To be annoyed DH gives his friends gate access without telling me to our house?

[ivfregret]

Maybe first world problems but I can't trust my husband and I'm fed up with it.

I have told him under no circumstance should anyone else know our gate code, it's unnecessary and means anyone can come in when I'm chilling in the garden like happened today.

I'm sunbathing topless and his mate walls down the drive.

Why would he do this and just Willy nilly give people access?

AIBI to be fuming because he always says I'm overreacting and I've had enough.

He didn't even tell me his friend was coming which I also think I have the decency to know.

He now tells me another friend of his shared the code.

I don't like people visiting when I dont know. I feel like I cannot relax in my own home.

Please tel me who is unreasonable here

@Nanny0gg they call there's a telecom

I'd be fucking livid if my DH invited people around without telling me. I could be doing anything, ffs. You absolutely are NOT being unreasonable, OP, unless perhaps you and your DH are still in your teens. I'm assuming that's not the case.

If I remember, he brings friends into anything and everything to avoid you, refuses genetic testing despite your repeated failed attempts at IVF, is happy to put your through it all…

Is there anything good about him?

Change the code and make him use the intercom whenever he comes and goes. If he is happy to inconvenience your comfort and safety, he needs inconveniencing.

trying to get to the bottom of my original question - AIBU to expect to know if someone is popping into my home?

Yes, I think YABU if that is the one, specific question you want answering. If I spoke (text / whatsapp) to a friend who then said they would pop by to pick something up / drop something off, I wouldn't go and seek out my dh to tell him that, and nor would he - unless one of us were going out and hoping the other would open the door.

However your post at the top of P2, which is the first time you mention the fact you are topless out the front of your house probably makes a difference to whether your dh was being unreasonable or not.
I mean, if I were on the front drive / in the front garden doing something I didn't want to see, with that layout, then I would make sure my dh knew that, so didn't let anyone in. If the friend didn't have the code, I am presuming he would text dh or press the intercom, and dh would have opened the gate from where he was, and the friend would still have walked past where you are, whether he had the code to the gate or not ?

The issue therefore isn't whether the friend had the code or not, but, being aware of the unusual layout of your property, that you hadn't let your dh know you were doing something you didn't want anyone else to see.

Given all this could he actually want out of the relationship but is pushing for you to do it so he's not the bad guy?

The difficulty is there’s not a lot of room for compromise with this
its an ether or situation
one of you us going to have to suck it

him wanting his friends round or letting them have the code isn’t unreasonable nether is you wanting notice and no one has the code

the problem is how do you determine who’s way out trump’s the other

Put a bolt on the inside of the gate to lock people out when you’re home

Your DH is unreasonable to give out the gate code without your consent. It defeats the object of having one.

Be you are being unreasonable to expect to know about every visit in advance. People do just pop round.

Change the code, don’t tell him and see how long it is before he needs it h8mself

them keep changing it,

Anyone who has access to the app can see what the new code is

This. We do have an electronic gate after some issues with people coming onto our drive to wee and have sex (festivals in local park nearby), but we give friends the code, likewise anyone who comes in regularly, like the postman, cleaner etc. It’s meant to stop strangers coming in, not keep friends out, or as something that means we get to hang out unclad in the garden.

YANBU. Who has access to the app?

YANBU I am a private person and I get it. This is about DH not respecting your reasonable request about a home you both own.

I with you on this. I don’t even bathe topless (too old and too fat), but I still wouldn’t like anyone coming in when I’m sunbathing and have more flesh on show.

Your husband should be respecting your feelings and boundaries even if they are different from his, so you are not being unreasonable in my book.

I was married for a long time to someone who was both forgetful and couldn’t see anyone’s opinion but his own, so I’m going to suggest practical solutions rather than changing his behaviour.

Can you set up another gate or screen that means if someone comes in the gate unexpected they won’t see you before you can hear them.

Change the gate code each time just before you sunbathe, or put on an internal bolt each time.

Put a note on the gate asking them to ring a mobile number first. Or put a bell on the gate that you can hear in the garden. Speak to everyone who you find out has been given the code by your husband.

The other poster is right that this says a lot about your husbands disregard of your wants/opinions. I’ve had long term problems in my marriage about my husbands refusal to see me as his equal so now he’s my STBXH.

i must be in a mood... ive read 4 threads and every one of them my one thought is Taser to the balls

never mind me, im off to find icecream chocolate and booze sorry folks

I'm post-menopausal, haven't given in to my chocolate craving yet today, remind myself that icecream is frozen saturated fat (I have to say this often when I'm the presence of a magnum classic) and it's still too early for booze for me. BUT I agree, the phrase "Taser to the balls" has a poetic and satisfying ring to it. 🌹

@ivfregret can you change the log in password on the app?

YANBU. Change the code regularly and don’t tell your DH - see how he likes being kept in the dark.

But you are only seeing your way as right, too. If you both just dig your heels in, nobody is going to be happy.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable for him to give you a heads-up if he knows someone is coming over. Maybe you could focus on that, to start with; and see if you can find an agreement there? Does he think you'll always kick off/say no, so he'd rather the friend "surprise" you so you can't react? Does he make rubbish plans, so he doesn't know when people are planning to come over? Does he just like having an open door policy with friends, so he doesn't know they're coming and doesn't want to ask them to let him know in advance?

Once you've figured out why he won't give you a heads up, and how to solve that, you'll probably find nobody needs the gate code as someone will be expecting them...

(Although I feel the need to say that if you're really private and sunbathing topless, be aware of drones and the like...)

lol, haven't been menstruating for near 30 years. I think I'm just pissed off by these rejects -cant call them men.

I had no goodies in the pantry, so instead watched zombie movies.

I have a similar set up with my gate and its infuriating when people randomly pop in having remembed the code from previous visits. The trick I learned was if you want to be guaranteed privacy most electric gates will have their own separate trip switch in the fuse board so if you flick it off when you want to sunbathe it's all good

@Newestname002 just realised that makes me sound 80. im not, im only 58 lol 😹