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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to discipline my child?

62 replies

jelmar · 14/06/2023 19:50

Will try keep it short.

I'm a single mum to a 10 year old daughter, dad is involved, she sees him quite frequently. She isn't often cheeky to him.

She is definitely going through puberty already as she is showing signs.

I've messed up in that I've tried to be too much like a friend to her. I never had a close relationship with my mum so always thought I wanted to change this with my daughter.

However, she has absolutely no respect for me. She leaves everything at her arse and the talking back is horrendous. I just don't know how to pick a consequence and stick to it. I always feel I'm being too harsh or not harsh enough.

For instance tonight her friend was here and she kept talking back to me. I said, 'DD if you continue talking back I'll send your friend home' she said 'no you won't'. So of course I sent her friend home. However, she then continued crying and screaming and begging me to change my mind then when I wouldn't, she would say 'this is why everyone hates you'.

So tonight has ended with her not having her friend here, not having a phone/tv and being up on her room.

But I just don't know if it's too much. I've read about natural consequences but I can't think of a natural consequence of talking back.

Sometimes I'll take her phone from her and she'll say, 'I don't care, I wasn't going to watch it tonight anyways' etc. it's like she's testing me.

I'm clueless on what to do, I feel I have completely lost control.

Please help

OP posts:

mauveiscurious · 14/06/2023 19:52

She doesn't need a phone, they see too much and it affect their behaviour.

TheYear2000 · 14/06/2023 19:56

Continue to be firm when she crosses boundaries. But try to find the moments when she is doing something positive too. Then you can say "I was really proud of the way you - did your homework- were able to tell me about your day really eloquently- whatever". And try to turn the dynamics round so the focus isn't just you upholding boundaries- the boundaries are to be expected and there's also a positive dimension. Consistency is important!

Original poster

jelmar · 14/06/2023 19:59

mauveiscurious · 14/06/2023 19:52

She doesn't need a phone, they see too much and it affect their behaviour.

Totally misses the point 😂

OP posts:

Aria999 · 14/06/2023 19:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

mauveiscurious · 14/06/2023 20:00

Actually the phone is the key, it's an adult tool and there will be things she will see that will be affecting her attitude.

Year 7 at the earliest

Dacadactyl · 14/06/2023 20:00

You did the right thing tonight OP.

How much phone time does she get? How much youtube, gaming and social media? Id cut right back on all of it.

DS is 11 and his phone comes out maybe every 2/3 days for an hour and he's not allowed social media. I also monitor WhatsApp group chats and he's had to leave a few of them cos I didn't like what I was seeing.

Get her doing extra curricular activities.

Also, build a relationship with her, so find something you can do together regularly. I'd say I'm friends with my DD16 but I'm also strict. We do things together and there's a respect there. She knows there's a line and not to cross it.

Maybe write a list of rules/expectations, with clear consequences next to them for infringements. Then she knows where she stands. Stick firm to what you tell her the consequences are going to be.

mauveiscurious · 14/06/2023 20:01

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Dacadactyl · 14/06/2023 20:02

jelmar · 14/06/2023 19:59

Totally misses the point 😂

Show quote history

I'd say she's actually bang on the money

GobbolinoCat · 14/06/2023 20:03

I'd pick my battles and take a huge step back.
There is nothing wrong with being her friend and it's natural for children to start pulling away from us.
Do you ever share your own life and upbringing?
You've punished her hard tonight and sent her friend away and her phone.

Not saying that's wrong or right but I can't see how that makes her feel inspired to be nicer.

If she's calmed down I would actually go up and give her the phone.
Apologise to her.
Then this will hopefully calm her down enough to open up a proper heart to heart dialogue about why she should not talk to you like that.
Explain that punishing her hurts you as well and you don't want to do it.

Say she's very young and leaning and the next time she wants to say somethings hurtful can she try and hold it back or say blooming buttercups or something....

Say you understand she's still leaning but can she start to try.

Big hug tell her you love her.

This is how I started to turn around my dd.

GobbolinoCat · 14/06/2023 20:06

After this I would stop taking the phone but perhaps after a week say you would like to put some rules in about it... Limit it's use.

Do things gradually and gently.

wildfirewonder · 14/06/2023 20:08

Yes I think you were too harsh tonight, I would not have sent the friend away. But if have said no friends for a while as you were too rude.

You have to be clear and consistent.

I would also remove the phone.

Aria999 · 14/06/2023 20:10

@mauveiscurious what is that supposed to mean?

mauveiscurious · 14/06/2023 20:10

The amount of the inappropriate information and bullying these young children get over phones is worrying, these kids need time to develop without these influences

Original poster

jelmar · 14/06/2023 20:11

What has phone use actually got to do with it? I haven't stated how much time she is allowed the phone/what limits are in place, so you're assuming there's none.

