Husband and his incredibly tight budget

[henevieve1]

My Husband wants to save for a house.
I also want the same. We married and he moved in a few months ago and prior to him moving in we did not share finances.
We differ on how much money we should be saving each month and what is a necessity. For example I feel the odd meal out, some treats are fine while he thinks we should be saving every penny.

I just spend where I feel is reasonable and he has to accept it.

However the food shop is another matter.

I have always got a food shop online at Asda. I get this every month with a top up every two weeks. This ensured we all had fresh fruit and veg in and some treats with nutritious meals. I have two children.

He says he does not want to spend the delivery fee (I have the monthly pass) and he can easily pick this up in the car. I don't think there's much difference.

Problem is he likes to shop a little bit at a time. Today we had no food in so my children had no veg, beef burgers with no bun or salad or chips for tea! I had to give them a baked potato. I know that's not then starving but it's not ideal.
He is going out later and I can pick up a good few bits then but we will use up the fresh food before he is up for another shop.
When at the shop he will be okay with buying basics but make a face when I buy cake, ice lollies etc. It is hot my children like ice lollies in the summer it's really not extravagant.
I feel guilty for adding some ice lollies or ice cream to the trolley!

We ran out of fruit 4 days ago and my children have had none since then.

I am going to put my foot down now and insist on a monthly online shop. I can't keep the shop upto date with him taking me shopping and I can't relax with him huffing about what I'm buying.
I'm not letting my children go without fresh food because he thinks it's not needed.
I will no longer be involving him in the food shop.
AIBU?

If you've got a delivery pass have a £40 delivery every 4 or 5 days, you shouldn't run out of anything that way.
You can't let your kids eat shit to save for a mortgage. You're likely not going to get one with him on 21k anyway, and you're kids will have scurvy by then.

Absolutely!

As you pay for the pass, can you not have weekly deliveries?

Just do it. He can protest all he likes, but no bloke would ever stop me from feeding my children.

you are the main bread winner
you dont have a car?
anyway,
just get a delivery, weekly if necessary.

jacked potatoes are vegetable and there is nothing wrong with eating them

Sounds like he needs some common sense instilling. If your income halves your don’t eat half as much and have one hand of nails done, you cut your discretionary spending first!
Maybe there are some logical budgeting concessions to be agreed, can he do your top up shops when the yellow sticker stuff goes out then batch cook with a load of cheap fruit and veg?

WRT the money, he’s just had his income cut by half, and in truth on 40/50k and living alone he’s likely never had to budget that hard before, and so now having to watch what he’s spending means that he’s becoming aware of prices and costs and is hanging on to every penny he can.

Firstly, I would tell him that you’re going to start shopping from Asda or wherever it is now.

If you shop regularly enough get a delivery pass.

Buying fruit and veg for the kids is non-negotiable, ice cream and lollies and other treats, well it depends on how many you’re buying. He’s not unreasonable if you’re e.g spending half the monthly shop on junk food for the kids, but a treat is a treat. It doesn’t have to be an every day thing

Agree with all of this.

There's been a huge change in household income, you're saving for a house and by all accounts he is being very frugal himself on his personal expenditure.

Insisting you're having the delivery pass so you can be organised with the food shop and not run out of items is sensible.

Whether he's unreasonable on the treats, cakes and ice lollies depends on how much you're buying

Cakes, treats and ice lollies all add up and unless me and my friends live on another planet, it seems standard that kids will often gobble up as many treats and snacks that you buy as a parent even if they're not that hungry. They're also expensive, not filling and a fairly obvious way to make some trimming to the food shop by substituting to make your own/cut back.

I gave up my Asda delivery well over a year ago.

I now make the Aldi run and a quick Tesco (next to Aldi) run for anything I absolutely can't get at Aldi.

Prices are rocketing. It's an easy way to reduce outgoings. Maybe you need to compromise here a bit.

We're by no means hard up, but we've kept our costs level by making these changes and it will leave you more room for treats.

