To be annoyed DH gives his friends gate access without telling me to our house?

[ivfregret]

Maybe first world problems but I can't trust my husband and I'm fed up with it.

I have told him under no circumstance should anyone else know our gate code, it's unnecessary and means anyone can come in when I'm chilling in the garden like happened today.

I'm sunbathing topless and his mate walls down the drive.

Why would he do this and just Willy nilly give people access?

AIBI to be fuming because he always says I'm overreacting and I've had enough.

He didn't even tell me his friend was coming which I also think I have the decency to know.

He now tells me another friend of his shared the code.

I don't like people visiting when I dont know. I feel like I cannot relax in my own home.

Please tel me who is unreasonable here

To be honest, I wouldn't accept having to arrange with my DH / get his permission every time I wanted one of my friends to visit me.

The answer to your question remains the same. It's about basic respect. Of course my husband and I consult with each other before we invite someone over. Because the home belongs to both of us. Because we respect each other.

Where is the gate & where were you?

Does it lead into your back garden?

Do they need to get through the gate to get to the front door?

Does your husband just want they to be able to walk in as he cba to let them in?

@diddl it's a front gate to a front garden there is no back garden

And the issue is DH says he is never going to always tell me if someone is coming?
Is this too much to ask how does it work in other relationships? If someone is popping in do you always know?

I have keys to relatives and friends houses. But I don't go in without knocking and being invited - unless I'm told to let myself in unless specifically told to do so. Could you compromise and get him to tell people to knock first?
Yes, people call round to our house without pre-arrangement. Yes, my husband and I invite people round without always telling the other. Why would we? If it doesn't involve the other person, like they're popping in to pick something up or just calling for a chat, why does the other person need to know?

Can visitors get to the entrance to your house/ door without going through the gate? I would not accept under any circumstances my DH not allowing my friends to call without his prior permission, or them being locked away from being able to call round. You sound exceptionally controlling tbh.

Oh, and in our house, people are free to call around whenever, but they knock on the door when they arrive, and no, DH and I don't seek each others permission, or even necessarily tell each other in advance if we'd arranged for someone to call round. Equally, we don't wander round the house or garden naked or semi naked.

When you said to your DH that your mate strolled in and saw you topless, was he ok with that?

Does he expect you to be ok with that?

How about your sex life? The next time your DH initiates, can you say "I can't relax and have sex with you, as I'm worried your mate Dave might walk in on us."

Or you initiate and then stop just as he's getting into it and say "it just occurred to me that Barry could walk in, we'd better stop."

I'm only half serious, but I'm sure if you make the intrusions affect HIM negatively for a while, maybe he'll get it.

Make a game of it; promise him a BJ when he gets home from work, strip him down to his undies and then say "shit! I forgot John has the gate code, I can't carry on in case he turns up. How awkward would that be??" And walk away.

Might bang the message home and save you from having to LTB.

Sorry, are you saying that some random was inside your house?

This.

He shouldn’t have to get permission to have his friend pop over.

What if one needs him in an emergency? Locked out/row with spouse/emergency with kids are all reasons my friends have needed to turn up at ours suddenly… on top of normal just coming to say hi.

I can see why you would want that locking then.

Can't your husband's friends message him when they are there so he can let them in?

I need a drawing to figure out the layout

Your husband sounds a bit of a shit, based on a your threads and everything you’ve got going on.

Sorry but your husband sounds like a bit of shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also have a skin condiiton and don't like visitors because it means if I have taken off makeup they see it and it's shocking - they wouldn't believe in the same person so I'm funny about it for this reason as it makes me feel I can never ever relax

I should have mentioned this earlier but it's a big part of it

Oh is this the husband who is always including his friends in everything?

Yes I cousins a-meal for three last night!

Well if your front garden is essentially a back garden I can see why you don't want anyone just strolling in.

I wouldn't want anyone just strolling into my garden any more than my house!

@diddl hence I went to the effort of buying expensive electric coded gates and made him promise he will not share the code

Yes, you are absolutely not being I reasonable to expect that your DH will tell you in advance about someone’s coming, will discuss it with you whenever it’s appropriate and will share your gate code/ keys/ parking permits etc only with your agreement. He also should expect you to do the same: discuss with him things that are relevant to both of you with a purpose to achieve joint decision.

and you are not overreacting, quite the opposite.

Just noticed your latest update and I remember your thread about him including friends into everything.

I’m with @tennesseewhiskey1

Surely this is a situation where if you don't both want it then it doesn't happen?

I wouldn't give a door key to someone who my husband didn't want to have one for example.

So how do deliveries work?

You have got bigger problems!

I imagine they ring an intercom which dials into the OP’s phones or something in the house, which they can work remotely.