MIL too much??

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I’ve been with my BF 5 years and lived together for almost 3. He moved in due to the lockdown and by the time it was over we we bought our first house together. When the lockdown eased we switched between my family home and his before moving out. It meant we got to know each others families pretty well and got really close.

I really feel as though I am part of their family, as he is with mine. Everyone celebrates everyone’s achievements, birthdays etc. it’s been amazing and I wouldn’t change that aspect but…

Christmas this year was planned to the hour so we could be as fair as possible between all our family. All our siblings, parents, grandparents etc. long story short, last minute changes from MIL meant that they missed out on some of our time. Everything seemed fine at the time so I didn’t think much of it. Had a great Christmas and everyone got on fine.

Anyway, a couple of times in January there were a few comments from her that I didn’t appreciate, e.g. ‘we get you guys next Christmas’ and ‘I can’t wait for our turn to have you all day next year’. She even suggested going abroad as a family for Christmas. I didn’t really think about it as I realise it’s 11 months away.

since then there has been the odd snarky comment. All about how we spend so much more time with my family than his, how we get more excited to see them, how we get them better birthday presents. She has also spoken to extended family members about how disappointed she was over the XMAS issue. I don’t think any of this is true. We stick to budgets and eat dinner once a fortnight with each family. We may be more excited to spend time with my family, but that’s only because my sister lives far away and she often travels down to see us.

now it’s Father’s Day coming up and the obvious thing is for me to spend it with my Dad, and BF to spend it with his. MIL has booked a day out in London including expensive tickets for activities, and has included me in the booking, without asking first. I told her that I would speak to my Dad and see what his plans are and that I was very grateful, however I thought it was assumed that I would not be available that day because I’d be with my own Dad. She told me that my family got me on Christmas, so they get me on Sunday.

BF is obviously on my side with this, and has confronted her saying that it was her own fault for booking without asking me first, and to stop using Christmas as an excuse, but they got in a pretty heated argument. They are now not speaking, and BF has said that he will plan his own thing for his Dad to celebrate Father’s Day, but I can’t help but feel awful. He has 2 little siblings who were looking forward to it, and his dad is the one meant to be celebrated, not punished for his wife’s behaviour??

should I just suck it up and go?? Apologise and make different plans for my dad (who is amazing and laid back and understands the predicament and told me to do whatever I think is best)?? Tell BF that he’s being unreasonable?? AIBU??

No part of me thinks this is normal adult behaviour 😂 @AutumnCrow I just realise that if my BF is going to be a long term part of my life, so his is mother.

as for the scheduled routine, I fear I have misled people. It didn’t mean to come across so routine. The each fortnight is far more of an estimate than a planned thing, although we do try and see people if we haven’t seen them for a while, so it tends to be twice a month. @Frogger8395 @WeWereInParis

BF corrects her every single time she makes a snarky comment. He is amazing like that, partly in my defence and partly because he can’t stand it either. It doesn’t seem to make a difference, and he is accused of being argumentative or, in her words, mean to her @saraclara

so the FIL issue is what I feel most guilty about. He is 100% not on her side with this, and told BF that we should ‘do what we gotta do’. Any other holiday (especially Mother’s Day at this point), it would be much easier to stand my ground. He is truly like a second father to me, and helps us with absolutely anything we need, whenever we need it with no string attached. I feel as though he is the one suffering. MIL has also faced a very rough few years and has come out much stronger, but grown some behaviours that are very unappealing (like a petulant child @SuchiRolls ). If you try to argue or reason with her, she gets in a very mentally unwell state, as she is since her and BF argued.

thanks everyone for confirming I am doing the right thing! I love my dad, and he deserves so much more than one day of the year <3

Start setting boundaries now, because when/if you marry him and have kids she will be worse, the whole dynamics change when babies come along. Don't back down with fathers day, she should have asked you first.

Oh my goodness prioritise your own dad!!!

Why don't you reach out to BF dad individually express how much you appreciate him and say you'd love to do something nice for him in recognition of your relationship, and let him know how much he's appreciated even though you have an existing committment with your own dad on that day.. Ask him what he'd like to do on another weekend...
Your BF mum will need strong boundaries and management as she clearly likes to dictate. Start as you mean to go on and don't give into the manipulation including xmas references and biking before asking nonsense

@LittleOwl153 i was doubtful of this, but BF has made comments since that could align with this. I really hope not! I want a good relationship with her, and a few tantrums I could forgive and forget, but if she manipulates so callously I don’t know how I could cope with that!

You are an adult she doesn't control you, implement boundaries now!

Honestly I would be making a conscious effort to reduce any exposure because this would absolutely drive me batty.

Defo don’t go.
if you start ‘giving in’ now then your whole life will be tip toeing around her.
Enjoy Father’s Day with your dad

Exactly this.

Why don't you reach out to BF dad individually express how much you appreciate him and say you'd love to do something nice for him in recognition of your relationship, and let him know how much he's appreciated even though you have an existing committment with your own dad on that day.. Ask him what he'd like to do on another weekend...

I think that's a lovely idea. He must be pretty embarrassed at his wife's behaviour, so I imagine that a gesture like that would mean a lot.

I wouldnt even go down the being fair route. Xmas should be for you two to enjoy AS YOU WISH TO SPEND IT. Your adults, if you want to cook a microwave meal, spend the day in your pjs and spend the day drinking prosecco, you should. Id get on top of it before you think about kids or itll be unbearable. Start scaling it back and have a conversation with your other half about boundries your both happy with.

Same.

I hate to break it to you, but this woman is going to make your life hell.

Think very, very hard before you marry into this family or have kids with your partner.

