Comments about hand me downs

[Peterpiperpickedapeckof]

This is a funny one as I think it’s more political than practical.

I have an older girl and two younger boys. My sil and bil have a girl who is 6 years younger than my girl and a boy just 2 years younger than my youngest boy.

I have taken a pragmatic approach to hand me downs and just gave the girls away to friends / family with children close in age to mine and that has meant that I have given the youngest boy’s clothes to my sil for her boy but she’s made a few sharp comments and so has her daughter and also my bil about how her daughter doesn’t get anything etc.

I can’t hold on to clothes for 6 years + and I can’t imagine they want me to give them things that are massively too big. My daughter is tall and always wore clothes several ages bigger and their girl wears clothes several sizes smaller. So the age gap is huge!

They have buckets of cash so really don’t need my hand me downs. I’m tempted just to stop giving any!

Writing this I can see it is so petty! Going to let the whole thing dry up I think. What would you do?

They aren’t “opting” for second hand though, they are expecting OPs clothes for free.
Just because you don’t want to buy clothes doesn’t mean you are owed them from anyone else.

Ignore and continue doing what you are doing as they are fucking unreasonable.

I got clothes given to me from friends and neighbours but none from my family because of the age gap between my DD and any of her female cousins. (There is a 6 year age as minimum.) In fact one of my brothers, with an older daughter, thought it was hilarious when his wife wanted to hunt in their attic to see if there were any clothes she could give us.

Grabby and ungrateful bunch! Give them nothing more going forward.

If they want to source second hand clothes they are free to do that, they can’t demand them. It sounds like the clothes are being passed onto someone who is able to use them quickly so it’s not like they are being wasted. Clothes that have been stored for several years tend to have a musty smell that is difficult to get rid of.

This. If she wants to store them then win win. Give her first refusal. But say you have them now or they go to charity because of storage space et ..
I applaud your approach to 2nd use of garments

My main concern is getting the clothes out of my house, so I'd just text SIL that you're getting rid of a load of size 8-9 clothes does she want them.

Who cares if they're cluttering up her attic.

I didn't say she was owed them, I just said even though she can afford new it doesn't mean she'd prefer to use second hand, in response to OP saying she has the money to buy new.

I didn't say they could demand them, I just said what I would do, which is what everyone else on this thread is doing.

I'd stop giving them anything as they don't need them and are so bloody rude.

@Didimum but your post implies she deserves first dibs. Unless she were unable to afford new why would she deserve these clothes in preference to a friend who can use them straight away?

In 6+ years time, when the clothes finally fit her daughter, they'll look dated and she won't want them.
My cousin used to do something like this for me with her child's clothes, hand them over years ahead of the time we would have actually been able to use them. To be fair I don't always like her taste anyway but when you add in the fact that the clothes have been stored so long, we used a tiny fraction of what was given. I found it a bit of a pain to be honest.

I didn't say she deserves first dibs. OP asks what we would do, and I said what I would do. No one is required to agree with me.

Thanks everyone. It’s been really interesting hearing your views. i think I’ll just give my hand me downs to people that need them for financial reasons and not bother with saving them up. They live abroad anyway so it’s a hassle to keep them and remember to hand over etc. I don’t really like their attitude which is ungrateful anyway.

Ive enjoyed reading others’ points of view on this!

They'd get nothing from me any more since they've been so entitled! What a cheek!

Well if these hand me downs are being flown around the world this makes even less sense. I think you have come to the right conclusion.

I love how sustainable nearly always equals tight in this sort of thread.

It’s not about sustainability as these clothes are already going to people who reuse them.

I think that, especially if they live abroad and so there's an element of 'saving them up' in any case, what I'd actually do is stop giving any hand me downs, including the boys clothes. While I think they're wildly unreasonable I can sort of see why they find it annoying that you're turning up with stuff for their son but not their daughter, but the easiest solution to that is to give it to neither!

Yes exactly, I do see that it must feel unfair, wish I had thought of that before I started giving. I never meant to cause that kind of feeling. This is why it’s political rather than practical. And I’ve been too focussed on the practical not the political. Well you live and learn!

Unfortunately since they are complaining about the equity of this, the only way to resolve that would be to give to neither child ! They can't expect you to buy new for their daughter just to even up the clothing gifts.

Is this actually the crux of it?

You turn up to visit them with loads of clothes for the boy but nothing for the daughter?
You wouldn't turn up with a present for one but not the other, so maybe the hand me downs feel like extra presents?

I think I’d have to say something.

“you keep making jibes about the things we’re giving you. Our boys are close in age. It makes sense to give you their things if you’d like them but I am more than happy to bypass you and just charity shop the lot if you really want it to be ‘fair’.

“My girl is a teen, so surely you’re not suggesting we hang on to her things for years, just for you, or do you want to store clothes you can’t use for years?”

(I’d laugh at her at this point).

Just say you are getting rid of a load of age 10-11 (or whatever) girls’ clothes and did she want them? If not you’ll pass on to friends. If she asks you to hold you say no, we need the space I’m afraid.

This is such a non issue.

It does feel unfair that you are getting clothes for her son but not for her daughter. But she shouldn't have been rude about it.

I would stop giving for the son as well.