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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with DM

65 replies

samsswampy · 12/06/2023 14:57

I will probably be told I am being unreasonable but I don’t feel as if I can cope with going on holiday with 89 year old DM. She has a lot of health conditions and has had quite a few falls but she wants to go on holiday with me and DD 15. She wants to go abroad and will pay for our holiday but I will need spending money for both of us which I would have trouble raising. My DD doesn’t want to go with her and I will be worried being in another country with someone who could become ill or have an accident. I am already going on holiday with 26 year old DD and would be happier if she came on the holiday with DM but DM doesn’t want her to come

OP posts:

GCalltheway · 12/06/2023 16:19

I would book a short cruise to the Mediterranean from your nearest U.K. port. I would not include either chid and make this short trip all about your DM. On the cruise you will have plenty of help, no airports and can enjoy the shows etc without any effort.

It’s her last trip I don’t think I could say no in this instance, to my dm.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 12/06/2023 16:21

What @GCalltheway said.

GulesMeansRed · 12/06/2023 16:21

Insurance for cruises is even more expensive for oldies than a package involving flights.

SchoolShenanigans · 12/06/2023 16:22

Holidays aren't the be all and end all. Yes, she wants one last holiday, but she just needs to realise that isn't going to happen and leave it there.

Say no. You don't think it will work as you're worried she'll fall whilst away and that you'll all have different ideas on a holiday. Just keep restating that.

She's older, but it doesn't mean she can dictate what you do. It sounds like a holiday from hell to me (and I'd be very pissed about her treating older DD like that).

GCalltheway · 12/06/2023 16:22

GulesMeansRed · 12/06/2023 16:21

Insurance for cruises is even more expensive for oldies than a package involving flights.

It sounds like she has enough money to pay for insurance herself.

Ibizafun · 12/06/2023 16:23

Had she not accused your dd of theft I'd probably have put the health/insurance aside, my 92 yo df got insurance. The only thing that might work is a cruise.. medical centre etc

Mmhmmn · 12/06/2023 16:23

Could you go on a short cruise with just maybe? I think ships have a sick bay and there are cruises that go around the British Isles so you're not too far from home if something happened.

sonjadog · 12/06/2023 16:24

Could you go somewhere in the UK that would give her what she wants from a holiday and which would also give her access to care if she needs it? It might also be cheaper from the insurance point of view also. I would stretch myself far to give my Mum one last holiday at her age and I would inconvenience myself to do that for her, but if your relationship is poor I can understand why you would not want to.

Batalax · 12/06/2023 16:24

“No mum, I’m too old and unfit to push a wheelchair around and you won’t use a mobility scooter. It’s not happening”

OhComeOnFFS · 12/06/2023 16:25

Hate to say it but she could die from heatstroke if she spent all day on the beach. It's not a place for people that age.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go with her. Would she agree to a weekend in a hotel somewhere more local?

Why does she think your daughter stole her money?

Mmhmmn · 12/06/2023 16:25

samsswampy · 12/06/2023 15:42

She keeps saying she just wants one more holiday and so we should go with her. The last holiday was in the UK 2 years ago and she didn’t want to visit the same places as us like theme parks so stayed on her own then complained we kept leaving her. she wants to go abroad for the hot weather and beach where she will spend the whole day every day of the holiday

If it's nice weather on a cruise she could sunbathe or otherwise stay on deck and not get off for the trips etc while you off for a bit and see the sights.

JobzaGoodun · 12/06/2023 16:27

Lots of posters trying to 'solve' this for you, but honestly, you've already said you don't feel you could cope, and money would be a struggle.

Don't feel guilty, when you've offered a compromise of going away with your older daughter but she doesn't want to. Just say 'sorry mum, anything else is just not practical' and leave it at that

GCalltheway · 12/06/2023 16:27

I would ignore the theft comment as she is so elderly maybe it is dementia? Or confusion? I would be very hurt if anyone said that about my dds but ultimately she isn’t long for this world, a bit of kindness would go a long way at this point in her life. Let her lie in the sunshine one last time and feel some contentment and closure. It might give you more pleasure than you expect.

It’s not easy facing the end of your life.

gogohmm · 12/06/2023 16:29

A weekend in the U.K. somewhere flat, good for wheelchairs with things she would enjoy is the compromise. Most larger hotels have accessible rooms and some have wheelchairs to borrow (try east Devon for instance)

WonderDays · 12/06/2023 16:32

Sorrt DM your holiday suggestion doesn’t work for me.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 12/06/2023 16:33

What happens next year when she wants another "last holiday"...or the year after that?

I wouldn't go.

She doesn't have enough mobility and you won't cope with her alone. I might offer a UK based holiday (with her insured) but that would be my limit.

lieselotte · 12/06/2023 16:35

Can your younger DD spend a weekend with your older DD while you take your mum somewhere in this country?

I wouldn't go overseas, it's too much bother if you aren't mobile and airport assistance is rubbish and often non-existent. I went away with my 83 year old mum last year but she can walk everywhere. We went to a theme park, but it was the Tivoli gardens in Copenhagen so plenty for all ages :)

cptartapp · 12/06/2023 16:35

Your DM is incredibly selfish pushing herself on you like this. Your DD's come first.
Doesn't sound like it would be much of a holiday for you. Can't she see that, or does she not care?

GCalltheway · 12/06/2023 16:39

cptartapp · 12/06/2023 16:35

Your DM is incredibly selfish pushing herself on you like this. Your DD's come first.
Doesn't sound like it would be much of a holiday for you. Can't she see that, or does she not care?

At the forefront of dm’s mind, not unsurprisingly is the end of her own life. Op has all the time in the world to enjoy holidays with her dds.

cptartapp · 12/06/2023 16:45

That's unfortunate.
Somebody's wants at the end of their life don't trump other peoples in the prime of theirs.
Tomorrow is promised to nobody.

Famzonhol · 12/06/2023 16:48

I’m sure OP won’t want her own daughters or grandchildren to inconvenience themselves in any way going on holiday with her when she’s old. So that’s ok.

Original poster

samsswampy · 12/06/2023 16:49

@Nanny0gg if course there was compromise on our side but not hers, we don’t mind spending a couple of days on the beach but not 7

OP posts:

maranella · 12/06/2023 16:52

Don't do it OP. I have current experience of how difficult it is to get an unwell person home from a foreign country where they are in hospital. She will need very expensive and comprehensive insurance that will airlift her home if any of her health conditions deteriorate suddenly. If she really wants to go somewhere and if you could be persuaded to take her, I'd insist on UK only.

cptartapp · 12/06/2023 16:53

Famzonhol · 12/06/2023 16:48

I’m sure OP won’t want her own daughters or grandchildren to inconvenience themselves in any way going on holiday with her when she’s old. So that’s ok.

Absolutely. Why would you?

Original poster

samsswampy · 12/06/2023 16:55

@GCalltheway nobody knows when it would be their last holiday, it could be mine. If she went this year I know she would be saying exactly the same next year. I suggested a cruise or a coach holiday but she won’t go on either of those

OP posts:

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