Wow! I don’t have a dad so have never celebrated Father’s Day but you should 100% spend Sunday with your Dad. Father’s Day is for spending with your Father, it isn’t a holiday where you switch it up between families like some people do with Christmas.

MIL is being totally unreasonable with this, the holidays are not comparable.

He is truly like a second father to me, and helps us with absolutely anything we need, whenever we need it with no string attached. I feel as though he is the one suffering.

Stop feeling sorry for Fil. Like a lot of men in these situations he is a weak enabler. His silence about his wife’s batshit abusive behaviour speaks volumes. Unless he is deaf or was not present he heard the shitty comments. And he could say something, but he doesn’t. He is not on your side, he’s on the side of his wife and has passively played along with the idea you should centre him on Father’s Day over your own father.

His response of do what you gotta do, is simply not good enough. What’s happening is toxic, weird, and he has opted out leaving your boyfriend to deal with it.

Very bizarre considering you aren't married and have no kids. You aren't some sort of prize or possession to be shared out. You are both adults and don't have to visit any relatives for Christmas if you don't want to. I've never done taking it in turns neither have my sibs. As your boyfriend is one of 3 children it seems odd they are so desperate to see you. Fathers day is to spend with your own father if possible. She sounds controlling and lacking a life of her own

This dynamic is often brought about by women like your Mil emasculating their weak husbands. They then emotionally make a husband out of their sons and are intrusive, controlling and demanding.

While it’s good your boyfriend has stood up to his mum, it’s a failing on Fil part that he has to do this. Eventually, if it follows the typical pattern, boyfriend will bow out and it will be left for you to deal with her.

What would you do op, if in 20 years time your husband is bullying your sons girlfriend to not see her mum on Mother’s Day? Think about that, because that will tell you just how weird Fil reaction to this is. It’s troubling that he doesn’t appear alarmed or surprised by it. In other words, he’s used to it.

I would immediately create significant distance from this toxic pair.

No don't suck it up and go.
They don't "get you" when they choose or feel entitled to. You are not property.

You should spend time with them by mutual choosing not because they've guilted you into by planning things for you without talking to you or your partner.

It certainly is a good idea to figure out proper boundaries before you even think about having kids. Otherwise you will have a MIL crying in front of them because they prefer your mum and getting ultra competitive with your family over every minute with them.

There is no need to keep score of how much time you spend with whose family making sure it’s exactly the same. There is no need to spend any holidays with any family even, if you choose not to. Pandering to MIL and enabling her is not gonna help in the long run.

It is really important you don't go. Your MIL will never ever stop this game if it works for her and she gets you when she wants. Enjoy the day with your Dad!

I love the idea of contacting your boyfriends father if he is a good egg. I would make sure you do something not related to either family for part of Christmas ( or for part of the time you do your family and he does his) . You are not a possession to be shared. You will do what you want to do at Christmas. I would book a couple weekend for Christmas asap

When people ask why childless people are on mumsnet this is (1 of the reasons)why. Many years ago I googled 'how to deal with a demanding MIL at Christmas " and this is where I ended up!
Stand firm. Hard boundaries. Expect them to try and trample on them.
My MIL was a lovely lady, who I did get on with but God knows she would have micro managed any special occasion or day to suit her. Resist!

Can you imagine when you have kids

oh i only sawlittle harry for 40 minutes your parents got an hour
its only going to get worse

You need to nip this in the bud now and stay firm with your boundaries otherwise you will truly regret it. If you give in to her stomping over your boundaries and arrangements she will just do it time and time again to get her way - there is no incentive for her to listen to you.

I have a married relative who had one set of parents who did this and it turned every Christmas, Easter and holiday into a horrible stressful endurance test and they totally regretted that they didn't put their foot down. The parents actually used to time how long the couple spent with the other parents and demanded equal time. As the 2 sets of parents lived over 150 miles apart Christmas was mostly spent on the motorway attempting to comply with the equal time directive (and there would be sulks if they got stuck on the motorway and missed sone of the alotted time). Things got much worse after they had kids,

This! I would send him a message saying how much you appreciate him, and you will see him soon.

The real issue here is your BF and his DF. They shouldn't miss out on a lovely day due to MIL behaviour. I hope that they can celebrate together.

And as for MIL, you are not possessions. SHE changed the schedule at Christmas. You don't engage in silly games such as this one, and won't be blackmailed into doing what she wants, at your or your family's cost. I would remain very firm on this, whilst at the same time, following BF's lead. It's not worth falling out over, but it is absolutely important to clearly and plainly, nipping it in the bud immediately.

Don’t suck it up and go. Spend the time with your dad and let your BF work something out with his dad. The situation is your MIL’s doing not anyone else’s.

You sound like a nice person who has really tried but maybe now is the time to stop trying to keep things even so much.

Your MIL has traits of mine. I remember Mother’s Day my PIL booked a table for the 4 of us to go with DC. It was right in the middle of the day. Didn’t account for me perhaps wanting to see my mum at some point or even that I might have fancied a meal or day out with DH and DC ourselves. There was no question that we wouldn’t have seen MIL on the day. We suggested another time later on but the restaurant only had one slot left which they declined saying it was too late in the day. It wasn’t that late, it was just later than their preference. I even rang around a few places and got a time elsewhere that worked better for us but was not as late in the day as the original place. They declined that as they said they didn’t like that restaurant. So guess what happened on Mother’s Day?

I visited my mum with her gift early on, me DH and DC went for a lovely meal together which was delicious and then we visited PIL with MIL’s gift. They didn’t get lunch anywhere as they cancelled their booking so they missed out on a nice meal with us.

Sometimes you just need to do what you want to do. You definitely don’t want to set any precedents.