To not want to go on holiday with DM

[samsswampy]

I will probably be told I am being unreasonable but I don’t feel as if I can cope with going on holiday with 89 year old DM. She has a lot of health conditions and has had quite a few falls but she wants to go on holiday with me and DD 15. She wants to go abroad and will pay for our holiday but I will need spending money for both of us which I would have trouble raising. My DD doesn’t want to go with her and I will be worried being in another country with someone who could become ill or have an accident. I am already going on holiday with 26 year old DD and would be happier if she came on the holiday with DM but DM doesn’t want her to come

Have you just tried saying "that's a lovely offer dm, but I'm already sorted for trips this year. We could do a nice drive out to the beach one weekend if you like?"

Yadnbu. She wants you to go as a carer. This would not be a holiday for you & probably restrictive & boring for your dd.

I know you said she wants to go abroad, but may be a couple of weekends away somewhere nice in the UK?

And why is your dm insistent that only one of your dds is allowed to come? Seems odd. Fair enough adult dd pays for herself or whatever but to outright refuse is odd.

Would she even get travel insurance?

QUITE.

"sorry Mum, I just don't think it's going to work" and stick to that line.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz she doesn’t get on with my older DD and doesn’t want her to come because DD is not taking her on the holiday she is paying for. Younger DD doesn’t want to go as DM had some money go missing and she thinks DD took it

@CoffeeBeansGalore i know it won’t feel like a holiday for me as she cannot walk far so I would probably have to hire a wheelchair and push her, she won’t use a mobility scooter, I am in my 50s and feel it will be too hard for me

Thanks for the offer mum, but no, we don't want to.

She keeps saying she just wants one more holiday and so we should go with her. The last holiday was in the UK 2 years ago and she didn’t want to visit the same places as us like theme parks so stayed on her own then complained we kept leaving her. she wants to go abroad for the hot weather and beach where she will spend the whole day every day of the holiday

Your mother sounds difficult and that's not even thinking about her health issues or mobility.

She's fallen out with one of your DDs because she dared to have a holiday without her elderly and infirm grandmother and suspects the other DD of theft...

No, don't do it.

Just get a few quotes for holiday insurance and then show them to her. The cost will soon put her off. Not knowing all her health conditions she might not even be able to get any insurance.

No way would I even consider this in your position.
Just say no to abroad.

Presumably she wants one last holiday abroad before she's too old/frail to do it. It sounds like she's missed the boat though. What a sad situation for her but I don't think taking her on holiday is the best idea.

Are there any situations where you (personally) can spend time with your Mum that work for both of you OP? If there are - focus on making those happen.

My own Mum had bad health and bad mobility in her last years, but her partner managed to take her to the seaside in Norfolk for a couple of lovely summer days during her last summer, and I'm so glad he did! But we did have a less complicated relationship ... Your DM sounds in a different class :/

Ok, here's the mess you really need to sort out!

Holiday just ain't happening with that nonsense going on.

I don't think I'd be able to bring myself to make time to spend with someone who actively dislikes one of my kids and accuses the other of stealing.

"They're stealing from me!/poisoning me!" is a common early symptom of some types of dementia - could this be the case with your DM, OP, or do you think the same thing might have happened even if she was ten years younger?

She sounds quite horrible tbh, I'd just say no. Perhaps you could suggest a group coach trip abroad for retired people, I'm sure they may do flights aswell, she may enjoy that being around people who like being on the beach all day.

That was my thought too! You're talking THOUSANDS.

I have a tricky enough relationship with my DM but my unpopular opinion is that you should take your DM on holiday when she is elderly and alone. If she’s paying then all the better. I would leave dd15 behind though

What have you said to her so far, OP? Have you told her you'll think about it, or have you agreed and are now regretting it?

If the former, use one of the responses already suggested. I'd personally be going with "I don't think that's a good idea at all and I know DD won't come and I can't make her, she's too old for that..."

If the latter, you might say "I've reflected on this and I don't think it's a good idea at all..."

Just say no it's too hard for you.

Of course she wouldn't want theme parks at her age!

Did you do anything she liked? Was there any compromise on either side?

Not unpopular. I agree. Your elderly mum would like to go on holiday but needs a companion. She not unreasonably asks her daughter who - unless there is a history of abuse - is too bloody selfish to go.

Drive down to the coast overnight.