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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell Dd that I won’t attend again

66 replies

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 19:44

Dd is 13
she goes to a sports group
I’m at my wits end with how she treats me and others. She’s so angry and sometimes controlling at times. It’s really hard to be around. Of course there are other times she is lovely it’s not all the time but right now it’s a lot
I feel like I’m at fault I give in too much or pander to her. Iv looked at parenting courses today

however the past 2 times I have attended dd’s dance events she has screamed at me when she has come off. Yesterday despite me seeing her go in and then watching and filming her she came off and shouted I wasn’t there I tried to explain I was. Even other mums were but she kept going. I felt so sad as yet again all the other mums were getting a nice side to their day and I was taking this. I took her aside to try and explain again but she was telling again and so I had to leave it.

i feel so sad about all this I have really tried. Today I have sat down with no one around and explained to her but she’s not getting it and just says ‘sorry sorry’ or ‘ok ok’ in a sarcy tone so I have then said that she will need to go up with her dad (who she doesn’t want to see) or a family friend because I can’t keep doing this.

aibu to have said that? She burst into tears and I feel bad but I don’t know what else to do anymore.

OP posts:
CheshireDing · 11/06/2023 19:47

Sounds fair to me. Did you show her the video you had taken?

Actions have consequences

xyz111 · 11/06/2023 19:48

Hopefully this has made her realise the consequences of how she is treating you. Was there a trigger for her bad behaviour starting?

gdjb · 11/06/2023 19:50

You were more lenient than me, I would be stopping the activity until she can show some respect, absolutely no excuse for her behaviour, I have higher expectations of 3 year olds.

Bridgingthefeckingmassivegap · 11/06/2023 19:51

Is she perhaps lashing out because of something else? I'd try to get to the bottom of it if you can, like today in a calm time not when she's shouting/worked up. Agree with what you've done so far though

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 11/06/2023 19:53

You mentioned dance - is she getting anxious from being on stage? Does she actually not want to do it? Maybe she would be better off taking a break from it till her anxiety is better.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 11/06/2023 19:53

She talks to you like s**t.... she doesn't get to dance...... end of story!

It costs you money, she is in a privileged position as other parents cannot afford this. You are there cheering her on, filming her.

She's 13, she should be showing an example to the younger dancers. I'm surprised her teacher hasn't said something to her.

BellaJuno · 11/06/2023 19:54

I’d be stopping the extra curricular stuff if my child treated me like that.

Original poster
Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 19:58

xyz111 · 11/06/2023 19:48

Hopefully this has made her realise the consequences of how she is treating you. Was there a trigger for her bad behaviour starting?

It’s just been so bad lately
I feel like a idiot mum iv been to soft but also iv been stressed and she has seen that. I’m a single working mum with a lit on and it’s got on top of me sometimes. I wonder if iv been too critical she certainly see’s it that way.

yesterday I had dropped her by entrance with another parent I then went and parked car a long way away and had to charge it which took ages to set up she was annoyed when I finally got there. She went off with friends and I stayed with mums and then walked over to her to watch them perform.
I feel so tired of it all. I spend my life running around and dropping etc and it feels like it’s for nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 19:59

Bridgingthefeckingmassivegap · 11/06/2023 19:51

Is she perhaps lashing out because of something else? I'd try to get to the bottom of it if you can, like today in a calm time not when she's shouting/worked up. Agree with what you've done so far though

I have asked her how to change it she just goes into trying to make me feel bad ‘sorry im not good enough’ etc
it’s impossible really

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 19:59

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 11/06/2023 19:53

You mentioned dance - is she getting anxious from being on stage? Does she actually not want to do it? Maybe she would be better off taking a break from it till her anxiety is better.

No she loves it I’d quite happily mot pay the fees lol

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 11/06/2023 20:00

All behaviour is communication.
This won't be anything you have or haven't done but her lashing out for whatever reason and unfortunately you are her safe person. She may not even be able to pinpoint what the reason is yet but it'll be something.

I'd be making her take a break if competing and only dancing recreationally until she can behave in a more appropriate way, if she's doing it infront of other parents and her tutors then it's an easy thing to explain to the dance school why she is stepping back.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/06/2023 20:00

Is it a recent thing? Could something serious be going on.
Screaming at you in front of other dancers and mothers is unacceptable. I’m surprised teacher hasn’t said something, that would be totally unacceptable at DDs dance school.
Speaking in car has always worked for me and dd. You aren’t facing each other so less pressured. Hopefully she’ll open up.

