life.

If you were both on the same page, the plan could be a really good one, but it seems clear you’re not. I think you need to concentrate more on the now and ensuring your own needs are met and less on an uncertain future ideal.

We've always had an account each but the various savings accounts have always been joint and we discuss it before any money is transferred. I'm actually better with the money in that I'll make it work harder by researching and moving to a different place if necessary. Sometimes the savings drop because of necessary expenditure on the house but overall the pot grew.

@gogaah I really think that the savings accounts should be joint, you each have your own account still.

My OH worked horrendous hours when we had young children it was hard I gave up work but he gave me £400 a month to pay for food and anything else I wanted. Which was a good amount in 1982. He paid the mortgage, utilities. I still get that £400 every month 40 years later. I put everything on one credit card and calculate what I need to pay and what he needs to pay.

It's the hardest time of your life I had two under three and honestly I remember what we did with one child because there are lots of photos. The second child there are far fewer photos. And yes he did moan about the lack of sex. But we bounced back physically.

I think you should get a sleep consultant to help your children sleep better. I used Andrea Grace when my 3 year old’s sleep completely went to pot. Lifesaving.

NOT because your husband wants “intimacy” but because sleep deprivation will make you ill and is completely miserable.

Can’t believe your husband has the cheek to moan about anything. You are working like a dog - he should be singing your praises, not moaning about dinners and tidying up.

I don't understand why food bills and childcare costs don't come out of the shared 'mortgage/bills' account? They should all be considered a shared expense of raising a family.
If he earns more than you (double?) then obviously he should be contributing more to that shared account every month.

I know it's the exhaustion but you seem to passive and accepting of your DH being a lazy selfish twat when he's home.

Why on earth are you doing everything when he's home?!? You're not his slave!!

Savings and finances should be joint - you sound naive.

'Can’t believe your husband has the cheek to moan about anything. You are working like a dog - he should be singing your praises, not moaning about dinners and tidying up.'

You just need to spend one afternoon with my mother and mother in law to understand that what I do contribute ' as a woman ' will just never be enough compared to what they did. They always say they don't ' make them like us anymore '.

They're always critiquing the smallest things. ' well my kids were always perfectly turned out when they were little and I had no time as I worked full time / looked after the entire family plus in laws and still I managed to do absolutely everything and my house was always so spotless you could eat off the floor '.

They have set the bar so high and they don't respect what I do at all. Think I'm spoilt and they had it much worse than me. H just expects women to do it all and not complain. It's all he's ever known.

He sounds very disengaged from you and the family and with him working away so much, I would be very suspicious.

He does have a normal job. The reason you don’t have a normal family life is because he’s opted out of being a father and husband, not because he has long hours.

H just expects women to do it all and not complain. It's all he's ever known.

So? And you're going to put up with it and continue to do it all!?

So why you uphold DH’s idea that women do it all in 2023? Are you from a different culture?

I really doubt mum and MIL are telling the truth, they just sound like arseholes tbh. If anyone talked to me like that they’d be out on their ear.

Quite.

'So why you uphold DH’s idea that women do it all in 2023? Are you from a different culture?

I really doubt mum and MIL are telling the truth, they just sound like arseholes tbh. If anyone talked to me like that they’d be out on their ear.'

Culture wise, English mixed with European.

I'm trying not to perpetuate the idea at all. I definitely don't do it all the way he wishes anyway. That's why he's unhappy

My mum is the worst at bigging herself up about how amazing she is. But at least she actually recognises that it's completely unbalanced in our house and she's not at all happy about how much I have on my shoulders.

MIL never ever says anything positive to me. If I ever look tired or say something like ' it's been a tough week. Kids have been unwell ', she just brushes it off - oh yeah it will be better some day. We all went through it.

They have set the bar so high and they don't respect what I do at all. Think I'm spoilt and they had it much worse than me. H just expects women to do it all and not complain. It's all he's ever known

So rather than stand up for yourself and set him straight, and potentially save the futures of your own daughter/future DILs having the same awful circumstances, you just carry on being run into the grown ... and told you're not good enough while there?

