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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL too much??

62 replies

123456789jx · 16/06/2023 21:52

I’ve been with my BF 5 years and lived together for almost 3. He moved in due to the lockdown and by the time it was over we we bought our first house together. When the lockdown eased we switched between my family home and his before moving out. It meant we got to know each others families pretty well and got really close.

I really feel as though I am part of their family, as he is with mine. Everyone celebrates everyone’s achievements, birthdays etc. it’s been amazing and I wouldn’t change that aspect but…

Christmas this year was planned to the hour so we could be as fair as possible between all our family. All our siblings, parents, grandparents etc. long story short, last minute changes from MIL meant that they missed out on some of our time. Everything seemed fine at the time so I didn’t think much of it. Had a great Christmas and everyone got on fine.

Anyway, a couple of times in January there were a few comments from her that I didn’t appreciate, e.g. ‘we get you guys next Christmas’ and ‘I can’t wait for our turn to have you all day next year’. She even suggested going abroad as a family for Christmas. I didn’t really think about it as I realise it’s 11 months away.

since then there has been the odd snarky comment. All about how we spend so much more time with my family than his, how we get more excited to see them, how we get them better birthday presents. She has also spoken to extended family members about how disappointed she was over the XMAS issue. I don’t think any of this is true. We stick to budgets and eat dinner once a fortnight with each family. We may be more excited to spend time with my family, but that’s only because my sister lives far away and she often travels down to see us.

now it’s Father’s Day coming up and the obvious thing is for me to spend it with my Dad, and BF to spend it with his. MIL has booked a day out in London including expensive tickets for activities, and has included me in the booking, without asking first. I told her that I would speak to my Dad and see what his plans are and that I was very grateful, however I thought it was assumed that I would not be available that day because I’d be with my own Dad. She told me that my family got me on Christmas, so they get me on Sunday.

BF is obviously on my side with this, and has confronted her saying that it was her own fault for booking without asking me first, and to stop using Christmas as an excuse, but they got in a pretty heated argument. They are now not speaking, and BF has said that he will plan his own thing for his Dad to celebrate Father’s Day, but I can’t help but feel awful. He has 2 little siblings who were looking forward to it, and his dad is the one meant to be celebrated, not punished for his wife’s behaviour??

should I just suck it up and go?? Apologise and make different plans for my dad (who is amazing and laid back and understands the predicament and told me to do whatever I think is best)?? Tell BF that he’s being unreasonable?? AIBU??

OP posts:

IamSmarticus · 16/06/2023 21:56

No - absolutely don't just suck it up and go! Go and see your own dad, MIL should not have booked anything for you without checking first.

ConcernedCatmother · 16/06/2023 21:59

No don’t suck it up. The MIL is a self centered cow. Be glad your bf stood up for you, many don’t!

Aria2015 · 16/06/2023 21:59

Honestly, set boundaries now!! You're grown adults, she's not entitled to your time or your partner's. I wish I'd not been so obliging to my now in-laws. 20 years down the line and the expectation is to spend every significant occasion with them. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day. We have kids now and they have zero consideration for the fact we'd maybe like to do things 'just us' or make our own family traditions. I hate it and I deeply regret setting the precedent that we have.

takealettermsjones · 16/06/2023 22:01

Go and see your own dad! Your response was more than polite, I think I'd have just said "sorry I can't, I'm seeing my father on father's day."

The Christmas issue is absolutely one of the most annoying things in modern life imo! It's one day and people get hysterical. I went abroad with DH one year and bloody hell, you'd think I'd told them all I hate them rather than I'm spending three days on a city break!

BashfulClam · 16/06/2023 22:01

See your dad, you have finite fathers days so spend them with him. Mil needs to get her head out of get arse and I’d cancel Christmas etc and do what you want. You are not toys that everyone gets a turn with.

Isolationendurance · 16/06/2023 22:02

You must stick to your guns and go to your dad. Do encourage your partner to make it up with his mum but not at the cost of indulging whatever little power trip she's currently on.

SuchiRolls · 16/06/2023 22:02

Do what works best for you. You’ve not done anything wrong and if you pander to her she’ll just move on to something else. She sounds like a petulant child. 🙄

WeWereInParis · 16/06/2023 22:04

Do not go. You're MIL needs to learn that she cannot do this. If you give in she'll do it again.

I would really really stop with the planning everything to make sure everything is even - dinner with each family once a fortnight (would all hell break lose from MIL if you had to miss one of "her" days?), planning Christmas to the hour to make it "fair". You can't keep this up - sometimes you'll see someone a bit more, and I wouldn't have a set up where MIL felt like she could get annoyed and demand more time in return.
If you want children and end up having them with your partner, this will become an absolute nightmare.

hattyhathat · 16/06/2023 22:04

If you marry or have kids she will be 10x worse

Frogger8395 · 16/06/2023 22:06

You’ve created a rod for your own back by trying to be fair. Scale it back. Go and see your families on your own sometimes and stop telling her how often you see them or what gifts you bought.

saraclara · 16/06/2023 22:09

It's bizarre that she thinks that she had more right to your presence on father's day than your father!

It's unfortunate that is caused a row, but she's being totally illogical.

