MIL too much??

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I’ve been with my BF 5 years and lived together for almost 3. He moved in due to the lockdown and by the time it was over we we bought our first house together. When the lockdown eased we switched between my family home and his before moving out. It meant we got to know each others families pretty well and got really close.

I really feel as though I am part of their family, as he is with mine. Everyone celebrates everyone’s achievements, birthdays etc. it’s been amazing and I wouldn’t change that aspect but…

Christmas this year was planned to the hour so we could be as fair as possible between all our family. All our siblings, parents, grandparents etc. long story short, last minute changes from MIL meant that they missed out on some of our time. Everything seemed fine at the time so I didn’t think much of it. Had a great Christmas and everyone got on fine.

Anyway, a couple of times in January there were a few comments from her that I didn’t appreciate, e.g. ‘we get you guys next Christmas’ and ‘I can’t wait for our turn to have you all day next year’. She even suggested going abroad as a family for Christmas. I didn’t really think about it as I realise it’s 11 months away.

since then there has been the odd snarky comment. All about how we spend so much more time with my family than his, how we get more excited to see them, how we get them better birthday presents. She has also spoken to extended family members about how disappointed she was over the XMAS issue. I don’t think any of this is true. We stick to budgets and eat dinner once a fortnight with each family. We may be more excited to spend time with my family, but that’s only because my sister lives far away and she often travels down to see us.

now it’s Father’s Day coming up and the obvious thing is for me to spend it with my Dad, and BF to spend it with his. MIL has booked a day out in London including expensive tickets for activities, and has included me in the booking, without asking first. I told her that I would speak to my Dad and see what his plans are and that I was very grateful, however I thought it was assumed that I would not be available that day because I’d be with my own Dad. She told me that my family got me on Christmas, so they get me on Sunday.

BF is obviously on my side with this, and has confronted her saying that it was her own fault for booking without asking me first, and to stop using Christmas as an excuse, but they got in a pretty heated argument. They are now not speaking, and BF has said that he will plan his own thing for his Dad to celebrate Father’s Day, but I can’t help but feel awful. He has 2 little siblings who were looking forward to it, and his dad is the one meant to be celebrated, not punished for his wife’s behaviour??

should I just suck it up and go?? Apologise and make different plans for my dad (who is amazing and laid back and understands the predicament and told me to do whatever I think is best)?? Tell BF that he’s being unreasonable?? AIBU??

I assume you are on the younger side OP.

"Christmas this year was planned to the hour so we could be as fair as possible between all our family."

This is no way you live your life.
Planning a day by the HOUR to please everyone but yourself, and allowing yourself to get pulled from pillar to post.

No.

DH and I set really firm boundaries with all of our parents as soon as we started out in our early 20s. It might have hurt some feelings then (although noone ever called us out on it), but our parents were only in their late 50s and much more resilient, and it has ensured we've never had to pander to any of this nonsense.

My SIL never set boundaries and is trying to do so for the first time now that she's a month away from having her first child at the age of 40. She's finding it VERY tough to do and isnt being taken seriously. And noone wants to risk hurting the feelings of parents in their mid 70s, with health issues, who may not have long left.

Don't give into MIL OP. Spend Father's Day with your DF. She sounds overbearing and this will probably get worse if you have DC, and she feels she is 'competing' with the other grandparents.

Kindly meant but you are spectacularly naive.
Of course it is your youth, but you need to take this very seriously.

She is a highly manipulative controlling batshit woman.

Her husband enables her.

Unless you back away from her, see very little of her and make it crystal clear to your partner that his mother will hear nothing of your plans and will have no say whatsoever in your plans, your life is going to be nothing but absolute misery.

Stop being involved.

Do NOT tell your partner how to deal with his batshit mother.

He knows her better than you and has been dealing with her for longer.

A sensible woman would walk away from this.
You have no idea how stressful life can be when a MIL is batshit and interfering.

Everything will be a battle.
If you have children, it will be hell from the minute you announce.

Get rid of this all one happy family fairytale.

This is NOT one of those.

This is a horror film and you better wake up quickly and put up very firm boundaries.

The rudeness and arrogance of this woman that you know 5 minutes trying to dictate to you about fathers day, is who she is.

That you are not appalled tells me your boundaries are poor and you are susceptible to her.

She is not a nice woman.

Her mental health threats are so ugly and controlling.

Start speaking honestly to your partner about his childhood and how much he really wants to see HIS family.

You need to start to see more of your family on your own.

I would 100% think it is likely that Christmas was deliberate.

Go to your family for Christmas and tell him he can decide for himself where he wants to go.

If you don't assert yourself quickly and firmly, this will get a lot worse.

Stand up to this rude woman. Do it now. It won't get any easier. She may not like it. That's OK.

Or she will steam roll over you for the rest of your life!

"I've loved being part of your family, but if you're going to sit logging the amount of time we spend with those we llove, comparing your share, and even monitoring our perceived levels of enthusiasm for being with our family members, that's incredibly unhealthy and I will want to see less of you, not more"

Don't give in to this mad cow now as that'll set a precedent for all future insanity from her! She doesn't OWN you- she doesn't GET you like a possession. She's friggin batshit. Put your foot down, stick to your plans & be very very grateful to your other half for being on your side.

This is the first major "test" she's created. If you bow to her now she'll know she's got her own way, and you'll be dancing to her tune forever. Don't do it. Set your boundaries NOW else she'll ride roughshod everything else you want to do with your family. This is about control, nothing else.

Some people just don’t get that the more they stamp their feet and moan you don’t want to see them or act like a petulant child when you do saying you prefer other people, makes you want to spend less time with them.

My dad did that to me. Constantly telling me I didn’t care about him because I didn’t spend all my free time with him, when I did see him, he was moody and saying to me, “I bet you’d rather be with other people”. Well, frankly yes, if you are just going to have a sour face all day and moan.

I don’t know what people like that want, nothing will ever be good enough.

This here.

Set boundaries now.

Do not go. Encourage your bf to go so that his father and siblings have a nice day, and you go see your dad as planned.

Stop splitting everything equally - see people as and when you like.

And my main advice would be to try and nip the whole 'Xmas here one year, there the next' thing in the bud. There might come a time when you want the day to yourselves, either before or if you have children.

I find that me and my partner are in a rut of bending to everyone else's plans and wishes, and having our own ignored. I am over it, and 11 years and 2 children in it's causing huge problems, and making me massively resentful of him and his family. Not sure if it's something that can be fixed or not.

OP, you need to be v careful going forwards

You can see what the MIL is like already, if you were to have a child with your partner this will be ten times more intense

I'm not sure how close you live to her, hopefully not too close

She isn't going to change. People over a certain age can't change

Family holidays, going over to her's all day on Christmas Day, spending Father's Day with them instead of your own Dad

She sounds very selfish. Like I said, if you have a child in the future she'll be camped at your house and when she's not there she'll want you at her's all the time

Just bare it in mind

My ILs were like this. Demanded we cancel long held plans or take leave at the last minute to fit in with their plans, made snide comments about how my mother knew me better because I spent more time with her (well yes the first 23 years of my life before I met you, you absolute loons).

It took ten years of their tantrumming and emotional blackmail before I decided enough was enough, they actually weren't very nice people and I didn't want to spend any time with them.