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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell Dd that I won’t attend again

66 replies

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 19:44

Dd is 13
she goes to a sports group
I’m at my wits end with how she treats me and others. She’s so angry and sometimes controlling at times. It’s really hard to be around. Of course there are other times she is lovely it’s not all the time but right now it’s a lot
I feel like I’m at fault I give in too much or pander to her. Iv looked at parenting courses today

however the past 2 times I have attended dd’s dance events she has screamed at me when she has come off. Yesterday despite me seeing her go in and then watching and filming her she came off and shouted I wasn’t there I tried to explain I was. Even other mums were but she kept going. I felt so sad as yet again all the other mums were getting a nice side to their day and I was taking this. I took her aside to try and explain again but she was telling again and so I had to leave it.

i feel so sad about all this I have really tried. Today I have sat down with no one around and explained to her but she’s not getting it and just says ‘sorry sorry’ or ‘ok ok’ in a sarcy tone so I have then said that she will need to go up with her dad (who she doesn’t want to see) or a family friend because I can’t keep doing this.

aibu to have said that? She burst into tears and I feel bad but I don’t know what else to do anymore.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/06/2023 20:37

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 20:06

I blame myself really as have had a dv relationship in the past where she was witness to arguing and me being treated like shit. I changed this from 7-8.

iv also notices she can’t take a joke she takes it very seriously and will have a go
she can be very nasty and cutting to others (as well as very loving at other times there is a balance) - when I pick her up on this she says well they say that to me (and sometimes I have heard that too so she is right)
she can get so vocal and loud when refusing to do something in public
she swears a lot which I’m trying to address
in all honesty I feel like it’s really strained at the minute and I’m sick of it I dread going out with her right now

Talk to school about getting her a counsellor or ELSA

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/06/2023 20:39

Noicant · 11/06/2023 20:19

Sorry she was screaming at you in public? Even if behaviour is communication whatever you are doing now isn’t working. If she screams at you in public then you don’t go places with her it’s simple. Honestly she just sounds spoilt. I withdrew my 3yr old from a swimming class for bad behaviour (only one lesson missed but behaviour improved a lot).

Theres always a lot of soul searching around these things but perhaps your boundaries around behaviour are just weak. Do you feel guilty a lot? Have you often let her get away with treating you shabbily? I’m not always convinced that it’s some sort of emotional turmoil a child is going through, sometimes they are just exerting power or treating someone else like a punchbag because thats how they have always dealt with any sort of uncomfortable feeling and haven’t been corrected.

Disagree she is not spoilt. I was quite spoilt as a child but I never screamed at my parents at my dance show.
Something is going on and she is taking out her distress on her safe person, mum. She needs a counsellor - she could still be processing the trauma from the DV.

Please also seek counseling for yourself op - Dv ruins your confidence and self worth and you need help to get it back. Congratulations for leaving him
Xxx

Justalittlebitduckling · 11/06/2023 20:40

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 20:06

I blame myself really as have had a dv relationship in the past where she was witness to arguing and me being treated like shit. I changed this from 7-8.

iv also notices she can’t take a joke she takes it very seriously and will have a go
she can be very nasty and cutting to others (as well as very loving at other times there is a balance) - when I pick her up on this she says well they say that to me (and sometimes I have heard that too so she is right)
she can get so vocal and loud when refusing to do something in public
she swears a lot which I’m trying to address
in all honesty I feel like it’s really strained at the minute and I’m sick of it I dread going out with her right now

It sounds like she needs some counselling. Unfortunately waiting lists are huge at present.

TheCheeseTray · 11/06/2023 20:42

dreamersdown · 11/06/2023 20:10

I read a phrase on here once which I love SO MUCH that I have adopted it - “I respect myself too much to let myself be talked to like that”

This is what I said when my daughter spoke to me on the way like this to Horseriding. - we got out of the car went to the yard and I asked her to stay in the car she refused and instead I asked the instructor if she was happy to take the other DC for eldest riding lessons and explained why - she properly kicked off then and I just sat in a locked car, then took other DC home and she walked home and I remember saying ‘you will never talk like that to me and not have a serious sanction’ - I took her phone for 3 weeks, no riding.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 11/06/2023 20:42

As long as you run after her and pander to her she will treat you like dirt. You need to lay down the law and stick to it, if you don't your Daughter will only get worse.

