To let this be a dealbreaker?

[ECJW96]

I’ve just recently started dating someone, who I knew was really passionate and into their hobby (a sport) but I didn’t realise how much until they got their timetable for games etc - it turns out they will be busy every single weekend for the next 2/3 months.

I was a little bit concerned by this as we don’t live very close to each other (about 2-3 hours) and both work during the week so it’s not like we can just pop and see each other whenever we like - I told them how I felt and that it’s hard to get to know someone and potentially build a relationship with someone when you barely see them. They understood where I was coming from and said they will compromise but that compromise was just a couple of hours here and there which for me I don’t know if it’s enough, especially this early on in something. They also said that if I’m going to find it an issue to let them know so we don’t get hurt later on down the line and for me that felt like even if we was in a relationship that this hobby would come first as a priority. I also said that I’d be happy to go to some of these games but I’m a single parent and the other parent isn’t involved and my child has additional needs and doesn’t always cope well with travel so there’s only so much I can practically do.

The thing is I really like them, and could potentially see myself with them long term and I’m definitely not one to give an ultimatum or anything like that - so I guess do I let this be a dealbreaker or do I stick with it and just make that sacrifice of not seeing them very much for the next 2/3 months and see how it goes?

"They understood where I was coming from and said they will compromise but that compromise was just a couple of hours here and there which for me I don’t know if it’s enough, especially this early on in something. They also said that if I’m going to find it an issue to let them know so we don’t get hurt later on down the line and for me that felt like even if we was in a relationship that this hobby would come first as a priority."

Yes, their primary relationship is with their hobby. That's what they meant by "if I’m going to find it an issue to let them know so we don’t get hurt later on" - it's a dealbreaker for them too. They expect their partner to put up and shut up, the hobby comes first.

"The thing is I really like them, and could potentially see myself with them long term"
Honestly, it doesn't really matter how much you like them; they don't like you ENOUGH to make a relationship with you any sort of priority. It's not personal about you - nobody will ever displace that hobby from their priorities. You would always be playing second fiddle to the hobby. I can't even imagine how much that would destroy my self-confidence if I was with them long-term.

I would break it off now, you are incompatible to each other. Well, their priorities are incompatible with having a relationship of any depth, which amounts to the same thing.

They also said that if I’m going to find it an issue to let them know so we don’t get hurt later on down the line and for me that felt like even if we was in a relationship that this hobby would come first as a priority. I also said that I’d be happy to go to some of these games but I’m a single parent and the other parent isn’t involved and my child has additional needs and doesn’t always cope well with travel so there’s only so much I can practically do

He has told you everything you need to know right there. (I'm going to say he because they irritates the fucking life out of me. If they are a woman you could have said she, but I'd bet it's a man based on the type of hobby it is and the attitude along with it).

He does not have sufficient time to be in a relationship with you and his compromise is a couple of hours here and there, but you already have the issue of distance and you being a single parent, so you've got additional layers of difficulty here before you even start addressing the issue of the hobby.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who never had a single weekend free in the summer to spend with me because those are the days when the weather is lovely and you can do nice things together outdoors.
I was with someone who prioritized hobbies over the relationship and it was fucking awful. I felt like I was having to beg to get him to put a weekend in the calendar when we could do something together. Awful - having to book in time with Mr Oh So Important Hobbymaster months in advance.

OP, this is a non-starter never mind a dealbreaker. Yeah, he might be nice and so on but this will just end up being a constant source of arguments.

It's not personal about you - nobody will ever displace that hobby from their priorities. You would always be playing second fiddle to the hobby.

totally disagree.
Not a CHANCE a man would get in the way of my absolute love of yoga during my twenties. I was practising as much as I could and over the weekend… both Saturday and Sunday I would do 2-3 sessions where you focus on one area.

then I met my future husband

I initially dropped the Sat. Then the Sunday became an hour’s class. The mid week ones were hit and Miss because if there was a chance of doing out after work with him etc I would drop it all.

