Comments about hand me downs

[Peterpiperpickedapeckof]

This is a funny one as I think it’s more political than practical.

I have an older girl and two younger boys. My sil and bil have a girl who is 6 years younger than my girl and a boy just 2 years younger than my youngest boy.

I have taken a pragmatic approach to hand me downs and just gave the girls away to friends / family with children close in age to mine and that has meant that I have given the youngest boy’s clothes to my sil for her boy but she’s made a few sharp comments and so has her daughter and also my bil about how her daughter doesn’t get anything etc.

I can’t hold on to clothes for 6 years + and I can’t imagine they want me to give them things that are massively too big. My daughter is tall and always wore clothes several ages bigger and their girl wears clothes several sizes smaller. So the age gap is huge!

They have buckets of cash so really don’t need my hand me downs. I’m tempted just to stop giving any!

Writing this I can see it is so petty! Going to let the whole thing dry up I think. What would you do?

She’s not getting clothes for her son, they’re handmedowns,

I wouldn't give them anything if they'd been "sharp" to me.

Just give them all to the charity shop, DS and DD 's clothes; and not more giving.
This solves all problems.
You may not be helping your SIL, but you will be helping someone else.

Could you not just have said what you've said here? "I didn't think you'd want to hang on to them for years until they fit neice, but if you do, I'll pass them on"?
Yes they're cheeky but it's a problem very easily resolved without angst or drama on either side.

Yes I probably could have but small children and living moment to moment, it didn’t really occur to me. People can choose to be touchy about things or they can not.

I give hand me downs to my SIL too they don't expect it, are comfortable rather than wealthy. But she is always grateful and the stuff is always in good condition. Clearly if they are sharp they have no awareness sorry to be so blunt of how much others would appreciate it. I wouldn't bother.

Could your niece not wear any of your son's old clothes?
Seems like someone's got a weird idea that children's clothes are gendered.
Probably you, as you don't mention your sons getting hand-me-downs from their big sister.

I'd say something like "if it's a problem I don't have to hand down any clothes if it's easier"

Tell her that beggars can't be choosers and to be grateful for what she is given. They're your items to give to whomever you feel deserves or needs them most.

I'd stop giving anything if they were that rude and would offer them to other local parents.

They're so rude and it's annoying when relatives with younger children seem to think it's the role of family with older children to kit their children out.

Don’t give them the DD I’ve have the same gap between my DD and the fashions etc change then different body shape as get older. Give them to someone who will wear now except for say PJ or swimsuits pass on. They sit there gathering dust and then when possibly fits won’t want anyway and that’s more wasteful.

She’s made a few sharp comments and so has her daughter and also my bil about how her daughter doesn’t get anything etc.

What is amazing about this is the way the entire family, SIL, BIL and her DD has taken the fact of your generosity as a reason to fault-find and complain about you - as if you are doing anything wrong!

Its not like they are perfect for her DD right now and you gave them to someone else. She wouldn't be able use them for years and they'd be out of fashion/season.
It would be interesting to learn how they show generosity to your DC in return?

There's better candidates. IMHO

I’d stop giving them clothes.

I'd full on stop giving them any hand me downs if they've actually complained that there are only clothes for their son.

I don’t understand the issue. Can you not just explain that you assumed the age gap was too big and that they wouldn’t want to store clothes for 6 years, whereas 2 years is much easier, but say you’re happy to pass on your daughter’s clothes if they want them.

Having read that they live abroad I would only give them what you’ve got when you see them though. I wouldn’t be keeping piles of outgrown clothes for 6 months or whatever, unless I had plenty of space.

Just ask them if they want the much too big girls stuff? If they do, they store it, not you.

I have a relative who hands stuff down. The age gap from her son to mine is 6 years

I don't want it! I can't store clothes for 6 years

So basically they are getting freebies but making jibes about not getting more freebies??? Have they given you any hand me downs of description or are they just ungrateful bleeps?

You've been very kind and patient to tolerate their attitude to this, OP!
I wouldn't give anything at all to unpleasant and entitled people, who can easily afford to buy new, and who you're only stuck with because they're supposedly 'family'. Give future clothes to people you care about or who genuinely need them.

Maybe I'm cynical, but I think this is a really funny, "be careful what you wish for" scenario. The niece is approaching the age where, for many girls, what she wears becomes very, very important. She wants certain styles, colors, brands. Very irritating for parents. Now imagine what fun you could have with this:

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted these clothes...of course you can have them! I can't wait to see her wear them...I haven't seen them yet, will she be wearing them over the Christmas get together?" And on, and on...

And then there is the niece. If they keep the clothes for 6 or 8 years will she want to wear them? Almost a decade old? Wrong color, wrong style, wrong size?

"I'm so touched you wanted the clothes for niece. You know, some parents are so materialistic and insecure that they get pushed to buy clothes for their daughter that are fashionable, and fit exactly. It's so refreshing that you don't care about that, and your daughter is so independent and mature that she doesn't have to fit in. I can't wait to see her in the clothes!"

Oh don't store them for 6 years. If SIL wants them she can store them. I'm only storing things for ages as I don't know anyone with children or even pregnant yet.

How rude and entitled are they?

I would be inclined not to pass on any more clothes and either sell them online, give them to others who'd be more appreciative or give them straight to charity. 🌹

This.

I would do this going forward.

Caveat, I'm biased, OP. I grew up in hand-me-downs, my entire primary school years. Free school uniforms; one new outfit for Sundays, bought too large and worn until too small; and everything else came in large bin bags handed directly to my Mum, with any gaps filled by a rummage through the heaped piles on categorised tables ('all children's coats 50p') at the next jumble sale.

Some things I loved. Red and white itchy wool but I didn't care tartan trousers to wear under my school skirt in winter, ohh yes! Lime green polyester shirt with long pointy lapels (it was the 70's), I hated you.

However - and this is the point of my ramblings - even as a child I understood how grateful and relieved my mother was to be given those bags of clothes for us, and to have good quality warm clothes available for token prices at church jumble sales.

Others are in a similar situation today, yet big-name charity shops seem to have killed the jumble sale. So please, an absolute no to entitled relatives, and if you can, pass the clothes on directly, or to a shelter/relief org who will simply hand them out.