to be secretly really upset that my birthday has been ruined?

Greensleeves · 2023-06-15T16:48:53+00:00

I know I'm an adult and I'm being childish, it's not even a milestone birthday. But birthdays have always been a big deal in our family and DH had made loads of effort with a lovely breakfast and presents, and had taken the day off work so we could go to an RHS garden... I was really looking forward to it. Instead I've spent the day looking after 18yo DS2 who has bad heartburn, vomiting and a really bad UTI, he's so ill he's been having panic attacks and crying, it's taken until 4pm to get to speak to a doctor and we've only just managed to get his antibiotics and prescription antacids. I've spent most of the day stroking his hair while he pukes and reassuring him that he isn't going to die! While DH took him to the doctor DS1 phoned from uni to pick my brain about an important essay he's freaking out about - short deadline and the subject isn't his comfort zone- and of course he'd completely forgotten it was my birthday. They're all absolutely lovely and not selfish at all, under different circumstances they would have made a fuss of me on my birthday, as I would for theirs. AIBU to be feeling a bit weepy and pathetic all the same? (And thinking toddlers were easier than my young adults sometimes!)

ihateaparade · 15/06/2023 17:52

That sounds really rough...Adulting is not all it's cracked up to be! It's very sweet that your boys still need their Mum😊I hope you have a lovely birthday evening...it can only get better💐

potniatheron · 15/06/2023 17:55

You're not being childish. Your oldest really should remember your birthday and it's rude not to. He should also be able to do his own essays. Also, not trying to be judgy as UTIs are painful but does an 18 yr old really need his hair stroked whist he vomits?

I would suggest that you respectfully request that they all spoil you tomorrow, as a substitute birthday, and maybe going forward encourage your kids to be a bit more independent and adult - they will thank you for it in the long run.

deliciouschilli · 15/06/2023 17:58

You're a great mum. Happy Birthday 🎉Hope you get to celebrate another time.

Sparkletastic · 15/06/2023 17:58

Can you celebrate tomorrow or at the weekend instead?

FlyingSoap · 15/06/2023 17:58

Not unreasonable, it’s mean of your oldest. I’d get his dad to give him a nudge later on though. Happy birthday! Hope you find some time to treat yourself to a lovely box of chocolates or slice of cake

Original poster

Greensleeves · 15/06/2023 18:00

potniatheron · 15/06/2023 17:55

You're not being childish. Your oldest really should remember your birthday and it's rude not to. He should also be able to do his own essays. Also, not trying to be judgy as UTIs are painful but does an 18 yr old really need his hair stroked whist he vomits?

I would suggest that you respectfully request that they all spoil you tomorrow, as a substitute birthday, and maybe going forward encourage your kids to be a bit more independent and adult - they will thank you for it in the long run.

Ouch, I can see how it looks like I'm babying them, but DS2 is usually very responsible and independent, he works quite long hours and does his own cooking etc...he just turns into a little boy when he's ill and scared. DS1 is autistic and has had a few very rocky years with bullying and mental health issues, so I'm really proud that he's handling himself at uni, he and I study/studied the same subject so he does ring me if he thinks I can help. I'll think about what you said though, thank you.

OP posts:

RhosynBach · 15/06/2023 18:00

Not unreasonable. Both kids could have perhaps been a bit more independent today but you sound like a lovely mum. I would ask to celebrate your bday on another day soon

Turmerictolly · 15/06/2023 18:01

Sorry to hear you've had a rubbish day. I'd be the same if my son was I'll (stroking hair and all). Hope he feels better soon and you get to celebrate tomorrow.

potniatheron · 15/06/2023 18:05

Greensleeves · 15/06/2023 18:00

Ouch, I can see how it looks like I'm babying them, but DS2 is usually very responsible and independent, he works quite long hours and does his own cooking etc...he just turns into a little boy when he's ill and scared. DS1 is autistic and has had a few very rocky years with bullying and mental health issues, so I'm really proud that he's handling himself at uni, he and I study/studied the same subject so he does ring me if he thinks I can help. I'll think about what you said though, thank you.

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Yeah, look I don't want to be all Four Yorkshiremen about it, everyone parents differently and my approach was always to encourage independence quite young as I believe it makes kids more confident and resourceful, but then all my kids are NT, and I'm not you.

I think forgetting your birthday is pretty self centred though and I think it would be good for the whole family dynamic to respectfully insist that tomorrow (or Saturday) is Let's Spoil Mum Day!

Caroparo52 · 15/06/2023 18:05

Reschedule your BD.
Have the birthday experience you want another day.
If others are busy then go to the gardens on own and have a slap up lunch " from the dog".
It works if you believe it does....
For instance my DDs wanted to celebrate mother's d in may this year as my bd is also march .
" Too much for 2 weeks in a row"
Fabous idea. Loved it.

Lacucuracha · 15/06/2023 18:08

YANBU to feel the way you feel.

Make it clear that your birthday has been postponed not cancelled and they still need to make an effort.

Don’t stay quiet.

jajajajaja · 15/06/2023 18:08

potniatheron · 15/06/2023 17:55

You're not being childish. Your oldest really should remember your birthday and it's rude not to. He should also be able to do his own essays. Also, not trying to be judgy as UTIs are painful but does an 18 yr old really need his hair stroked whist he vomits?

