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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and his incredibly tight budget

93 replies

henevieve1 · 12/06/2023 17:54

My Husband wants to save for a house.
I also want the same. We married and he moved in a few months ago and prior to him moving in we did not share finances.
We differ on how much money we should be saving each month and what is a necessity. For example I feel the odd meal out, some treats are fine while he thinks we should be saving every penny.

I just spend where I feel is reasonable and he has to accept it.

However the food shop is another matter.

I have always got a food shop online at Asda. I get this every month with a top up every two weeks. This ensured we all had fresh fruit and veg in and some treats with nutritious meals. I have two children.

He says he does not want to spend the delivery fee (I have the monthly pass) and he can easily pick this up in the car. I don't think there's much difference.

Problem is he likes to shop a little bit at a time. Today we had no food in so my children had no veg, beef burgers with no bun or salad or chips for tea! I had to give them a baked potato. I know that's not then starving but it's not ideal.
He is going out later and I can pick up a good few bits then but we will use up the fresh food before he is up for another shop.
When at the shop he will be okay with buying basics but make a face when I buy cake, ice lollies etc. It is hot my children like ice lollies in the summer it's really not extravagant.
I feel guilty for adding some ice lollies or ice cream to the trolley!

We ran out of fruit 4 days ago and my children have had none since then.

I am going to put my foot down now and insist on a monthly online shop. I can't keep the shop upto date with him taking me shopping and I can't relax with him huffing about what I'm buying.
I'm not letting my children go without fresh food because he thinks it's not needed.
I will no longer be involving him in the food shop.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Sissynova · 12/06/2023 17:58

If he doesn’t want to pay the delivery you can order online and he can collect it in his car, although you have bigger issues than the food shop.

Did you not discuss finances at all before you got married and moved him in to live with your children??

What portion does he pay towards the bills?

Original poster
henevieve1 · 12/06/2023 18:00

Sissynova · 12/06/2023 17:58

If he doesn’t want to pay the delivery you can order online and he can collect it in his car, although you have bigger issues than the food shop.

Did you not discuss finances at all before you got married and moved him in to live with your children??

What portion does he pay towards the bills?

Yes we did discuss finances but he lost his job very recently and before that we were more financially comfortable so he wasn't like this.
At the moment it's pretty evenly split. Our incomes are now similar with a combined household income of £45k

OP posts:
Original poster
henevieve1 · 12/06/2023 18:00

Sissynova · 12/06/2023 17:58

If he doesn’t want to pay the delivery you can order online and he can collect it in his car, although you have bigger issues than the food shop.

Did you not discuss finances at all before you got married and moved him in to live with your children??

What portion does he pay towards the bills?

I never thought of that. I will suggest that.
I do wonder if it's not the delivery fee though but the wanting to be able to control what is bought

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 12/06/2023 18:02

Sorry not to understand, but is he working again or not? But he's on a lower income?

JanesBlond · 12/06/2023 18:02

So does he not see a problem with your children going without fruit and veg?

Newname47 · 12/06/2023 18:03

If this came with losing his job it's much more likely to be just panicking about money. You're better off being reassuring but firm.

Dillydollydingdong · 12/06/2023 18:05

He's an incipient controller, OP. You need to keep an eye on him or you'll find he's in control of everything. Kids like cakes, ice lollies and ice creams and why should your kids have to go without?

MrsSamR · 12/06/2023 18:06

I'll probably get flamed for this but if they're your kids, not his, I kind of get why he doesn't want to pay for half of the food shop. Does your ex pay some maintenance? Could you split the monthly food bill for all of you and then you and your ex put in extra for treats for the kids if it bothers your DH?

Mongoosesorry · 12/06/2023 18:06

Is this the real him or worrying due to the job?

Is he wanting to do the shop to reduce the spend or is it genuinely to reduce the delivery fee?

What was he like pre marriage?

Tell him this is not acceptable and see what he says. It may be that the real man is coming out the wood work now you are married.

Original poster
henevieve1 · 12/06/2023 18:06

AutumnCrow · 12/06/2023 18:02

Sorry not to understand, but is he working again or not? But he's on a lower income?