Wow

You shouldn't care what the older generation was like. You shouldn't care how your husband was raised when it is NOW actively damaging you in a grossly unfair way. Stop putting up with it and tell him he needs to carry more weight at home and actually be at home more doing more or your marriage will end this year.

I understand why he can't work less.

I don't understand why the nanny can't stay longer.

Unless you want to keep flogging yourself for the sake of savings (in his name)

You both work hard. But I notice he doesn't come home and get stuck in. Just complains. I'd flip my fucking lid if this happened. I'm not sure why you tip toe around and talk about your grace period.

Your dm and dmil sound awful and are probably rewriting history.

Stop saying things like

*Honestly I wouldn't even mind doing everything.
*
You SHOULD mind. You're making it sound like that would be normal. Seriously, ask yourself what the benefits of being with him are. Because it sounds like you'd be better off a single parent as at least then you wouldn't then get the Agro/emotional manipulation of a man winging at you that you're not doing good enough to provide them sex when you're knackered. And he comes in and makes even more mess for you to clean up? No thanks. Infuriating.

How is OP the one who has opted out when she’s the one at home doing fucking EVERYTHING?! Are you thick or just a second rate troll?

They haven’t set the bar high they have set it low. That your self worth should be tied to you ability to run a household and please your husband which is not how it should be.

your self esteem seems in tatters and you are desperate to keep a man who shows you little affection and disdain that you will sacrifice everything for him

how much does he see his children

if you can I think counselling might help

Culture wise, English mixed with European.

OP I’m going to make a guess that you live in central-ish London and your careers are in law, finance or similar. And you’re planing that your kids will be going to prep/independent schools. I have a couple of friends who move in those circles and it all sounds very familiar!

Personally I would find that lifestyle and the level of pressure overwhelming and probably couldn’t do it but I can see how it seems normal when you’re living it.

Excellent post.

OP - you are definitely not in a position to give up your financial independence/working. Do not go part-time either as he clearly does not treat you like gold and does not have your best interests at heart.

People either care about you and your welfare or they don't.

You're never going to get validation for everything that you do from people who don't care about you.

Stop caring about what these people think or valuing their opinions.

You won't look back in 40 years time and say "Well, at least I ran myself into the ground trying to keep my husband and in-laws happy".

You earn half of what he does, so you need to revisit your contribution percentages and how you pay the bills. You need to go back to using the joint account for paying ‘all’ the childcare and household related bills. I sense financial abuse.

Oh, and your Mum and MIL are still in the dark ages and are no help to you or the health of your marriage. Ignore them.

So no comment on him doing fuck all for Mother’s Day then?! How laughably unsurprising.

I agree.

Bottom line is he is just another selfish arsehole that you unfortunately have had children with.

He cares nothing for them or you.

He has his life very conveniently set up that he is an absent parent, all on the pretence of earning for the future.

The sacrifices being made are all OP's, to leave her job, reduce her hours would be just another mistake.

Men that are as selfish as he is find it very easy to have affairs.

Keep your career in full-time mode, I have no doubt you are going to need it in the future....together with a rottweiler solicitor and a forensic accountant.

For what it’s worth from a stranger on the internet, you are doing an amazing job. I read your comments and replies and holding down a full time job, and raising two children is incredibly difficult, and being the lead parent for the vast majority of the time is tiring, stressful and difficult.

don’t let MIL or DH comments make you feel like what your doing should be easy, two under 4 is incredibly hard and tiring! Regardless of help in the day.

It sounds like you are both on the same page in regard to sacrifices today, for financial goals later down the line.

its worth considering the phase life’s about the journey and not the destination, so when will you hit that point that family life becomes fairer? Will that time ever come? Is this sacrifice something you will hold against your DH?

my view would be get a clear picture together of when it gets better and put a plan on place to manage in the meantime, if your both clear that it’s the next two years, then you can perhaps put things in place to make it more manageable. That might include extra child care so you can do things as a couple and feel that connection again.

whatever you do, don’t doubt yourself, you are working very hard.