To ask you to discipline my child?

[jelmar]

Will try keep it short.

I'm a single mum to a 10 year old daughter, dad is involved, she sees him quite frequently. She isn't often cheeky to him.

She is definitely going through puberty already as she is showing signs.

I've messed up in that I've tried to be too much like a friend to her. I never had a close relationship with my mum so always thought I wanted to change this with my daughter.

However, she has absolutely no respect for me. She leaves everything at her arse and the talking back is horrendous. I just don't know how to pick a consequence and stick to it. I always feel I'm being too harsh or not harsh enough.

For instance tonight her friend was here and she kept talking back to me. I said, 'DD if you continue talking back I'll send your friend home' she said 'no you won't'. So of course I sent her friend home. However, she then continued crying and screaming and begging me to change my mind then when I wouldn't, she would say 'this is why everyone hates you'.

So tonight has ended with her not having her friend here, not having a phone/tv and being up on her room.

But I just don't know if it's too much. I've read about natural consequences but I can't think of a natural consequence of talking back.

Sometimes I'll take her phone from her and she'll say, 'I don't care, I wasn't going to watch it tonight anyways' etc. it's like she's testing me.

I'm clueless on what to do, I feel I have completely lost control.

Please help

@Royalbloo sorry if I didn't articulate it well. I meant it would have been awkward for a friend and friend's parent. I would never punish this way and make others feel awkward nor would I give a child a silent treatment like it has been suggested on this thread

I would say having been through this and out the other side that
You need to pick your battles

Never ever ever make a threat you are not prepared to carry out. So well done for sending the friend home because you warned her and when the warning was ignored you carried out your threat. It might make her think twice before doing it again. It's silly showing off but my DDs being rude to me in front of their friends was a hard line for me.

When they're doing something good praise them for it. (Reinforce good behaviour)

Also try not to raise your voice and shout if you possibly can. It's vital you remain the grown up and it not descend into a slanging match.

I came from a very shouty home and it was lots of unnecessary drama from my mum and brother all the time. I've had to learn as I went along as this was all new to me, but everyone does better in a quiet calm home environment where things are discussed rather than automatically turn into arguments.

My mum did that. That's why I was a messed up anxious child, still have issues and have virtually no relationship with her other than a brief duty visit maybe every six weeks.

If a man gives his partner the silent treatment, mumsnet is unanimous in saying that he's abusive. And they're right. So was my mum.

What exactly is the back chat? Is it just moaning or is it disrespectful stuff? Sometimes kids copy things they've seen on TV or read online and they don't realise how unacceptable it is in the real world. In particular some of the comments kids make in American programmes/films are dreadful. I think it's important to point out, in a helpful tone, the impression these things have on other people.

@Nasolabial

When I say it I mean my kids leave stuff out of place 😂 so if they come in and throw their school bag on the hallway floor then wander off I might say ‘Christ does everyone in this house just leave everything at their arse?’ Or leaving finished with cups on the table and walking away from them.

Ah ok. Thank you!

I was just going to say this too as my parents did the same to me. Looking back now I realise how abusive and awful it was and it’s one of the main reasons why I’m so anxious and avoid arguments/confrontation at all costs. I also now don’t have a great relationship with my parents and would not recommend that method of dealing with it at all

The silent treatment and sending her away is an unacceptable punishment in my book.

Maybe you could set your own boundaries instead. If your dd is being rude and disrespectful, set a boundary like "I will not accept being talked to that way" and then remove yourself from the interaction. I have found that when my dc's became stroppy frontal lobe-less beings, this was far more effective than any punishment.

Parenting teens is a whole different ball game. I have boys (also single mum) and they tend to be very differently wired at this age but here's a few things that work for me:

• device parental controls: this takes time and effort on your part to set up but I have controls on EVERYTHING... Xbox, phone, wifi etc. This means that devices automatically have limits rather than me "taking it away" and then I can reward good behaviour by adding time rather than punishing bad behaviour
• switching the situation: at this age the hormones can overwhelm (actually at mine too but that's another story) and poor reactions can be down to this. I find just taking them out for a walk or doing something different really helps. I am often found tramping to the shops with grumpy teens who then settle down and become normal after a 20 mins walk. Side note it seems to worn best when it's a purposeful walk so I will walk to some shops far away to buy something "important"
• sleep: many teens these days are sleep deprived due to devices etc. I force everyone to go to their rooms at a decent time and all chargers for devices including mine are in the kitchen ... Role model what you want to see
• understanding: there are a load of excellent books on teen brains which are going through a remarkable set of changes, personally I found it easier to handle situations when I understood what was going on

Hope it helps and good luck!

Why does she need a phone? We removed all tech for 3 months from all 4 kids. The change in behavior was radical.

haven't read all the thread but from your OP., sounds like you are doing grand. the punishment/consequence for her back chat seems exactly appropriate. not sure why you are doubting yourself. you stuck to your guns. you've just got to keep doing it over and over. it's hard work and often seems like it isn't working...but they eventually, mostly grow into pleasant humans