My question was regarding consequences.

OP posts:

Rafferty10 · 14/06/2023 20:12

I found setting clear expectations of behaviour and consequences for not, and sticking to them come what may.
(so set them carefully)

Two categories
House rules

eg; do not yell at me, if you do then lose 1 hour TV time/activity.
Doing chores daily, if not done then lose Tv time/activity
Backchatting, one warning then immediate loss of phone and tv for rest of day.
Keep backchatting lose phone and tv for another day and so on.

These are just ideas...you will know what is appropriate.

Expectations of behavior,
before an outing l used to lay out my expectations of behaviour ie in the case of friend over, before she arrives say, whilst x is here l expect you to be polite to me and do as you are asked, come for lunch when called/stick to any home rules/ games not allowed/any rooms not to be entered.
If you do not you will get one warning then if you still disobey l will take x home straightaway.

You must NEVER cave in, and stay calm. so plan the consequences to ensure you can follow through.

Remember you are preparing her for life in the real world where people will not pander to her, so you are doing her a favour by teaching consequences of actions and boundaries.

Lastly she will not love you any less, although she may kick up to begin with.

mauveiscurious · 14/06/2023 20:14

jelmar · 14/06/2023 20:11

What has phone use actually got to do with it? I haven't stated how much time she is allowed the phone/what limits are in place, so you're assuming there's none.

My question was regarding consequences.

It's to do with development and behaviour

Original poster

jelmar · 14/06/2023 20:17

@mauveiscurious but you don't know my daughter or her screen time activity so give it a rest eh

OP posts:

HowardKirksConscience · 14/06/2023 20:22

jelmar · 14/06/2023 20:17

@mauveiscurious but you don't know my daughter or her screen time activity so give it a rest eh

Does she get her arsey attitude from you?

queenMab99 · 14/06/2023 20:25

I don't think you were too harsh, you warned her if she didn't stop, that you would send her friend home, she didn't stop so you sent her friend home. Meaning what you say, and carrying it out, is important. It is also crucial not to say you will do something, and then find it impossible. She may still be furious at the moment, but she knows that you are in charge, and it will sink in presently. Having friends round after school is a privilege, she was rude and cheeky to you, the privilege is withdrawn until she can behave nicely.

GobbolinoCat · 14/06/2023 20:25

Re previous poster and don't be rude to me that's loss of TV..

I can't see how that works except on a very superficial level.

You need to gradually make her want to not be rude.

Also try and get anything praise in where you can... And turn things positive.

JanuarySnow · 14/06/2023 20:25

I feel this so much, my dd is 11. Always been a ray of sunshine and never really disciplined her as didn't need to. She really was like my little friend.

Now she's hit puberty and pushing boundaries. When I try to enforce rules and actually parent she loses the plot. Wish I'd been stricter earlier!

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/06/2023 20:26

What exactly do you mean by "talking back"? I think a lot of parents place far too much importance on getting the last word (which is basically what this comes down to).

If she's doing as you told her to do (eg, handing over her phone) and just complaining or face saving a bit about it by claiming she doesn't care, I'd let that one go. Parents should be above the petty, childish, last word stuff. She might have to do as you say but she doesn't need to pretend to be delighted about it. It's kind of authoritarian to insist that you are always obeyed with absolutely no suggestion of any reluctance.

If she's shouting abuse, obviously that's a different matter.

I'm not accusing you of anything, but kids do generally copy what they see at home even if they don't realise it, so if there are behavioural problems, look to see how you handle conflict, stress etc. Leading by example is always the best thing you can do.

007DoubleOSeven · 14/06/2023 20:29

jelmar · 14/06/2023 20:17

@mauveiscurious but you don't know my daughter or her screen time activity so give it a rest eh

Well you asked for us to discipline her for you and your opening post suggested that boundaries were both poor and porous. No one is attacking you so no need to be so defensive.

Alargeoneplease89 · 14/06/2023 20:30

jelmar · 14/06/2023 20:17

@mauveiscurious but you don't know my daughter or her screen time activity so give it a rest eh

Can't see were the attitude comes from 😂

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/06/2023 20:31

GobbolinoCat · 14/06/2023 20:25

Re previous poster and don't be rude to me that's loss of TV..

I can't see how that works except on a very superficial level.

You need to gradually make her want to not be rude.

Also try and get anything praise in where you can... And turn things positive.

Yeah, I agree. Asking what punishments should be is really the wrong question. Asking where the behaviour comes from and how it can be prevented in the first place is better.

Positive reinforcement, leading by example. It's very very hard to be self aware of the example we set. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but it is striking how many parents don't realise that their kids are only doing what they do....and asking how to punish it away isn't the way to deal with it. You're the parent and grown up, they take their lead from you.

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