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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to resign

232 replies

Mossiebonbon · 13/06/2023 16:05

My husband works in a secondary school in pastoral care, whereby each year group is assigned a support member of staff. There are 5 Members of staff with the same role as him, he currently works with Y11.
Next year he has been assigned to work with Y8 , the year our daughter is in. My husband does not feel comfortable working with our daughters year group , potentially having to reprimand her friends for behavior or liaise with parents that he knows personally.

The head teacher has suggested he will have to resign if he doesn’t work with this year group. There is no explanation , to our knowledge, for why the other pastoral members of staff can’t swap to be with Y8. Headteacher just says she wants consistency.

AIBU to think headteacher cannot threaten my husband like this? I appreciate your comments

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 15/06/2023 00:02

I'd be interested to hear what your dh thinks should be done?

No, it's not ideal that his dc in in his Yr group, but presumably you were aware of this either when you applied for her school place, or he applied for his job (whichever was later) ?
It is pretty reasonable to expect that when "your" Yr group leave the school you then cycle round to the yr group that need a new pastoral lead - as you say, the system is that the Pastoral people stay with the yr group for their journey through school (after Yr7), so he can't avoid this year group without disrupting the relationship all the hundred of other pupils have with their pastoral lead.
The HT is right.

Harls1969 · 15/06/2023 04:59

Is it possible that he's not in favour for whatever reason? I've worked in a school where staff whose face didn't fit were put where they didn't want to be and told if they didn't like it they could leave. If a Head values staff, they don't do that. Maybe time to look at other schools?

Owl55 · 15/06/2023 07:36

Yes it may be awkward but that’s his job , out of possibly 180 children your daughter may only be close friends with 30 other children at the most .School is not being unreasonable .

Zonder · 15/06/2023 07:38

Did he speak to his union?

HandsupSue · 15/06/2023 11:31

I couldn’t resist an AS of the Op because I suspect that there is a lot more to this than the op is aware of ie… the school wouldn’t be sad to lose him for various reasons and this is an easy way out.

it would be appear he took on a very junior position on £21k FTE at the school 4 years ago having never worked in a pastoral role at a school before.

let me guess op, all the information you have received about this issue you have received from your DH’s mouth ie nothing at all in writing?

let me also guess that you DH wasn’t happy at the school in this job?

HandsupSue · 15/06/2023 11:32

I’d put money on

a) DH doesn’t want the job anymore but doesn’t want to tell op so he’s making out he’s being forced to resign
or
b) something has happened at the school or general poor performance and the school is throwing him a lifeline to resign rather than begin the hall rolling to be sacked

HandsupSue · 15/06/2023 11:33

Owl55 · 15/06/2023 07:36

Yes it may be awkward but that’s his job , out of possibly 180 children your daughter may only be close friends with 30 other children at the most .School is not being unreasonable .

30 close friends in year 8? Unlikely

Preps · 15/06/2023 11:43

I can't believe how many people seem to think at least one other staff member and 100s of children should be disrupted to avoid him professionally doing the job he's employed to do.

Yes, if there was a straightforward fix you'd avoid the situation but disrupting 100s of children to do so?

Preps · 15/06/2023 11:48

Preps · 15/06/2023 11:43

I can't believe how many people seem to think at least one other staff member and 100s of children should be disrupted to avoid him professionally doing the job he's employed to do.

Yes, if there was a straightforward fix you'd avoid the situation but disrupting 100s of children to do so?

With of course, the greatest impact on the most vulnerable

HandsupSue · 15/06/2023 11:50

So he joined before your daughter was at the school op

Did you intend to send her to the same secondary as him?

Preps · 15/06/2023 11:53

I've quite often had the "are you sure this is the right place for you?" conversation with staff in schools and elsewhere. It's not threatening them, it's just reality if they're unable or unwilling to do the job they're employed for.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 15/06/2023 12:35

Theunamedcat · 13/06/2023 16:16

It's not a case of doesn't want to work with that age group more a case of boundaries being crossed he will be open to allegations of abuse of power and favoritism "ohh that's x dad HE won't say anything because it's his daughter" or my dad's being mean to me at school 😉

Wtf is the head teacher thinking with here? Do they hold a grudge? Because most rational people can see the issues here

Personally I would find another school for both

This

Original poster
Mossiebonbon · 15/06/2023 19:24

Thanks to all… not aware how of any other ‘back story’ pretty trustworthy husband 🤣

OP posts:
HandsupSue · 15/06/2023 20:02

Mossiebonbon · 15/06/2023 19:24

Thanks to all… not aware how of any other ‘back story’ pretty trustworthy husband 🤣

Well sure OP. Ok.

So he’s highly regarded at the school and a real keeper then (despite evidence suggesting otherwise!)

Don’t bother with the union op
He needs to start job hunting

OliveToboogie · 15/06/2023 20:16

I taught for 27 years. I taught my daughter in secondary as she agreed to be in my class. However several SMT persons children also were pupils. Both kids and parents got on with it no issues.

Stripedbag101 · 15/06/2023 20:40

Mossiebonbon · 15/06/2023 19:24

Thanks to all… not aware how of any other ‘back story’ pretty trustworthy husband 🤣

OP this often happens when people come on to post on behalf of other people.

you can’t possibly know true full situation in someone else’s workplace.

