To ask how to make friends for my dc?

[catscalledbeanz]

My dd is 12, and she has no friends. She's become so isolated and unhappy at school. She listens to music or reads alone every break and dinner. She occasionally has one friend but they more often leave her for others. She's not perfect, and can be very reactive which makes her an absolute easy target for bullies. Her emotions are all over her face, she can't hide if she's angry or upset, and it makes her more of a victim as they love the reaction. When she has had friends she quickly loses them- one she caught out in a lie and didn't want to be friends with a liar (I told her beggars can't be choosers!) another one she lost because she (the other child) was talking about others behind their back which dd hated and told her as much (yes she should have said nothing and kept the friend) I know that this sense of injustice can come across as judgemental and overbearing , I've tried to get her to let things go and relax but even if she weren't so ready to call people out on their bad behaviour her face would tell you how she feels anyway.

After her first year in secondary coming to an end I want to look into moving schools, but dh feels that it'll be the same anywhere. They'll already have made friendship groups and it will be impossible for her to fit in. I'm at a loss as to how to teach her to make friends. Any advice on how to get her to chill? Or should I look into changing schools? Her older brother never had any issues, but he's so laid back and takes everything in his stride, whereas she is sensitive and highly strung.

I know you're trying to help her but it reads like you don't like her yourself and feel she's to blame for not having friends? Are there any learning difficulties at play or anxiety?

My advice would be to talk to her about how life is unfair and that no-one out there is perfect, including her

The reasons she fell out with those 2 friends are extremely strange for a 12 year old. Everyone lies, every day - in some capacity, her included.

How has she got such an idealized view of what people should be like?

Could she take part in some extra curricular activities both inside and outside school? I fear she's not going to be happy in any friendship if she feels she can't be herself in it.

I don't think you should be judging the social situations for her and telling her what to do. You should be the listening ear for her. Validate her feelings and be supportive with what she decides to do as she's the one who has to live with it. Otherwise she will stop talking to you.

I think it's really important for her to have extra curricular activities that she enjoys. See what there is local and encourage her to join them but make sure she actually wants to do it. Enjoying something means she'll be her best version of herself so other people are more likely to warm to her. She will grow in confidence as she learns something new and life won't all be about school.

I would agree with extra curriculars

I do like her! I love her, but wanted to be honest about what's happening. I tried not to be biased, not to give the impression I don't like her! She is my daughter and of course she is great.

She has no learning difficulties, or special needs. She is highly strung and often anxious though. A complete perfectionist.

I know these are every day things, and that her reaction is over the top. I do try to explain that we are fallible . I think that having no best friend, or friendship group, and being bullied has led to this level of sensitivity as a form of self protection. She doesn't trust the other children and I think she's self sabotaging instead.

Have you spoken to the school?

She did gymnastics for while, and enjoyed it, but never made friends. She enjoyed netball but a school bully from her year also joined and told all the other girls her mean nickname (think four eyes etc) which meant she didn't want to go. Same happened in girl guides. She on the waiting list for swimming club. There aren't any other extra curricular activities locally that I can afford.

Since her sensitivity is due to her bullying she needs counselling. Her sensitivity isn't going to just go away by you explaining to her that her reaction is over the top. Her reaction is not over the top of you take it into context of her bullying.

Yes I've spoken to the school. They say she isolates herself but is "happy". As she's no longer directly bullied they don't she an issue beyond "has she tried making friends?" As a suggestion. This is one of the reasons I'm considering a new school. So she can have a fresh start with people who dont associate her with the bullying or since the bullying stopped, with being the loner in the corner with a book.

Try afterschool activities. I hated school people but made loads of friends in afterschool stuff

Scouts
St johns/red Cross
Aircadets/sea cadets

I’d love to know the answer. My dd is the same. She does have friends as in individual friends who are not in her year. Then friends who she’s not in a class with. She made friends in Year 7, but one friend lied about her and believed her other friend and another set abandoned her. She seems to get left out of things.
Some of her individual friends are in groups and she gets left out then too as the others ignore her 😔

DN had a lot of trouble making friends at primary school and into secondary. She’d be very quick to disagree with people or be quite intense. Her parents weren’t bothered but I’m very close to her and it obviously did bother her so I did quite a lot of social skills stuff with her which did really help.

She also joined lots or extra curriculum stuff and volunteered in the library. She has never formed a large circle of friends but certainly does have some and has really developed her skills and is a lovely young woman. Her closest friends are away from school.

Changing schools may help but only if you help her with ani issues she may have. Many people want less friends than we do ourselves and that’s ok too.

