Husband and his incredibly tight budget

[henevieve1]

My Husband wants to save for a house.
I also want the same. We married and he moved in a few months ago and prior to him moving in we did not share finances.
We differ on how much money we should be saving each month and what is a necessity. For example I feel the odd meal out, some treats are fine while he thinks we should be saving every penny.

I just spend where I feel is reasonable and he has to accept it.

However the food shop is another matter.

I have always got a food shop online at Asda. I get this every month with a top up every two weeks. This ensured we all had fresh fruit and veg in and some treats with nutritious meals. I have two children.

He says he does not want to spend the delivery fee (I have the monthly pass) and he can easily pick this up in the car. I don't think there's much difference.

Problem is he likes to shop a little bit at a time. Today we had no food in so my children had no veg, beef burgers with no bun or salad or chips for tea! I had to give them a baked potato. I know that's not then starving but it's not ideal.
He is going out later and I can pick up a good few bits then but we will use up the fresh food before he is up for another shop.
When at the shop he will be okay with buying basics but make a face when I buy cake, ice lollies etc. It is hot my children like ice lollies in the summer it's really not extravagant.
I feel guilty for adding some ice lollies or ice cream to the trolley!

We ran out of fruit 4 days ago and my children have had none since then.

I am going to put my foot down now and insist on a monthly online shop. I can't keep the shop upto date with him taking me shopping and I can't relax with him huffing about what I'm buying.
I'm not letting my children go without fresh food because he thinks it's not needed.
I will no longer be involving him in the food shop.
AIBU?

Add a few more of those flags.

Come on, op ... really??

Private rent. Renting a small two bed flat that's not big enough for us.
He's on the tenancy and pays half of all bills.

Sounds like he's set the goal of you both buying a house together and he wants to save money. I don't really see what's wrong with that. He's taken a job with a lower salary than his previous one to help provide for the family.

Food shopping can be expensive, especially right now. £45k income isn't that much with two kids. I think you could sit down and budget your weekly shop together. Kids should be allowed treats but maybe sometimes its okay for them to just have jacket potatoes for dinner if your both serious about saving for a house??

it Probably works out the same going to collect or delivery

personally i would just go back to how you shopped before, it worked. If he doesn’t want to do that tough, or he gets his own and cooks his own and you do yours and the kids

1. Are they his children?
2. How long were you together pre marriage?
3. Are you 100% sure he was honest about his earnings before?

#3 is because I’ve known a number of men inflate their earnings in front of partners/potential partners and have to back pedal further down the road.

No matter how tight things are I have a good budget I’m comfortable spending up to, between £80-£100 a week, but if one week it goes over it’s not a big deal as I’ve budgeted for it and don’t mine adding on an extra £5 etc. You need to do this and tell your other half that’s what will be done going forward. Budget for a monthly shop with your top ups as and when needed. I’d be putting my foot down, no one would be going hungry or eating substandard food, lacking fruit and veg because he’s making a face. If he doesn’t like it he can do something about it like find a new job. I find it hard to believe he can’t find a new one. DP has just been made redundant and found a new job within two weeks, similar pay scale. I’d be cracking the whip and pushing him to do bettee

Why would imagine you are being unreasonable??

Actually I massively admire him for not being snobby and being willing to work a minimum wage job to provide for his family.
Some of these men he worked with who lost their job when the company went bust are not working now at all as they won't work a job they see is 'below them'.

It's a small town with this employer being the main employer for this qualification. Difficult to get a job in this field without some further qualification which he's already started.

Can I ask, OP, those 4 days your DC want without what you wanted them to eat, could you not just habe gone out and bought some yourself?

Yeah he desperately wants to buy a house.

We're renting. It's expensive and too small. Can't afford bigger. It get it.

He also goes without and no longer gets a haircut he does it himself (he's good at it), hasn't bought new clothes for ages, takes a packed lunch to work instead of buying out.

He's also doing his bit.

He's just TOO tight

Sit down and draw up your meal
plans etc and show them to him, explain the children have to eat healthily, not any old crap he deems sufficient. Also draw up a budget, there's likely other areas where savings could be made.

I don't drive so without the food delivery rely on him to buy the food shop.

No shops walking distance and public transport is rubbish.