I would suggest that you respectfully request that they all spoil you tomorrow, as a substitute birthday, and maybe going forward encourage your kids to be a bit more independent and adult - they will thank you for it in the long run.

Nice. Harshly judge a scared 18 year old with anxiety issues and an autistic uni student. Lovely.

Mads123 · 15/06/2023 18:11

Understandable to be disappointed about your birthday, try to do something nice another time.

About your son, not to scare you but a feeling like you may die and not urinating is a sign of sepsis. You can check the warning signs on the NHS website and get him checked at the hospital if he has any of the symptoms.

I hope it is just a UTI, but always best to be cautious.

Original poster

Greensleeves · 15/06/2023 18:14

Mads123 · 15/06/2023 18:11

Understandable to be disappointed about your birthday, try to do something nice another time.

About your son, not to scare you but a feeling like you may die and not urinating is a sign of sepsis. You can check the warning signs on the NHS website and get him checked at the hospital if he has any of the symptoms.

I hope it is just a UTI, but always best to be cautious.

That was worrying me too, but he had a thorough work up at the gp surgery apparently and they sent him home. I'm keeping an eye on his temperature though. Hoping the antibiotics will kick in quickly.

OP posts:

GoodnightJude1 · 15/06/2023 18:18

You sound like a wonderful mum OP. I’m 42 and when I’m in agony waiting for an ambulance to arrive, if my mums here she’d stroke my hair too….so pay no attention to PP that thinks that’s weird 🙄

You’re not BU at all to be disappointed that your birthday turned out the way it did, you had a lovely day planned and due to reasons out of anyone’s control, it couldn’t happen.

Maybe, like other PP have suggested, reschedule your birthday and try again.

I hope you manage to have a nice, stress free, vomit free evening 💐

Cheeserollanyone · 15/06/2023 18:19

Your a brilliant mum OP. Happy Birthday and hope you get to celebrate when your DC is feeling better.

Theunamedcat · 15/06/2023 18:20

jajajajaja · 15/06/2023 18:08

Nice. Harshly judge a scared 18 year old with anxiety issues and an autistic uni student. Lovely.

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My daughter is autistic she sets alerts reminders alarms etc so she doesn't forget whats important

PetitPorpoise · 15/06/2023 18:31

YAB a bit U.

It's just another date on the calendar really. I'm usually working on my birthday, so I always plan something at a more convenient day so I can really enjoy it. What matters is that you do get to have the day marked in the way your family planned, even if it's a week late.

Febreezefantastic · 15/06/2023 18:37

It's a shame you had such a bad day, but YAB U not to just reschedule.
Even children have to wait until the weekend to celebrate properly when their parents are working. As long as you do have a celebration, it's not the end of the world.

Roselilly36 · 15/06/2023 18:38

Happy birthday OP, you share a birthday with someone very special in my life. Sorry you haven’t had a great day. I hope your DS is much better soon. Perhaps celebrate your special day at the weekend

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/06/2023 18:54

potniatheron · 15/06/2023 17:55

You're not being childish. Your oldest really should remember your birthday and it's rude not to. He should also be able to do his own essays. Also, not trying to be judgy as UTIs are painful but does an 18 yr old really need his hair stroked whist he vomits?

I would suggest that you respectfully request that they all spoil you tomorrow, as a substitute birthday, and maybe going forward encourage your kids to be a bit more independent and adult - they will thank you for it in the long run.

EXACTLY THIS!

cloudsandream · 15/06/2023 18:58

Going against the majority here and saying you’re being YABU. As you’ve said, it’s not a milestone and I assume you’ve had plenty of lovely birthdays before this, judging by your description. Now i’m not saying you’re throwing your toys out the pram, but you’re being dramatic considering your child is sick and the other one is busy away at uni.

Just reschedule for the weekend, it’s really not that big of a deal.

Technonan · 15/06/2023 19:00

potniatheron · 15/06/2023 17:55

You're not being childish. Your oldest really should remember your birthday and it's rude not to. He should also be able to do his own essays. Also, not trying to be judgy as UTIs are painful but does an 18 yr old really need his hair stroked whist he vomits?

I would suggest that you respectfully request that they all spoil you tomorrow, as a substitute birthday, and maybe going forward encourage your kids to be a bit more independent and adult - they will thank you for it in the long run.

That's massively judgy. UTIs are serious and can reduce full adults to helplessness. You tend to run a very high tempertaure and become extremely disorientated in a way that is truly scary for both the victim and the people caring for them. Don't make judgy comments if you don't know what you are talking about.

OP, you sound lovely. I hope you get your birthday treat soon.

TooJoy · 15/06/2023 19:07

YABU

Your child is poorly and nothing would trump that for me.

You can celebrate your birthday any day.
You can celebrate it for an entire week if you want to.

notsurewherenotsurewhy · 15/06/2023 19:20

Yanbu to be disappointed. It's just one of those things, but for now it's a bit rubbish.

And I'm 35 and I wish someone would stroke my hair for me when I'm sick! It sounds lovely. I was expected to be very independent from a young age and it didn't help me (I'm now rather problematically ultra independent - I appreciate the theory of healthy interdependence, but I can't put it into action personally!). Mine are a bit younger still (eldest 12) but my general theory is that they become independent through security and love more than by being pushed away.