Working but on a much lower income.
He was previously on around 40k but had sky high rents and other outgoing.
That income once moved in with me would have been fab but unfortunately the firm closed just around the time he moved.
He now earns 21k
He's highly qualified and can earn between 40k-150k with experience. Just needs to find a job on his field. He's taken on some additional training to add another string to his bow and make finding work easier

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/06/2023 18:06

I am surprised that this sort of thing was not discussed prior to marriage tbh.

Whadda · 12/06/2023 18:07

Do your children know he doesn’t want them having veg and ice-cream? If so, they must hate him.

You need to woman-up and just get on with ordering the for you need and want. I wouldn’t even discuss this with him.

Sherrystrull · 12/06/2023 18:07

Dillydollydingdong · 12/06/2023 18:05

He's an incipient controller, OP. You need to keep an eye on him or you'll find he's in control of everything. Kids like cakes, ice lollies and ice creams and why should your kids have to go without?

This

Original poster
henevieve1 · 12/06/2023 18:08

Mongoosesorry · 12/06/2023 18:06

Is this the real him or worrying due to the job?

Is he wanting to do the shop to reduce the spend or is it genuinely to reduce the delivery fee?

What was he like pre marriage?

Tell him this is not acceptable and see what he says. It may be that the real man is coming out the wood work now you are married.

I think he's genuinely worried about finances.
Wants to save for what's really important.

I get it to an extent.

I've given up me two weekly nails appointment but I'm not giving up my children eating a healthy diet

OP posts:
Mongoosesorry · 12/06/2023 18:08

Okay so that’s a large drop he may be very worried. Have a chat and watch/listen carefully.

Whadda · 12/06/2023 18:08

Hang on-

he could earn £150k but at the same time as he moves in with you he lost his gob and is now on £21k?

Is he contributing to your rent?

Sounds like the makings of a cocklodger.

Were you together long before marriage? What ages are your children?

Original poster
henevieve1 · 12/06/2023 18:09

Whadda · 12/06/2023 18:07

Do your children know he doesn’t want them having veg and ice-cream? If so, they must hate him.

You need to woman-up and just get on with ordering the for you need and want. I wouldn’t even discuss this with him.

Yeah I have enough money going into my account. I'm going to get the asda delivery from now on and be done with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
henevieve1 · 12/06/2023 18:10

Whadda · 12/06/2023 18:08

Hang on-

he could earn £150k but at the same time as he moves in with you he lost his gob and is now on £21k?

Is he contributing to your rent?

Sounds like the makings of a cocklodger.

Were you together long before marriage? What ages are your children?

To be fair he's incredibly hard working.
He's always paid his way.
Never taken my money.
Always contributed to bills
That's not an issue with him
He's even taken a job way below his level of education to help provide for the family

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2023 18:11

I think you need to have your eyes WIDE open here. I fear you are on a very slippery slope with this man. Him fighting you about having proper food on hand for your children is quite alarming.

Merryoldgoat · 12/06/2023 18:13

That’s a daft salary range and makes zero sense.

CantFindTheBeat · 12/06/2023 18:14

OP, with price of petrol/diesel, the delivery charge doesn't cost much more than going to the store yourself.

Plus it's much easier to manage your budget and search for offers online.

rwalker · 12/06/2023 18:18

Reading your updates nothing jumps out as him being a twat
his income gas halved and he’s panicking about money

there is a chain of thought with online
on buy what u need , plan better so no waste , offers pop up and you don’t make impulse purchases wondering round the shop

out your foot down agree a budget and you organise it

Whadda · 12/06/2023 18:18

We’re you together long before getting married?

Is he contributing towards the rent?

Is he named on the lease?

Are you renting privately or though the housing association?

StarchySturgess1 · 12/06/2023 18:24

He's highly qualified and can earn between 40k-150k. He now earns 21k

🚩

Carnivore · 12/06/2023 18:27

I agree with @rwalker. I think this is a normal disagreement because of what he’s gone through. I would tell him you tried it his way, and it is not working. Tell him you’d rather live where you are if it means you can have fruits, veggies and occasional treats. You’ve compromised on the nails. He needs to compromise on the food.