To tell Dd that I won’t attend again

[Bigbumbetty]

Dd is 13
she goes to a sports group
I’m at my wits end with how she treats me and others. She’s so angry and sometimes controlling at times. It’s really hard to be around. Of course there are other times she is lovely it’s not all the time but right now it’s a lot
I feel like I’m at fault I give in too much or pander to her. Iv looked at parenting courses today

however the past 2 times I have attended dd’s dance events she has screamed at me when she has come off. Yesterday despite me seeing her go in and then watching and filming her she came off and shouted I wasn’t there I tried to explain I was. Even other mums were but she kept going. I felt so sad as yet again all the other mums were getting a nice side to their day and I was taking this. I took her aside to try and explain again but she was telling again and so I had to leave it.

i feel so sad about all this I have really tried. Today I have sat down with no one around and explained to her but she’s not getting it and just says ‘sorry sorry’ or ‘ok ok’ in a sarcy tone so I have then said that she will need to go up with her dad (who she doesn’t want to see) or a family friend because I can’t keep doing this.

aibu to have said that? She burst into tears and I feel bad but I don’t know what else to do anymore.

...so I have then said that she will need to go up with her dad (who she doesn't want to see) or a family friend because I can't keep doing this.

aibu to have said that? She burst into tears and I feel bad but I don't know what else to do anymore.

I'm not sure I understand this. You seem to have told her that she can carry on doing the activity if someone else takes her. Is that right? What kind of a punishment is that? Her behaviour was appalling. You should have told her that until she apologises properly and her behaviour improves, she won't be going at all.

Oh, and take no notice of the tears. If she knows it makes you feel bad, she'll carry on doing it.

My younger sister used to do this too. It culminated in my parents telling her to leave home at 19 after she screamed at my Mum for buying the wrong type of bread. Absolutely the best thing that could have happened as they followed through and she was kicked out of her first share home after three months as her flat mates couldn’t stand her. She had to adjust and she gradually became the (mostly) nice person she is today.

My parents should have nipped it in the bud at 12 though. Would have saved a lot of angst. Believe me that it gets worse, not better, if you try to appease them.

“Ok, I’ve been nice for long enough, and it’s not working. So…you continue to treat me like shit and not only will I not be coming to dance, you won’t either. I won’t pay for it. Have a think about how you behave and we’ll talk.”

It’s great she’s coming around. I would stick to not coming next time, say if she doesn’t scream at her dad then you will try coming next time, but if she screams at you again dance might have to stop, as you can’t go along and be treated that way, and you are working hard to pay for it. I think that’s an ok message at 13.

Hello OP, you say that your DD was witness to mistreatment to you by your former DP when she was 7-8 years old for which you feel responsible? This rings some bells with me. You have opened my eyes to unacceptable behavior in my own DD that resembles the kind of mistreatment I received from her DF years ago. My DD is so much like her father -- good qualities and bad ones!! Of course the good qualities are perfectly acceptable but the bad ones need to be reeducated/ stopped if possible.
It seems to indicate to me that either the child is mirroring behavior they saw modeled to them earlier or it could be similar personality types within the family. What do you think?
I don't think you should blame yourself; that seems counterproductive. I think the best we can do is recognize where the problem may have originated and do our best to model better behavior and discipline our children when they are really out of line. One or two meetings with a child psychologist or counselor could put your daughter on the right track.
Good luck, OP ,. You sound like a great, loving mum.

Did you sign up to do the parenting courses? They would be worthwhile i think.

she would have been massively impacted by witnessing the dv she was exposed to. She is classed as a victim as well. That with her dad leaving her no wonder she is angry. Now with you making threats to not be there for her and to send her away, she will probably be feeling very, very vulnerable.

I have told her I won’t be around to scream at any more especially in front of people this is dramatic. You have to be the adult. You need to learn what would be a reasonable way to respond.

she is angry and scared. Has she had counselling at all? She really should have done after the dv.

I have told her I won’t be around to scream at any more especially in front of people

this is dramatic. You have to be the adult. You need to learn what would be a reasonable way to respond.

Or, the kid needs to learn screaming at her mother is not going to fly. It's not a reasonable way to behave. OP is not dramatic. She's showing that actions have consequences. No wonder children run the show so often these days. YANBU, OP.

i just dont get this "she wont take no for an answer" nonsense. this is how it goes. you are out somewhere. she shouts at you. you tell her to stop. she carries on. you say right we are leaving now and you go. or if its a performance and she comes off stage you walk away. why are you just standing there taking this shit. she doesnt do it to other people so she knows its wrong and she knows how to behave.

I'd be stopping her dance lessons for one term. I'd tell her she only gets it back once she shows you respect. Being firm now will pay dividends later.

This.

You don't have to do this. Grow a back bone.

Have you ever considered she's autistic? Something to consider with the behaviours you're listing. It can appear differently in girls.

What’s the dynamic at her dance school? Can you talk to her dance teachers about your concerns and ask them to support you?

When I trained as a dancer, that kind of backstage behaviour would have been sanctioned by the dance teachers at my studio let alone my mother. My mother would simply have stopped the activity had we behaved like that.

It sounds like the witnessing of domestic abuse has had some longer term impacts. While it’s only a few years in your life, it’s almost half of her life. It sounds as though she is deeply affected by the fear that she’ll be abandoned - her insistence you weren’t there seems like a way of expressing fear of abandonment.

She might benefit from some therapy specifically directed at helping her find a way to cope with her strong emotions.

It’s unhealthy to require she doesn’t feel what she feels. She needs to know her feelings are okay but that there are more productive ways to channel them. Art therapy, music therapy - these can be quite effective in this sort of case.

That sounds... extreme and over the top. You locked your dd in the car ? No riding lesson and no phone for 3 weeks ? That's not disciplining that's exaggerated punishment. I'd understand the missing out on the lesson or phone confiscation for a bit but 3 weeks?

Puberty. 13 is crazy age. She will settle.

Is she competing at these events?

If so, and she behaves like that again I would be making her go to the car and refusing to let her stay for the results, communicate this to her coaches/teachers and they should support you with the consequences! She would also be grounded for however long I saw fit.

If she refused to leave, she wouldn't be attending training or the next event, she will soon learn, especially if she loves the hobby and had lots of friends there.

Rinse and repeat.