Toptotoe · 11/06/2023 20:47

This sounds very much like attention seeking behaviour and you won’t be doing her any favours if she has no consequences to this kind of behaviour.

As a single working mother with a lot on it maybe that you don’t get much time to communicate with her as much as she would like. Could it be that behaving in this way this is the only way she knows to get your attention?

I think if it were me, I would explain that you won’t put up with her behaviour and explain to her her that there will be consequences when she behaves in this way ( remove internet access etc). At the same time I would also make more of an effort to talk to her about her dancing and all the gossip around it such as who is doing what and who is talented, what the teacher says etc. and try and engage with her on something she is interested in using open questions.
I think good communication and strong boundaries are key but I know from experience these are often easier said than done when you are a single working mother. I do hope you get it sorted.

PleasantOwl · 11/06/2023 20:49

I wouldn’t be going again, I think you’ve gone the right thing. Whatever the reason, actions have consequences.

Original poster
Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 21:00

Thanks I have had a big chat with her
she has said she’s angry a few things have happened in our lives and it’s all mounted up
abs said she came off and was told I hadn’t been there and then when I showed her I was felt she couldn’t back down. I’m not completely convinced at the last part, particularly as it’s becoming a pattern
I have told her I won’t be around to scream at any more especially in front of people

OP posts:
Mariposista · 11/06/2023 21:27

TheCheeseTray · 11/06/2023 20:42

This is what I said when my daughter spoke to me on the way like this to Horseriding. - we got out of the car went to the yard and I asked her to stay in the car she refused and instead I asked the instructor if she was happy to take the other DC for eldest riding lessons and explained why - she properly kicked off then and I just sat in a locked car, then took other DC home and she walked home and I remember saying ‘you will never talk like that to me and not have a serious sanction’ - I took her phone for 3 weeks, no riding.

Show quote history

Gosh well done you. That must have taken guts, especially with all that adrenaline.

Crumpleton · 11/06/2023 21:27

Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 21:00

Thanks I have had a big chat with her
she has said she’s angry a few things have happened in our lives and it’s all mounted up
abs said she came off and was told I hadn’t been there and then when I showed her I was felt she couldn’t back down. I’m not completely convinced at the last part, particularly as it’s becoming a pattern
I have told her I won’t be around to scream at any more especially in front of people

abs said she came off and was told I hadn’t been there and then when I showed her I was felt she couldn’t back down.

Felt she couldn't back down?
Very odd way for her to look at it.
What's so wrong with her just saying sorry?
Does she mean that she didn't want to apologise to you.

Notimeforaname · 11/06/2023 21:36

Apart from having a chat, what are the repercussions of her screaming at you in public? Does she just get away with it ?

You say you give in a lot, why would she stop what's working for her?

There has to be consequences every single time she acts like this.

Dont allow her to go dancing if she is treating you and others like shit. She wont just grow out of it . It will have to be worked on, a lot.

Notimeforaname · 11/06/2023 21:42

I have told her I won’t be around to scream at any more especially in front of people

But that is not addressing her behaviour, you are just taking yourself out of the equation...

Wolfiefan · 11/06/2023 21:45

I wouldn’t be taking her to this activity whilst she spoke to me like this. Maybe a week off. Have an actual proper chat and work out strategies to change her behaviour in the future.

AuditAngel · 11/06/2023 21:58

I have a lot of sympathy for you. I suspect that she was fuelled by adrenaline.

My DDs compete in karate. At a recent competition DD1 (16) was competing in a different hall to DD2 (12). In fact, DD1 was the only member of our club in that hall, and there was no phone signal between the 2 halls.

DD2s best friend was also competing so I asked her mum to video her if I wasn’t there. I had the running orders, and DD2 was due up before DD1, so I ran between the 2 halls, DD2 was quite rude about me favouring DD1 (who has only just returned to competing after 3 years due to Covid and a medical absence) but I saw everything she did (DD1 as well).

I think the nerves/adrenaline get to them. I see you have since spoken with her about this, perhaps someone else covering the next competition or 2 will break the behaviour?