I would love to know what profession pays from 40-150k?!

I would make it a priority to learn to drive. This is another area where it's easy for him to control things.

I would love to know what profession pays from 40-150k?!

I'm wondering this, as well. It's odd to say the least, and even more perplexing that he's now only making 21k? He's nearly 20k off from this professions base salary? For someone who supposedly has great qualifications?

In that case, yes, you go back to your food deliveries. I don't care how much you admire his work effort or how hard working he is, complaining about the kids having fresh food snd the odd lolly ice absolutely slaps of financial control. I know you're not thinking this right now but be aware, if and when he gets gis 150k job, he'll still have control of the finances and may still act like an absolute knob about what you're allowed to spend money on.

Your contributions should be proportional to income and take into account he only has a responsibility for one person but you being responsible for 3.

So you should be putting the majority of the funds into the pot as you have the higher income and 75% of the people in the home fall under you.

I think YABU.

He's clearly stressed about finances after his job loss and now earning half of what is normal for him.

I don't understand doing a monthly food shop either. My husband and I take turns and go to our local supermarket daily to get fresh fruit and veg. It's only a 12 min walk away and easily carried home in a backpack.

If you only buy a monthly shop with one top-up shop half-way through then you won't be having daily fresh fruit and vegetables.

Personally, if our finances were suffering or below what was normal, then we certainly would be tightening our belts and not wasting money unnecessarily.

You'll save a lot quicker for a house by not wasting money eating out etc.

What job does he do??

If you can’t drive and you’re married to someone stopping you getting your children fresh food, you need to get back to delivery asap.

I've got a great idea how he can save for a house quicker... stop scrimping and saving worrying about the supermarket shop, and get a job on £150k. Easier to earn his way into security than try and achieve minuscule savings from monitoring what the spend at the supermarket.

Problem solved.

He lives with your children and is happily denying them food?!!

What did I just read. The hills are that way

I would love to know what profession pays from 40-150k?! likely IT depending on what it is you do.

OP this is mn where women are desperate to tell other women how controlling they are, how everything is a red flag.

It’s absolutely not a red flag that he lost his job and is now in a minimum wage job. What would people have him do? Sign on the dole or worse, live off the OP until a job in his field came along. As someone who is preferred to do a job instead of waiting for a particular job, I can assure you that employers will take him a lot more seriously, because he clearly has a decent work ethic.

WRT the money, he’s just had his income cut by half, and in truth on 40/50k and living alone he’s likely never had to budget that hard before, and so now having to watch what he’s spending means that he’s becoming aware of prices and costs and is hanging on to every penny he can.

Firstly, I would tell him that you’re going to start shopping from Asda or wherever it is now.

If you shop regularly enough get a delivery pass.

Buying fruit and veg for the kids is non-negotiable, ice cream and lollies and other treats, well it depends on how many you’re buying. He’s not unreasonable if you’re e.g spending half the monthly shop on junk food for the kids, but a treat is a treat. It doesn’t have to be an every day thing.

Slippery slope. Be careful and wary of any other controlling behaviours creeping in.

Is this his first time living as a family especially one with children?

When I think back to how I used to live pre-kids when young, it was all quite different - i mooched around and ate what was in the cupboard and freezer if I hadn’t been to the shops. Or I went last minute to the shops and picked up what I fancied, it was no big deal.

Of course with kids it is a huge deal. You need to plan meals in advance somewhat and ensure there is fruit/veg/basics as running out isn’t an option.

I think you’ll need to firmly speak to him about how this looks and come up with a strategy, be that ordering online once a month (he can collect if he wishes!), and topping up weekly or even twice weekly.

The issue is he doesn’t view feeding your children properly as ‘really important’
That is a HUGE red flag! No house is more important than that

Horrible way to look at it. When you move in with someone who has children, you accept you need to also provide for them. This is why csa is based on how many dependents you have. My dp pays maintenance but the fact he is financially responsible for my children (not his) means the csa says he has to pay less. (He actually pays more than csa say he has to but that’s besides the point.) for example, before my dp moved in, I worked but got a top op from universal credit. Once he moved in I was entitled to nothing. So if he had your view and said well they arnt my kids im not paying for their food, my kids would go without. Just such a small minded way to look at it in my opinion