To ask how to make friends for my dc?

[catscalledbeanz]

My dd is 12, and she has no friends. She's become so isolated and unhappy at school. She listens to music or reads alone every break and dinner. She occasionally has one friend but they more often leave her for others. She's not perfect, and can be very reactive which makes her an absolute easy target for bullies. Her emotions are all over her face, she can't hide if she's angry or upset, and it makes her more of a victim as they love the reaction. When she has had friends she quickly loses them- one she caught out in a lie and didn't want to be friends with a liar (I told her beggars can't be choosers!) another one she lost because she (the other child) was talking about others behind their back which dd hated and told her as much (yes she should have said nothing and kept the friend) I know that this sense of injustice can come across as judgemental and overbearing , I've tried to get her to let things go and relax but even if she weren't so ready to call people out on their bad behaviour her face would tell you how she feels anyway.

After her first year in secondary coming to an end I want to look into moving schools, but dh feels that it'll be the same anywhere. They'll already have made friendship groups and it will be impossible for her to fit in. I'm at a loss as to how to teach her to make friends. Any advice on how to get her to chill? Or should I look into changing schools? Her older brother never had any issues, but he's so laid back and takes everything in his stride, whereas she is sensitive and highly strung.

I regret not pursuing scholarship to private. I've just been looking at the requirements for my closest for academic scholarship are over 130 in one of the standardised tests. She got 140 as her lowest in the Welsh component. English math and science all higher again. I kick myself. The application is for year 7 and 12 only.

My friendships are fine I think. I have many friends, though only a few truly close friends. But I socialise in work, and privately. We have parties and meet other families for picnics etc. that all said I am a people pleaser. And whilst I do wish I didn't care so much about her friendships, and certainly try not to show her- I do. My other two not so much. But it's really true in my opinion that as a parent, you are only as happy as your least happy child.

Does the school set by ability in older years? If so she might be sat with different people in year 8 and more so in 9 10 which might help. Is there only one guides locally. Army navy cadets might suit her if she likes rigid rules.

Sounds like she likes her own company and school might just not be her thing. She can still find her tribe later in life. Female friendships are hard to navigate T that age and she's actually right to stand up to some of these girls and say what she thinks. But tgst doesn't go down well with teenagers.what about your friends , do they have kids she can hang out with? Or cousins?

@catscalledbeanz I've just been looking at the requirements for my closest for academic scholarship are over 130 in one of the standardised tests. She got 140 as her lowest in the Welsh component. English math and science all higher again. I kick myself. The application is for year 7 and 12 only.

I won't jump in again :-) but just wanted to say - it's worth asking if they have any bursaries or special funds, plus year 8 entry, and explaining your daughter's very unusual circumstances. It is probably not be possible, of course, but if there were a 1% chance, it would be worth making an inquiry, surely. It's sad that life is all hustle nowadays, but occasionally it pays off.

You're not wrong and I absolutely will. What's more I'm confident that her head of year/ teachers would really offer her huge recommendation. I'll draft an email and ask for a tour. Thank you all again.

They say she isolates herself but is "happy"
Bollocks. Nobody is happy when they’re being excluded. Does she really isolate herself, because it sounds like she’s being excluded and they don’t want to deal with it. And I’d be willing to bet there’s some low level bullying going on even if the school doesn’t see it. Snarky comments and the occasional slap when nobody is looking. Believe me, being excluded during these formative years affects the entire rest of your life.

I would switch her to another school so she can start over. Have you considered the possibility of high functioning autism? It sounds like a classic case - smart but quiet with no friends, behaving and working in school so the fact that she’s unhappy just gets ignored. Have a look at how autism present’s differently in girls.

You could be talking about my DS - a bit older (year 9)

We're going through an awful time with him currently, he's very down and has no friends outside of school (and very few inside). The few friends he has inside are children he's been pally with for a very long time, but for the last couple of years they've started ignoring him out of school. He'll try and arrange to meet up and they don't even reply.
It's heart breaking, he spends so much time alienated.
Like your daughter he has a strong moral compass and unfortunately (fortunately?!) he will say something if he doesn't like someone's behaviour. I suspect his "friends" have given up on him.

His mental health is now so low we've just started a CAMHS referral, we've suspected ASD for a while.

I've spoken to school and they recommended a couple of after school clubs that he might enjoy (he's not remotely sporty so it's difficult to find out of school stuff) so he's started debate club and is about to try chess. I'm sure at some point he'll find his "tribe" In the meantime we'll manage his tears and disappointment .

We have contemplated moving schools, but I really don't think he'll cope with that. At least at the moment he has these "friends" who spend lunch with him etc, he could risk having no one if he moves school. It is there on the back burner though if we need it.

Wishing you well OP, it's heart breaking when they're so sad

I agree with your DH. A change of school, unless you have significant evidence that it will be better is not going to solve this. It's just going to take away the things that already make school bearable. You could persue asd diagnosis or chase up the school for some social skills support. My DD gets something like this through school.

OP, given the different presentation in girls, I don't think you'd necessarily struggle to get a referral for assessment, particularly if there is a family history? It does sound like you are describing difficulties with social interactions arising from a more rigid and black and white mode of thinking than is neurotypical. (NB. Lots of autistic kids can hold good eye contact and don't obviously stim). Have you spoken to your GP, as school don't necessarily need to drive this?

The transition to secondary is so completely brutal in exposing and magnifying any differences around social communications and social understanding. Personally I'd prioritise finding out more about what might be going on for DD, how she functions and what she needs socially, because support strategies, including help with social understanding, need to work with the grain of who she is, and to help her with self-knowledge and self-compassion. Different kids need different things from social relationships, so I'd also keep an open mind on what good will look like for your DD.

There's a lot more understanding of presentations in girls now - have a look at Tony Attwood or the Girls Autism Network for ideas about friendships.

Another vote for cadets

Reading your op I thought asd straight away and then you say down further that you suspect it yourself. Your right that a diagnosis will be difficult to get seeing as though she functions do well, but it doesn't mean there's nothing you can do. You need to teach her how to function in social situations, she won't be picking up on the subtle queues etc that others are giving off. I was her as a teenager and I wish someone had taught me these things, I had to learn them the really hard way. Lesson one needs to be about being blunt, while is a great trait , saying things straight out hurts peoples feelings, even if what she's saying is true. Also what you said earlier , nobody is perfect and they are all teenagers but they might not be as mature as her yet. I think maybe telling her these things might help her function better in her peer group, that's if she wants too. For a lot of my teens I was happy to just sit as read.

My DD is in year seven and has struggled with making friends. I can recommend a book I found on Amazon...it's called how to make and keep friends...it's aimed at children. Give lots of practical advice for how to handle social situations.

Sorry to hear this OP. My sister had exactly the same at school - down to the similar fallings out about lies and injustice etc. Pretty sure she has ASD, as PP have suggested for your DD. Hopefully she’ll find her tribe.

Another one here who went straight to ASD.
the fixed thinking, inflexibility and high anxiety would be classic traits in a young woman. Lack of eye contact is often more of a boy trait.
there’s a good book called Aspie Girls which might be helpful.
also websites - girl with the curly hair, girls under the radar
and a fab YouTuber called Yo Samdy Sam, a young woman with recently diagnosed ASD.