Nn9011 · 11/06/2023 22:03

There isn't enough information to say either way but could it be possible she's either displaying trauma behaviours or neurodivergence? You mentioned she can't take criticism, when you have ADHD it's very heightened and now looking back as a child this was very much me. I'd overreact to situations and not be able to control emotional outbursts.
You also talk about her behaviour after events that are probably very difficult sensorywise. It may look like bad behaviour but could be a meltdown.
Very often when we look at young girls with neurodivergence their behaviours are overlooked because it's seen as bad behaviour or being naughty.
As I say, don't want to assume but either way it may be good to look into it a bit more

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/06/2023 22:06

Did she actually apologise?

CharlotteStreetW1 · 11/06/2023 22:14

Unless you really want to watch her... "You do not get to speak to me like that especially in public. From now on I will only drop you off and pick you up."

And take the time to do the weekly shop. Or grab a coffee and have some me-time.

Actually I made my own way to dance classes at that age including on public transport. Is that do-able?

Original poster
Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 22:22

Nn9011 · 11/06/2023 22:03

There isn't enough information to say either way but could it be possible she's either displaying trauma behaviours or neurodivergence? You mentioned she can't take criticism, when you have ADHD it's very heightened and now looking back as a child this was very much me. I'd overreact to situations and not be able to control emotional outbursts.
You also talk about her behaviour after events that are probably very difficult sensorywise. It may look like bad behaviour but could be a meltdown.
Very often when we look at young girls with neurodivergence their behaviours are overlooked because it's seen as bad behaviour or being naughty.
As I say, don't want to assume but either way it may be good to look into it a bit more

I do wonder about this! But her school haven’t said anything maybe I should?
the thing is she’s not out of control with anything in fact it’s only really directed towards me

OP posts:
AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 11/06/2023 22:22

Ok, on "backing down". I recently worked with a 21 year old, divorced parents, lived with her dad. She was carrying a lot of baggage from her mum and dad splitting, mum (only 16 years older than her) treating her like a friend instead of a daughter, dad being "annoying". She used to test people in her life like this by arguing, and then refuse to back down when she was in the wrong, culminating in her quitting on the spot. It is not a good trait in an adult.

Keep talking to her but absolutely do not pander to it. If you can't stop the dance, drop her and leave next session.

Original poster
Bigbumbetty · 11/06/2023 22:23

She has now when I explained how hurt it made me feel
I get the sense she is trying and managing all emotions
she is not a bad kid but sometimes has these outbursts and has less of a filter
the past week or so has been awful
she won’t take no for an answer sometimes

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 11/06/2023 22:25

She's 13. She doesn't have anywhere near the level of insight and empathy that you are imagining. She doesn't act or think like an adult. What you are dealing with is a child that has been allowed to talk to you like shit for too long. Just crack down on the back chat and attitude with immediate swift consequences and don't sweat all the rest. No need to stop hobbies, just no screens etc to start with.

PonyPatter44 · 11/06/2023 22:30

Years ago, a much younger friend of mine went off on her mother at a horse show. She was being spectacularly rude and it was nothing trauma-related, she was just being a spoiled little moose. Her mum was very calm, and just took her saddle and locked it in the boot of the car - voila, no competing for my friend that day. A couple of us that were also there and competing told our friend that she was being a brat. She didn't take it well that day, but we never saw a repeat of the behaviour.

SemperIdem · 11/06/2023 22:30

What you allow will continue.

She is behaving poorly and her actions deserve consequences. Boundaries are a form of support, one that children need. Support is not all cuddles and there there’s.

Thepossibility · 11/06/2023 22:46

My younger sister used to treat my mum like that.
It seemed like she was bullying her as a way to dump all her negative emotions on her.
I would flatly refuse to be spoken to like that personally.

Ghosttofu99 · 11/06/2023 22:55

Is it really about the minor things she shouts out you for or is it really all about witnessing the DV?

I agree that her current behaviour shouldn’t be tolerated and needs to be addressed but is it possible to get her some counselling? (If you haven’t already)

Maybe now she is getting older she has been getting a better understanding of past events and is struggling with that.