Honeychickpea · 11/06/2023 20:03

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 19:58

It’s just been so bad lately
I feel like a idiot mum iv been to soft but also iv been stressed and she has seen that. I’m a single working mum with a lit on and it’s got on top of me sometimes. I wonder if iv been too critical she certainly see’s it that way.

yesterday I had dropped her by entrance with another parent I then went and parked car a long way away and had to charge it which took ages to set up she was annoyed when I finally got there. She went off with friends and I stayed with mums and then walked over to her to watch them perform.
I feel so tired of it all. I spend my life running around and dropping etc and it feels like it’s for nothing

Show quote history

So stop doing it.

Original poster
Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 20:06

I blame myself really as have had a dv relationship in the past where she was witness to arguing and me being treated like shit. I changed this from 7-8.

iv also notices she can’t take a joke she takes it very seriously and will have a go
she can be very nasty and cutting to others (as well as very loving at other times there is a balance) - when I pick her up on this she says well they say that to me (and sometimes I have heard that too so she is right)
she can get so vocal and loud when refusing to do something in public
she swears a lot which I’m trying to address
in all honesty I feel like it’s really strained at the minute and I’m sick of it I dread going out with her right now

OP posts:
gdjb · 11/06/2023 20:07

@Bigbumbetty don't blame yourself, there is no excuse here that makes her behaviour acceptable however stressed you've been, nip it in the bud, don't condone it.

jenny38 · 11/06/2023 20:09

have A discussion- this is unacceptable, next time you behave this way then x will be the consequence eg remove internet access, miss next dance class, no access to phone. Then follow through with this. Obviously continue to explore why she is behaving this way, but bottom line it is unacceptable. Is her behaviour good in other settings/ with others?

dreamersdown · 11/06/2023 20:10

I read a phrase on here once which I love SO MUCH that I have adopted it - “I respect myself too much to let myself be talked to like that”

Crumpleton · 11/06/2023 20:11

Your DD will treat you as you let her.

Ideally....If there's nothing else bothering/worrying her, although there should be no excuses made for behaving like she is, you need to warn and make it very clear to her that if she behaves like that again at the next dance event it'll be the last time you ever attend.

I say ideally as if you do tell her and she continues you need to stick to your word and not continue to take her or else you'll be seen by her as weak and unable to implement the punishment.

LIZS · 11/06/2023 20:15

Could she be neurodiverse, getting sensory overloaded and anxious? Otherwise stop the dancing until she appreciates the effort you are making.

Phineyj · 11/06/2023 20:15

I think this is a very high level of anxiety and she's taking it out on you because you're her safe person.

That's not an excuse for her behaviour, but it's a reason. The anxiety could be to do with the dancing or something else entirely. She may not even know why it is.

Take a break from the dancing for a while (is there a natural break over the school summer holidays?).

Is there anyone trusted she might talk to? Grandparent, older cousin, family friend?

Good books are 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and The Explosive Child.

Hohofortherobbers · 11/06/2023 20:18

YANBU, tell her you won't be there next time nor until she can treat you with more respect. This behaviour stops right now.

Noicant · 11/06/2023 20:19

Sorry she was screaming at you in public? Even if behaviour is communication whatever you are doing now isn’t working. If she screams at you in public then you don’t go places with her it’s simple. Honestly she just sounds spoilt. I withdrew my 3yr old from a swimming class for bad behaviour (only one lesson missed but behaviour improved a lot).

Theres always a lot of soul searching around these things but perhaps your boundaries around behaviour are just weak. Do you feel guilty a lot? Have you often let her get away with treating you shabbily? I’m not always convinced that it’s some sort of emotional turmoil a child is going through, sometimes they are just exerting power or treating someone else like a punchbag because thats how they have always dealt with any sort of uncomfortable feeling and haven’t been corrected.

Scarydinosaurs · 11/06/2023 20:20

Did she concede you had been watching? Can she explain why she was upset?

Mariposista · 11/06/2023 20:25

gdjb · 11/06/2023 19:50

You were more lenient than me, I would be stopping the activity until she can show some respect, absolutely no excuse for her behaviour, I have higher expectations of 3 year olds.

Me too. Teenagers get far too much leniency nowadays. Sorry dear, you can't blame puberty for your disrespectful behaviour. What a little madam!

Rainbowreddy · 11/06/2023 20:31

I'm sorry you had such a bad day and that things are so tough with your daughter.

There's absolutely no way my daughter would be dancing any more if she spoke to me like that. You need to tell her, 'I won't let you speak to me like this. I am your mother and will not tolerate you shouting at me like this.' Don't take her anymore and don't listen to any manipulative strategies she tries to use to get you on board again.

Ultimately you are the only person who can enforce how much disrespect you're willing to take. Also, you need to stand firm for her sake as much as your own. Children and teenagers need to know that they are not the boss. Deep down they feel happier when the adults in their life put their foot down. You can talk and listen, explore feelings, still be her safe person to confide it and but also hold your boundaries.