You really said beggars can't be choosers to your own kid. Yeesh. Assuming you like her more than your words suggest, my advice would be to get her into new environments where she can meet new kids from different schools - after school clubs and activities.

I agree with extra curricular - maybe something arty or creative, would she be interested in a choir or drama class? Maybe yoga to help with her anxiety. Some kids take longer to find their tribe & it can be easier in an environment where you have a shared interest. I think I’d focus on helping her find hobbies that would help her feel relaxed, happy & fulfilled - rather on seeking out friends specifically, so, see finding new friends as a happy byproduct of enjoying the extra curricular stuff rather than the aim of it, if you see what I mean.

If she’s a big reader, maybe a creative writing group. Or the library might even do a book club.

Speak to school again. In this situation as a Head of Year, I’d look into doing a couple of things.

1. Some social engineering. I’d ask her who she likes or would like to be friends with and then I’d ask teachers - if possible - to sit your child and the child/ren she likes next to each other in a couple of lessons. See how that goes.
2. If nothing improves, I’d look for a fresh start in a new form group. In Y7 they are likely to spend a lot of time as a form so this could be nice ‘shake up’ of the children she encounters day to day.

I also second the advice about extra curricular activities being a good source of friends. It’s easier to make friends if you’re doing something you both enjoy and have in common.

No I don't say the words beggars can't be choosers! I was paraphrasing, I gently explained that not everyone is perfect and perhaps it is worth making up with x because it's better to look at her positive traits and keep their friendship than it is to focus on the one negative and self exclude. I explained that friends don't have to be perfect, no one is. Sorry I didn't mean to be flippant just didn't want to write an essay!

Poor kid that's a lot to deal with.
Firstly I think it's brilliant & admirable that she's not tolerating meanness behind others backs or children who lie, it's a real pity there aren't a few more children like her out there - there would be far fewer bullies. I don't agree with the say nothing & accept it approach that's why horrible people develop because they were never called out on their behaviour. Think of the lessons your daughter is teaching you here!

However, in saying that she can maintain her morals without necessarily alienating people. She can call them out on it by saying it's not nice behaviour & how would they feel if tables were turned without burning the friendship. If that's what SHE wants. Kids do have to learn & maybe they're not getting all of those lessons from their parents so they are entitled to a 2nd chance, sometimes more. Does she understand that & is she prepared to offer it. If not then she could learn also to be more compassionate in that respect.

Moving schools does offer an opportunity for her to be whatever version of herself she likes. Have you asked her what does she think about moving? But if she likes this version of herself then you need to support that. Find interests where she may find others to click with, it may not be the most obvious such as what she's done already. What about Scouts where there's a mix rather than solely or predominantly girls groups.

Does She feel like she's the loner in the corner or is that your perception of her?

She sounds similar to my friend's DD. Very fixed, inflexible mindset: there is a right and a wrong way to go about everything and she'll jump straight in and correct anyone who she thinks is in the wrong! She is also kind and very motivated to be good and do the right thing, but it's easy to see why other children/teens struggle to be friends with her.

She is 15 or 16 at the moment and still struggling I'm afraid, but has found some help since receiving an autism diagnosis. Safe online spaces organised around her interests and friendships with older/younger children have helped.

She feel alike the loner. She said today that she sits with x in every class so she thought they were friends, but x leaves her at the end of class and she's alone again. She said "I'm always on my own in the corner" and she says that a lot. I think she'd like to change schools. It's been suggested before when the bullying was bad, but it settled down and they allocated x to sit by her and she seems happy sometimes. But she's not. She's lonely.

Dh is against the option of a move. Schools here are all shit tbh. He fears it's out of the frying pan into the fire. At least in this school the teachers LOVE her and she loves them. She's academically brilliant, and despite her loneliness, she is confident, well spoken and eager in school. She's volunteered to be on school council, she plays in the band, she auditions for the plays, she has been chosen to read/ sing/ recite poetry and music on behalf of the school in competitions. But she does all that and remains socially on the outskirts.

She sounds like a great kid. I know you mentioned the cost being a potential problem with extra curricular - is there any theatre/ art gallery/ museums near you? If they get Arts Council funding, they often run subsidised groups for young people doing volunteering/ creative writing/ art/ drama etc. They are not always v well publicised & often attract bright, keen kids so I think your DD may fit in.

She’s being bullied so I would move her definitely

Is there a young people’s theatre group she could join? These kind of groups are often good for friendships because everyone is working together and tend to support each other.

Or an out of school band but that’s not as social.

She sounds sorted and principled. Is she unhappy that she doesn’t have any friends?