Same with him and his football.

that was the honeymoon period and gradually over time the intensity eases up. But never ever quite the same again.

So - disagree!

That was to @dickheed

Nah, you need to throw this one back. the thing is, this won’t change, and they’re being honest from the start - and it’s not ok for you, really.

Got to be cricket.

This is what life with him would be like.

It doesn't sound like it's something that your life/needs are compatible with.

So perhaps a dealbreaker with no hard feelings...

The 2-3 hours distance would be a dealbreaker for me, let alone the hobby.

Definitely a deal breaker and I also agree the distance is another dealbreaker.

If it is cricket, I can tell you on good authority (mum to cricket mad teenagers, daughter of an ex-county player and wife of a cricket fanatic) if he's so passionate & dedicated about it that he's telling you up front what it means to him then please listen as it won't change.

From end April to early September there is not one single Saturday off (bar possibly a close family wedding or funeral - you get the gist) there will be at least one, 2 if he's half decent, evening training session. And an afternoon of cricket is NEVER just an afternoon: There's at least 2 hours pre-match prep (oldies less so but younger/better players are there from 9:30am) vast distances to travel to away fixtures, matches typically last minimum 5 hours often far longer and then Post match de-brief/drinks are anyone's guess.
Oh and winter there is weekly training some clubs even play indoor league (put my foot down on that one ).

I knew what I was getting myself in for, my whole family are very involved with the club so it's a big part of our social life plus I have my own free time/hobbies. It works for us but I do always feel sorry for these blissfully unaware new girlfriends' following their new blokes half way around the country every Saturday

(Just adding that obviously the whole thing can repeat on a Sunday but only my kids play Sunday and that's if we don't have plans/CBA to run them around

"The thing is I really like them, and could potentially see myself with them long term"
Are you looking at this through the proverbial rose tinted glasses though? When you look long term do you imagine a future together where you enjoy spending time together, having fun in the daytime, going for nights out, going on summer holidays, or do you imagine a future where you both work all week then you spend every weekend at home while they do their hobby?

It would be a deal breaker for me. Every weekend for the whole summer is too much. That's not what I would what my life to be.

They're somewhat inflexible because of their hobby, you're somewhat inflexible because of kids, and you both have distance to contend with.

It's the combination of all 3 that would make it a non starter for me, each issue individually is workable.

Very few people would want to spend all their free time driving hours and sitting on sidelines for hours watching their partner, a full grown adult, taking part in a hobby. It's tedious enough doing that for DC's. Why would anyone choose to live their life literally on the sidelines watching someone else live their best life.

He’s more interested in the sport than he is in you. And this is the “everything’s fantastic, this person is wonderful” beginning of the relationship. Take the hint. You don’t have to make a clean break, just prioritise him to the degree he prioritises you. But don’t stop looking. There are other fish in the sea.

I was worried about being too outing - it’s a she and it’s footy…

Not really the point, but what football is happening every weekend over the summer?

Oh, is she in the World Cup?

That’s very harsh. I’m pretty sure anyone posting that their new relationship expected them to cut back on what they love then they’d be told he was unreasonable. Perhaps it’s how he mainly connects with friends.

this person loves their hobby and is open and honest about the commitment. They’ve offer to compromise but it’s not really right for a new person to try and get them to cut down too much.

they’re not at fault. Neither are you. Just one of those things.

What if he’d insisted you do that? And you’d regretted it?

This! Why is it them? They? It's plural?

Ah...thanks for clarifying.

You can’t think of a single example where “they” might be singular?

It doesn't matter what their gender is, or what the sport is.
You are not their priority. That's all you need to know.
Personally I'd chuck this one back.
Summer is some of the nicest weather in the U.K anyway... do you really want to be enjoying ALL of it without your partner, not doing any day trips in this weather etc?

But no one is “insisting” anything in this scenario.

and if in my situation, he’d have “insisted” then that honeymoon period would have come to a sharp and fatal conclusion