I agree it is odd that a head teacher would jump to suggesting resignation in this situation. Which does suggest she would not be sorry to see your husband go.

we are all the heroes of our own life stories. I work with lots of people who are convinced they are superstars and whose partners must believe they are running the place. When the reality is a number of them are either mediocre performers, difficult to work with or both. And yes this trait is more prevalent in men (in my experience!).

If my boss reacted in this way I would be questioning my performance and value. But then again I am a self doubting woman😫

pollymere · 16/06/2023 03:55

I worked with a HOY who due to them deciding to change from keeping the same year would go through with a particular year group. He ended up being HOY for his DD and actually it worked fine. He did get embarrassed when she failed a uniform check due to skirt length but all her friends and her were totally chill about having him as their HOY and teacher. I think you DH is overreacting. There may be reasons why - it happened to my friend because someone was leaving and they wanted to give the new HOY Y7.

WombatChocolate · 16/06/2023 07:34

There’s a big difference between threatening, telling someone they must resign, suggesting they should resign, and telling someone that this is the job and if they don’t like it/it doesn’t suit them/they can’t fulfil the role then it might not be the job for them.

To be honest, it’s got to the point where some people dont like being asked to do their job, or being told that a request they’ve made can’t be accommodated….immediate calls to go to the union or write to the governors etc.

Really, there is nothing wrong or unusual with what they have been asked to do. And it really doesn’t sound like they have been threatened at all.

Preps · 16/06/2023 08:34

I.honestly think if he contacts the union he'll be told it's a reasonable request in line with his contract. He should check, of course, but IME unions don't get involved in cases they can't win.

HatchetJob · 16/06/2023 09:25

Exactly. Unless he can show that other staff have been moved/changed timetable away from their children there’s no complaint. If he has the same working conditions as everyone else there’s no case. If his changing years has an impact on other staff and children, he has no case.

UsingChangeofName · 16/06/2023 14:27

Agree with @WombatChocolate and also the following 2 posts.

Preps · 16/06/2023 16:58

So what did DH decide to do OP?

EyelessArseFace · 16/06/2023 17:15

PoppedNotFried · 13/06/2023 16:13

It’s not really a threat though is it?

I get his objections to what he’s been asked to do but it is a reasonable request. Therefore if he refuses to do it, his only other option is to resign or get dismissed for refusing to comply with a reasonable request.

That said, I’d hope the HT could be more flexible to avoid that kind of situation.

His request is entirely reasonable (and eminently sensible), yet the head has dismissed it out of hand and told him to resign if he doesn't like it, which doesn't seem particularly reasonable to me.

Hayliebells · 18/06/2023 07:37

WombatChocolate · 16/06/2023 07:34

There’s a big difference between threatening, telling someone they must resign, suggesting they should resign, and telling someone that this is the job and if they don’t like it/it doesn’t suit them/they can’t fulfil the role then it might not be the job for them.

To be honest, it’s got to the point where some people dont like being asked to do their job, or being told that a request they’ve made can’t be accommodated….immediate calls to go to the union or write to the governors etc.

Really, there is nothing wrong or unusual with what they have been asked to do. And it really doesn’t sound like they have been threatened at all.

Yes the OP doesn't really know exactly what the Head said to her husband. It's perfectly possible they were very measured in their response, but explained that ultimately, there wasn't going to be change of staff allocation so the only other option is to resign. But as a minimum, any Head who suggests resignation, probably wouldn't be broken hearted if they did resign. You don't suggest resignation to someone you want to keep. The outcome may be no different, even with their favourite member of staff, but they'd find another way of explaining the request was not going to be granted. The Head could just be very bad at dealing with this sort of thing, but keeping his head down and getting on with the job as best he can is probably the best course of action, unless he does want to resign. Going to the union, or making any further complaints, are highly unlikely to lead to the outcome that the OP's husband wants.

Grrrrdarling · 25/06/2023 12:21

Mossiebonbon · 13/06/2023 16:05

My husband works in a secondary school in pastoral care, whereby each year group is assigned a support member of staff. There are 5 Members of staff with the same role as him, he currently works with Y11.
Next year he has been assigned to work with Y8 , the year our daughter is in. My husband does not feel comfortable working with our daughters year group , potentially having to reprimand her friends for behavior or liaise with parents that he knows personally.

The head teacher has suggested he will have to resign if he doesn’t work with this year group. There is no explanation , to our knowledge, for why the other pastoral members of staff can’t swap to be with Y8. Headteacher just says she wants consistency.

AIBU to think headteacher cannot threaten my husband like this? I appreciate your comments

I’d contact ACAS now to sort the legalities of what has been threatened/said & keep all future communication about the matter to e-mails.

As for struggling to reprimand your daughter, her friends or having to have professional meetings with parents he knows that is just part of the job.
I would hope that in his job as pastoral professional he would know many kids, in many years, in the school & their parents if he has been there for many years as they will have passed though his doors or he will have been party to discussions about issues around the kids or their families in a professional capacity.

Was he planning to move from YR11 role when your daughter got to that level of education?

I went to school with & I am friends with a few teachers & staff at my LG’s school but we are grown up enough to separate teacher from friend relationship.
What they need to discuss with me in school is about school nothing else.
In a way I am glad someone I know personally is keeping an eye on my child’s welfare too. Moving to secondary school in September will be hard because I don’t know any of the teachers but my teacher friends do so I can run things past them if I have any issue.