There’s nothing wrong with a jacket potato no but they don’t count towards your 5 a day.

Why is this an issue? You explain to him that you are not willing to serve up another meal without fresh veg/salad, that his way isn't working. End of. You both have an equal say, he is not the boss.

Surely shopping every few days is costing more in fuel than shopping less frequently and paying for the delivery pass?

Show him those costings, if he still objects, and he objects to click and collect, then the issue is not the cost of delivery at all, the issue is he does want to control what you buy/what everyone eats.

jacket potatoes surely count as your 5 a day, plenty of vitamin c in their skins

He s controlling your and dc food
Just say no
You always did asda delivery
Zero need to change
But maybe he likes that you have to beg him to go in car
Maybe he likes to escape
Poor dc

He is BU, his way of shopping doesn't work for a family. He can pick up a click and collect shop once a week if spending on delivery bothers him.

If you're rural, he might end up spending more in fuel by popping out shopping for bits every few days than you would on the delivery - have you pointed this out?

No, they don’t. Potatoes are a starch and not in your 5 a day.

Also prolonged and high temperature cooking will destroy vitamin C.

Nope. Potatoes don’t count towards 5 a day in any format. Neither do other starchy veg like cassava and yams. https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/eat-well/5-a-day/5-a-day-what-counts/

Why on earth did you marry this man? I'm assuming he isn't the father of your children, to judge from what you've said.

Just why do women (because it's nearly always women) do this? Why not focus on your own house, your own income and your own children, rather than moving someone else completely unrelated in with them? Why end up being the one who funds the whole shebang? Is he so very special that he's worth disrupting your children's home life for?

sigh.

Just. No.

I'd struggle getting regular nails done or meals out or shopping for what I think is reasonable on a household income of £45k. I'd want to be very careful. But nothing and no one would stop me feeding my kids a decent meal. He's being an idiot over the delivery pass. Does his car run off piss or does it run off petrol like normal people's cars?

When did he get to call the shots?

Why are you capitulating?

Tell uim no, explain the last few days and how you're not having it.

Go back to your way.

I also don’t see why so many people are quick to claim how awful and controlling he is. He’s paying half, so he’s subsidising OP‘s children who aren’t his. Really the OP should be paying more.

Won't it cost more in petrol going out several times a week doing little shops? It's far more economical buying the delivery pass and having the shopping delivered.

I've got a Morrisons pass, costs me about £35 for a kid week delivery pass. Saves me a lot of money on petrol and unnecessary expenditure in the shops. I just buy what I need.

Your children arent eating enough fruit and vegetables. I'd ignore him and have the food shop delivered.

I think a lot of people are being a bit unfair to the OPs DH here.

He’s taken a massive salary drop and has been unemployed. That’s enough to get anyone jittery about money.

The OP hasn’t said what is being spent on groceries. I wonder if he is worried about how much is being spent overall. There are plenty of threads on here about how much different size families spend.

I would sit down and agree a budget (and I mean agree) for groceries and everything else. Then stick to it and save the rest. I would also say that shopping at Aldi or Lidl might be worth trying to see if you can afford more treats on a budget.

Think this bloke is getting a bit of a rough ride here. Sometimes when people get a goal in mind they can lose the run of themselves and become obsessive about saving especially if it’s something like a family home.
If he has otherwise been a good partner maybe a sit down and giving him a bit of a reality check that while saving is important he needs to realise that things like food are non-negotiable when everything else has been pared back.
As for those suggesting losing a well paying job in a specific industry and taking a lesser one is somehow a lie or impossible or a road to cocklodging I’m at an utter loss. He’s taken a lesser paying job while seeking one in his own field instead of sitting at home waiting on one coming up. I did the exact same thing when made redundant some years ago. Any income is better than none surely!

Well done to him for not being too proud to take a lower income job to help support his family.

BIL hasn’t worked for 10 years because he wouldn’t take a job that paid less than he was used to earning. Nothing wrong with honest work.