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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let this be a dealbreaker?

63 replies

ECJW96 · 14/06/2023 08:16

I’ve just recently started dating someone, who I knew was really passionate and into their hobby (a sport) but I didn’t realise how much until they got their timetable for games etc - it turns out they will be busy every single weekend for the next 2/3 months.

I was a little bit concerned by this as we don’t live very close to each other (about 2-3 hours) and both work during the week so it’s not like we can just pop and see each other whenever we like - I told them how I felt and that it’s hard to get to know someone and potentially build a relationship with someone when you barely see them. They understood where I was coming from and said they will compromise but that compromise was just a couple of hours here and there which for me I don’t know if it’s enough, especially this early on in something. They also said that if I’m going to find it an issue to let them know so we don’t get hurt later on down the line and for me that felt like even if we was in a relationship that this hobby would come first as a priority. I also said that I’d be happy to go to some of these games but I’m a single parent and the other parent isn’t involved and my child has additional needs and doesn’t always cope well with travel so there’s only so much I can practically do.

The thing is I really like them, and could potentially see myself with them long term and I’m definitely not one to give an ultimatum or anything like that - so I guess do I let this be a dealbreaker or do I stick with it and just make that sacrifice of not seeing them very much for the next 2/3 months and see how it goes?

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 14/06/2023 08:21

Is it something that will occupy him for 2/3 months every year? If it is it'll become more of a problem down the line.

musicforthesoul · 14/06/2023 08:21

I'd probably let it be a dealbreaker. He's been upfront that it is for him right?

It won't just be this year, it will be every year. If you're OK with that then go ahead but I wouldn't be willing to lose every summer weekend as a couple each year.

user1483387154 · 14/06/2023 08:21

This is not the relationship you need, he may be awesome but your expectations of him do not work with his

Pollywoddles · 14/06/2023 08:22

I think if it’s concerning you this early on then you should listen to yourself.

I married a former semi-pro athlete who is still extremely passionate about their sport but there’s no way he would have let it impact our relationship and even though he still plays, he fits it around our life and always makes sure it suits. I don’t get that impression from your partner and I don’t think you do either.

BlondeFool · 14/06/2023 08:23

Sounds like the distance, his sport and your child will be tricky to make it work.

HandsupSue · 14/06/2023 08:31

He’s with someone who has limited availability and can’t compromise on that.

He can compromise and he did but you don’t think enough

You aren’t unreasonable to want more
He is not unreasonable to not give more

Aprilx · 14/06/2023 08:35

I think you are going to be wasting your time on this.

samestyle · 14/06/2023 08:36

It's a dealbreaker, find someone closer and has more time for a relationship

HandsupSue · 14/06/2023 08:36

You say recently started dating

how “recent”?

AP5Diva · 14/06/2023 08:36

It’s not really a deal breaker so much as a nonstarter. He’s been honest that his hobby is his passion. You’re not unreasonable to want more in a partner- now and in future.

Cosyblankets · 14/06/2023 08:43

He's been open and honest about it
Neither of you are unreasonable you just want different things

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/06/2023 08:46

Every weekend as in both Saturday and Sunday for the whole of the day? What sport is this, cricket?

Jennna · 14/06/2023 08:49

Yeah it's probably going to always be an issue, I'm thinking it won't just be 2/3 months....its a hobby his life will probably always look like this. He's fine to want to keep his hobby, you're fine to say it doesn't match your expectations. I dont think you're compatible.

Balloonmoons · 14/06/2023 08:51

It's fine if it's a dealbreaker for you, you know what you'd be happy with or wouldn't. Personally I'd assume they won't give up their sport so consider how to work around it and whether you want to. I have a friend who is married to someone similar, it works well for them though as she has a hobby she often does and is generally a 'busy' person, they lived close by when they started dating so would have time during the week and evenings etc together and don't want children so didn't need to consider the implications of that.

FloofCloud · 14/06/2023 11:18

I did this with my boyfriend 27 years ago, most weekends for about 5 months a year ... I just used to go along, it was good, I did a lot of travelling around the UK too and some abroad, we're now married and the kids enjoy that sport too lol 😆

wendyjoy · 14/06/2023 15:27

The OP referred to them as " They" why are people assuming it's a male?

Fiddlerdragon · 14/06/2023 15:52

wendyjoy · 14/06/2023 15:27

The OP referred to them as " They" why are people assuming it's a male?

Because statistically it’s more likely to be. The only relationships I know personally that have broken down due to the girlfriends hobby’s, are the ones where the girlfriends own horses.
Op you need to face facts, this isn’t just for 2-3 months, this is literally his whole life, and he’s told you so. My sister got with someone like that, his hobbies are football, pool and darts. He spent an ungodly amount of time either on the pitch or in the pub. She decided he was worth being 4th best for, married him and had two children. Instead of spending more time and home he now spends far less. Instead of just playing these sports he’s now heavily involved in the club/event organising side of things. My sister told him that every day he went to one of his clubs instead of coming home to her and the kids he’d be spending the night on the couch, he’s been on that couch for two years now

IncompleteSenten · 14/06/2023 15:55

Well they've been very clear with you what their priorities are and that's fine.
You have to decide whether you're ok with your position on that list.

OhComeOnFFS · 14/06/2023 15:57

You won't see him for a few months, then? In that case I'd let it die down, look around and feel free to date in the meantime and then pick it up later if nobody else is around.

If you were living together, would that level of activity bother you?

Hankunamatata · 14/06/2023 16:07

I'd say the distance is an issue combined with sport.

NotMyDayJob · 14/06/2023 16:18

I had an ex like this, he spent nearly every weekend doing SPORT (not cycling on football, actually for once, genuinely outing). It was fine because we were young, but even then I found it a bit frustrating I only saw him on the weekend once every few months. It's not why we broke up, but it would have been a problem if we hadn't. The sport would always come before me, I understand on the grapevine (from many years ago) he ended up marrying someone who also did the sport, so he never did have to compromise on it. She can do it with him, and is probably a lot more understanding when she can't. But if you don't live close to them (him?) and the sport is that frequent, you'll never be the priority.

40friedfish · 14/06/2023 16:21

Don't waste your time.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 14/06/2023 16:23

I'd worry this was how they spent every weekend, not just the next 2 or 3 months to be honest. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who was barely home on a weekend due to a hobby.

fuckip · 14/06/2023 16:27

Well you just won't be able to build a relationship if they're always busy.

TheOrigRights · 14/06/2023 16:39

Is it cricket? I'm trying to think of a summer sport that takes up every weekend.

Why did he start a relationship if he's not actually available?

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