Going by your OP, it was MIL's last minute change of plan that caused the Christmas issue. Had that been pointed out to her? It's almost as if she's trying to avoid recognising her own fault by trying to balance out your presence.

What's your FIL's take on all this? Does he agree with her?

CmonYouKnow · 16/06/2023 22:10

God help you if you have children!

underneaththeash · 16/06/2023 22:10

Of course you should see your dad on Father’s Day. You have to make the most of them before they’re gone (my dad was 61 when he died)

Your Mil sounds like she needs some boundaries, so make expectations clear the year before anything big. (Children going away etc).

kweeble · 16/06/2023 22:11

I'd use this row to cut down on visits and I'd certainly not be telling her if I'd seen my own family or bought a present for them!
She doesn't own you - you are adults so stop pandering to her demands - shut it down if she starts with snarky comments and leave. She is being really manipulative and it needs to stop now.

hattyhathat · 16/06/2023 22:11

She told me that my family got me on Christmas, so they get me on Sunday. you are not a toy.

LittleOwl153 · 16/06/2023 22:14

Do you think she deliberately scuppered the carefully split Christmas so she could hold it over you to claim all the holidays of the following year?

Definately go to your own father's your bf should do what he thinks is best for him - which could well be seeing his dad with his siblings.

StrawBeretMoose · 16/06/2023 22:15

I would see your dad on Father's day. BF should not let his mum spoil everyone else's day by him not seeing his dad.

Listen to @Aria2015 and others an stop trying to be fair to everyone. DH and I absolutely refuse to do the what's fair on everyone else shite especially at Christmas when you see people suggesting the most convoluted ways to keep others happy. The idea of mixing both sides of our families is an absolute no.
We used to go on holiday some years pre-DC. Some years just us, some years with friends, some years with family but not on any rota.

Do not let anyone command your time and have you on an obligatory fortnightly rotation. And if someone is a self-centred passive aggressive type just spend less time with them.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2023 22:15

Do. Not. Back. Down. Ever.

If you do, this woman will run roughshod over every aspect of your life. The dynamic has changed and she sees you as a threat now.

You had best make your boundaries crystal clear, and make your partner aware that you will no longer tolerate any bullshit from his mother. Not one more snarky comment, nothing.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/06/2023 22:16

I echo what others have said. Absolutely do not bow down to her and change your plans.

Maybe your DH speaking up a few times will help her wind her neck in and just appreciate having a good relationship with her son and partner rather than competing for minutes with you.

saraclara · 16/06/2023 22:16

All about how we spend so much more time with my family than his, how we get more excited to see them, how we get them better birthday presents. She has also spoken to extended family members about how disappointed she was over the XMAS issue. I don’t think any of this is true. We stick to budgets and eat dinner once a fortnight with each family. We may be more excited to spend time with my family, but that’s only because my sister lives far away

Do you/does your DH put her right every time she does this?

"No, we spend the same amount of time with you both"

"No, we spend the same amount of money and care on each person's birthday presents"

...and don't share stuff with them that she can turn into a grievance. It's ridiculous that you can't be pleased to see your sister.

She's insecure and jealous, and someone, preferably her husband, needs to point out that her behaviour is counter productive and will end up in you wanting to see her less.

saraclara · 16/06/2023 22:18

She told me that my family got me on Christmas, so they get me on Sunday.

Did you tell her that your family got you through her own actions in changing plans at the last minute?

evuscha · 16/06/2023 22:19

It’s great that your BF has your back and understands. Definitely stick with your original plan and celebrate your dad.

Setting · 16/06/2023 22:22

You’re an adult, this is all wierd. Just tell her it’s easy and going forward you will be spending it as a family of 2, and see them around Christmas time, same with birthdays etc.

AutumnCrow · 16/06/2023 22:23

Why do you think any part of this is normal, OP?

Ginola2345 · 16/06/2023 22:29

Don’t go out with MIL on FD your response was more than reasonable hers was wrong. Bulldozing you into a day out and the. throwing her toys out of the pram.

I would cut down on timings and regularity of visits too. She sounds like the type of person if you give her an inch and she will take a mile and whatever you do it won’t be enough.

If you have kids with your bf she will expect to be centre stage at yours and your DC’s expense.

I had children really close together. We were having a cake at home for DS’s birthday with just MIL and FIL as they were visiting and staying with us. I had his birthday cake and candles in the kitchen ready and DD was a baby and needed feeding. I explained I would do the cake once I’d finished feeding DD. But she took it upon herself to put the candles in the cake, light them and bring it over to DS singing happy birthday whilst I was still in the middle of feeding DD and then she asked DH to take a photo of her. I was furious. When we visited her and the kids were toddlers she didn’t like going out for a meal at night so she used to book a family meal out starting at 8 or 8.30 and would want 3 courses and to sit at the table for ages. I had explained a lunch time meal or an early meal starting no later than 7 would be better for kids as they got over tired but she refused to listen. So we said we would just stay in with the kids as it was too late for them to be up and they would be tired and unhappy etc. I could right a book.

Go and see your dad don’t feel guilty enjoy it and don’t fall out with your BF and set her right about Christmas as she will bring this up for ever more.

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